hiemsvagans stellalumi

❛ compendium ❜ ✦ ad · interstellary tag index.

· lumdam the black hole, illustrations. · stelaetterstostars the poet, writing. · stellaeternis the star & winter, persona. · stellaevi the paracosm, original characters. · starias the whispers, endless reflections. · starfallen the requiems, melancholic aria reflections. · somnimemo the film, dreams & memories to remember. · interstellary of answered messages. · ☾ månljus of gf posts. · ad astrae of mutuals. · constellasing of aes & quotes monomanias.

ek · the stranger from beyond, eternally tethered to aimless solitary wander.

not the introspective the title perhaps insinuates. there is no wish for pity nor is there existing seeking of external validation; prefacing the documentative composition as an extremely unadorned soliloquy, inchoate self reflections, recent musings, and haphazard analysis. however discretion advised · extreme identity issues, disability, mental health, racism, dissociation, change, dysphoria.

✦ främlingen från bortom.

the sentiment is not novel, driven by reality which has echoed through centuries. but are recent mention was how literal the ´ stranger from beyond ´ worked rather than just a description on feeling. it is valid to address the common nd aspect which already stresses the sense of feeling ´ alien ´ due to the lack of worldly accommodation, yet the use of this specific term would do me a disservice and discouraged. not a special person moment™, but as is the case for many poc interracial adoptees ( & mixed ) there is shared attitude on experiencing severe isolation and yet this shared attitude cannot be shared experience wise either considering just how specific it is. thus the nd, introversion, diagnosis´ in tandem with such a situation is not so kind, you are quite literally always in between, never to fit in. there is no room for comparisons to someone who has more social acceptance and that is something i must learn to be forgiving to myself of. i cannot relate, it is lovely people closer have mentioned they can to certain aspects but it will never be whole. if someone feels displaced that is valid, but the aloneness and silence cannot be compared.

✵ i´m 500 miles from my home . . .

for someone who has wandered for near over three centuries it has been a privilege to have witnessed so much and lived elsewhere for two despite how isolating it may be in tandem. i am not someone who seeks company, it is a disposition austerely anchored to silent solitary preference yet especially as a child there are many things one wished perhaps to relate to ? thus the note echoed; ´ you are quite literally a stranger from beyond ´. incapable of masking enough, incapable of changing appearance, your existence alone is already questioned as someone not from regardless wherever wandering. too ❄︎ to be ✧, too ✧ to be ❄︎, too outsider for both. the experiences which arrives with is extremely specific, it can be heard in variations yet you will never find it to be a 1:1 for any of us. i would like to believe my long journey has come so far where much of the grief and insecurity surrounding this has been self forgiven. but it is a poignant reminder when certain situations humble you by vociferous noise. there is still debilitating nuances and crippling imposter syndrome. the cultures i have still retain those who scream they are not mine to bear.

✦ as bygone, so beyond.

sona mentions ! incoherent maunder of the etched constellations and that of which ad astra. interlaced matter in question. a preluding point to address the chosen changes undergone for one reason or another and its reflections to real life.

✵ a drag path, etched in the surface as evidence

perhaps the most flagrant is just how prone to change i have been and the dissonance of developing a sona who is now near perfect to its opposite ( eternity ). vicissitude is an extremely glaring aspect which entails such an astronomical part of self yet it is somewhat lost - both to time and character development - resulting in a convoluted echo. several ´ change ´ facets have silently faded away, ie. vicissitude, shapeshifter musing, interactive adaptability etc, leaving somewhat only few remnants repurposed into more befitting motifs and lore.

stella cannot change. they can mimic and reflect but they are not a shapeshifter, eternally tethered to a perpetual eerie existence unbound by core to anything changeable. monachopsis obliged; destined to leave and be left - true homage to the silent solitary of polaris. additionally the development is a somewhat elaborate idé to accentuate just how extreme the peregrinus ex ultra is upon self and sona. the incapability to control facial expressions and masking, its deterioration of no longer even being able to mimic learned voice tones, the complete inability to even blend in for such is not a privilege possessed, the lack of relatability · empathy · feeling. even should there be cultural homages quietly existing in the form of distant abilities ie draconic x hiemsfauna they remain so blatantly them - some eerie otherworldly stellar ón; the stranger from beyond. there is proper rl diagnosis´, thus the validation of certain aspects do come from factual basis. they practice morality but only to such an extent; frigidly cold and monotonous, deathly silent, extremely apathetic, aloof, aimless wander, dreamily detached.

✦ ek · lux lacrimosa.

eyes are being inconveniently much more so delicate to light recently, paired with a sensitive nose - each morn when faring to work i am both tearing up and sniffling. which has garnered looks and !! please do not perceive, promise i am not crying -

continuing last topics & archives; i would like to reiterate the two approaches had over the years with sona, in addition reprising their heavy duality themed composition in a digestible manner, having noted there may be confusion.

✦ ad epithets. these come with a primary epithet, classification title, and morpheme of address. ! each spatial classification can be lengthened with the insertion of ' stella ', ie. stella proxima, stella ultima et cetera . . .

❛ hiemstella solivagans / starfaring winterstar / starlight / stjärnlus ❜ · proxima ( ek ) ‒ main sona. classified by the most personal approaches and simpler, less ornate components. dreamy melancholic yet arctic star, aimless solivagant winter wanderer, little northern explorer. frigidly still of stars winter and void, yet mostly a humble approximate.

❛ aeverstar nix ❜ · ultima ( ae ) ‒ astronomical pseudo oc treatment sona. a beautifully dreadful concept; most distal but indulgent ' aura ' farming prospect. stubbornly paramount in lore leaving little to no room of interactive liberties unless strict boundaries are followed.

❛ - ❜ · inter ( ei ) & ❛ - ❜ · hic ( is ) ‒ indecisively between categories - somnimemos & starlight as titles contemplated. whether inter becomes the between usual auxiliaries or somnimemos is still mused upon.

❛ polaris ❜ · omniae ( *any address ) ‒ fondly in tandem ad memoriam as ' nix ', the completed composition of sona as a whole. time is but a constant plague and thus, a compiled visual without the stress of multiple auxiliaries suggests clemency upon my sleepy detached being.

✧ auxiliary. these come with a morpheme address and epithet. ! each with the achievable epithet alternative of fallen and or other additions to said title. alternatively play on hiems; hiemstella, hiemslumi, hiemsmemoria, hiemsomnia et cetera.

🟎 ❛ nix ❜ · polaris / polariae, polarisfallen / ad astra. ‒ the completed omni composition of sona as a whole, thus describing the entirety of stella.

✦ ❛ nox ❜ · stellae, starfallen. ✧ ❛ lux ❜ · lumiae, winterfallen. ❄︎ ❛ vox ❜ · memoriae, memoriafallen. ❅ ❛ eux ❜ · somniae, somniafallen.

✦✧ ❛ . ❜ · nostalgiae, nostalgiafallen. ❄︎❅ ❛ . ❜ · melancholiae, melancholiafallen. ✧❄︎ ❛ . ❜ · vellae, wishfallen. ✦❅ ❛ . ❜ · sperae. hopefallen.

✦ on polarity, dichotomy of dualism and contrast.

due to stella being extremely austere with their fixed eternity themes it is most pivotal to remember regardless of their auxiliary visuals they must remain the same across and beyond. there are only delicate aspects which may be present in other regards such as visual or minor atmospheric semblances which does not constitute as them having different separate states; but rather fine explorations. though even most of these infinitesimal wanderings are analogous.

their extreme contrasts exists within all; even in character with cold moon - star phases parallels and dualistic approaches it is never to be represented through a single auxiliary. the liss of having been consistent over years in describing stella as ' dreamy detached and spaced out ' vs ' distant frigidly sardonic and coldly dreadful ', both eery, otherworldly ethereal, and melancholic aimless wandering yet clear opposing forces in a fittingly taciturn way. everything is parallel and exchangeable through each, showing no favour other than what ambitioned perception may be present through an audience lens.

· winterday vs winternight vs ( intertwilights ) polar night vs kaamos. assuming most perceptions takes dark as being night and light as being day which are equally correct with the retrospect that stella's case interchanging these work as well. nox can be winterday or twilight just as lux could be winternight or twilight. this is my own indulgence exploration and gaze on what ' void ' and ' light ' can be. the idé is to push the limits of perception in a way that works. void is the absence. pure white or even the stark winters of polar night and kaamos evoke the same feeling of ' cold nothingness '. a dream or mardröm during winternight or winterday alike frigid moonstar phases silent. over winters bygone and henceforth, a quiet yet quite astronomical contributor to the duality and winter embodiment disposition. this is the most arduous and complex piece to describe appropriately without lingering on too overly personal information i do not wish to speak of. with that in mind these too are not anchored to any specific stella; it is already bound to all of them. of utmost importance that these planes of being are presented from an extremely internalized & uncannily silent point. hence never warm or hot - rather exceedingly cold regardless or the sleepy and dreamy detached to the inhospitable and glacially distal. their destructive and impulsive behaviour comes as unwarranted unpracticality, often followed with responses of disdainful confusion as their less expressive and dangerously unpredictability ' does not match their visual '.

❅ ❛ hiems somnias a stella ❜

incoherent wandering on musings. i have a private ig which predominately aims to archive memories through a novice lens. it is considerably fleeting though if interested and found, with care i accept mutual privates.

on another note. there has been an incessant feeling amplified by real life; do not use me for comparisons. i refuse to involuntarily play a role where my existence becomes a forced pivot for other's personal self sabotage and it's opposing aspect of disparaging one upping. should this become a habit at my expense then leave.

the severity of my identity struggles have been transparently stated on multiple accounts, it is not a competition. i delight in solitude yet dread it's monachopsis. relatability is not an occurrence - racially, socially, experience wise. it is fine should others empathise on few notes but it is not welcome to claims of complete understanding; because you cannot. the isolated and solitary characteristic stressed tenfold presently is there for a reason. many experience not fitting in, that is human - especially those who may be nd. it is part on me for being cold and detached real life. yet in combination of interracial and experienced nurture stemming from early childhood this is a rather specific, difficult part to explain.

it is not a pick me nor ' no one has ever experienced this ' claim. a general introspective of some people who constantly dismiss everything attempted to achieve. it was not easy to get here. still disquiet struggles and failing miserably on an astronomical level but it does not mean my efforts do not exist. intending to get better and finding solace in little things. i can never fit in; too western for the east and too east for the west - oh absolutely too northern, what are you doing in the south even, telling me what i am or is not, don't even try to do so socially or physically. but this is something sought ? slowly attempting its wistful acceptance. there are poignant reminders every single day rl, it is not needed online too. just a person unwilling to participate in other people's issues directly or indirectly - especially should they not even involve me. really just wish to chill and do things for fun ! always open for silly excursions and adventures.

‒ xv.ii.xxv · stella starchive.

dreamy yet arctic melancholic solivagant stella of winter and void. starfaring stargazer wandering aimless in its eternity.

jag har en mjuk medkänsla varenda gång min guardian resonerar med mig, någonting om ' din flyktighet '. en blid, oförarglig avslöjning; jag far iväg så fort möjligheten fins. oväsentlig om det är impulsivt eller inte. det förblir alltid något i evigheter när vi pratar, inte vet man själv hur mycket orden betyder ser ut från hennes sida, men jag vill behålla dom innerligt. det är något kärt med att ta emot hennes ord, en lite äldre kvinna som från början urprungen från norrland, jobbat med omsorg, och nu lägger ner hennes liv på det hon byggt med hundar. en admiration och lite tröst från det visa orden och kunnskap som har givits till mig.

städse konflikten av att förvara det eviga gentemot den nästan sjuka nödkännslan att färda världen, vandra ivag någonstans. då säger hon något sånär läskigt från ord ej talades men är stjärnklart berörigt påpekande självet.

' jag gillar inte förändringar, men vill inte sitta stilla ? vet inte, det är obegripligt förvirrande även när som barn berestes ' ' det är i ditt blod. stella, du färdar så fort du kan '

tillfällen med min uppsyningsman där vi pratar ensama om hur människan har alltid vandrats. ' när har man vandrat klart ? ' det politiska som framkommer när individer lever i ett land så fritt som norden men del av befolkningen beräknar ' du som inte ser ut som mig är inte x '. jag jar inte privilegiet som andra har när det kommer till att vara accepterad. även i det land jag är av.

☾✧ ❛ hiemalis luna stella ❜

☾✦ ❛ the star & moon ❜

✦ ad solúumis.

☄ verba · peregrinate, solkatt, apricity, solustrance, solace, vicissitude, astriloquus.

★ the poet · chasing solace.

❛ and as sunlight spills across my skin, bathing untamed apricot in starry pools of clement gold; a dream. should my wishful muse and seeking soul wane as the sun eclipses or fall below earthen horizons - then the wind shall carry the shrapnel of my existence, and i too will rebirth at dawn ❜

✿ floriography · astriloquum.

roma lily · life transitions, remembrance, purity. lily of the valley · humility, redemption. lycoris aurea · cyclical return, hopeful farewell, autumn. lilacs · promise of new beginnings. thristle · warning, austerity, endurence. laburnum / gold wisteria · pensive beauty & forsakenness, symbolically representing the different states of being, melancholy.

☁ mood · through aeons thundering starry sol.

send me one or multiple of these in inbox and i will respond ! if you are a mutual, i will dedicate the aes to you, if you are not; feel free to send a single word or aesthetic you enjoy < 33 or leave it empty and i will make one up.