â compendium â
⊠ad · interstellary tag index.
· lumdam the black hole, illustrations.
· stelaetterstostars the poet, writing.
· stellaeternis the star & winter, persona.
· stellaevi the paracosm, original characters.
· starias the whispers, endless reflections.
· starfallen the requiems, melancholic aria reflections.
· somnimemo the film, dreams & memories to remember.
· interstellary of answered messages.
· ⟠mĂ„nljus of gf posts.
· ad astrae of mutuals.
· constellasing of aes & quotes monomanias.
⊠ad astra · dreamy melancholic solivagant stella wandering lost in starfaring memorias of astronomy, winter, and void. a composition of love letters dedicated to the beloved cosmos. somniafallen memournia bound to stargazing and paracosmic musings. astronomy aficioner eternally enamoured of draconic and minimalist aesthetics.
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ek · the stranger from beyond, eternally tethered to aimless solitary wander.
not the introspective the title perhaps insinuates. there is no wish for pity nor is there existing seeking of external validation; prefacing the documentative composition as an extremely unadorned soliloquy, inchoate self reflections, recent musings, and haphazard analysis.
however discretion advised · extreme identity issues, disability, mental health, racism, dissociation, change, dysphoria.
⊠frÀmlingen frÄn bortom.
the sentiment is not novel, driven by reality which has echoed through centuries. but are recent mention was how literal the ÂŽ stranger from beyond ÂŽ worked rather than just a description on feeling. it is valid to address the common nd aspect which already stresses the sense of feeling ÂŽ alien ÂŽ due to the lack of worldly accommodation, yet the use of this specific term would do me a disservice and discouraged. not a special person momentâą, but as is the case for many poc interracial adoptees ( & mixed ) there is shared attitude on experiencing severe isolation and yet this shared attitude cannot be shared experience wise either considering just how specific it is. thus the nd, introversion, diagnosisÂŽ in tandem with such a situation is not so kind, you are quite literally always in between, never to fit in. there is no room for comparisons to someone who has more social acceptance and that is something i must learn to be forgiving to myself of. i cannot relate, it is lovely people closer have mentioned they can to certain aspects but it will never be whole. if someone feels displaced that is valid, but the aloneness and silence cannot be compared.
â” iÂŽm 500 miles from my home . . .
for someone who has wandered for near over three centuries it has been a privilege to have witnessed so much and lived elsewhere for two despite how isolating it may be in tandem. i am not someone who seeks company, it is a disposition austerely anchored to silent solitary preference yet especially as a child there are many things one wished perhaps to relate to ? thus the note echoed; ÂŽ you are quite literally a stranger from beyond ÂŽ. incapable of masking enough, incapable of changing appearance, your existence alone is already questioned as someone not from regardless wherever wandering. too âïž to be â§, too â§ to be âïž, too outsider for both. the experiences which arrives with is extremely specific, it can be heard in variations yet you will never find it to be a 1:1 for any of us. i would like to believe my long journey has come so far where much of the grief and insecurity surrounding this has been self forgiven. but it is a poignant reminder when certain situations humble you by vociferous noise. there is still debilitating nuances and crippling imposter syndrome. the cultures i have still retain those who scream they are not mine to bear.
⊠as bygone, so beyond.
sona mentions ! incoherent maunder of the etched constellations and that of which ad astra. interlaced matter in question. a preluding point to address the chosen changes undergone for one reason or another and its reflections to real life.
â” a drag path, etched in the surface as evidence
perhaps the most flagrant is just how prone to change i have been and the dissonance of developing a sona who is now near perfect to its opposite ( eternity ). vicissitude is an extremely glaring aspect which entails such an astronomical part of self yet it is somewhat lost - both to time and character development - resulting in a convoluted echo. several ÂŽ change ÂŽ facets have silently faded away, ie. vicissitude, shapeshifter musing, interactive adaptability etc, leaving somewhat only few remnants repurposed into more befitting motifs and lore.
the whole idea plays on just how poorly i do attempting because i already lost sighs. perhaps being much older now there is also the exhaustion knowing trying to change results in meteoric failure and never did work. thus regardless of external factors sona shall exhibit the eerie and off-putting, incomprehensible, unapproachable aspects shared real life as well. unable to mask themselves and too tired to care. it is not just ÂŽ i do this differently and i like a peculiar thing everyone thinks im weird < 3 ÂŽ no. this goes beyond nd and extreme introversion. my existence alone is a confusion beyond just disposition and that is not usually an issue, i really could care less so long there is no overstepping.
eyes are being inconveniently much more so delicate to light recently, paired with a sensitive nose - each morn when faring to work i am both tearing up and sniffling. which has garnered looks and !! please do not perceive, promise i am not crying -
for someone generally coldly blank in expression the full sobbing tears look ever so funny in combination.
âŠâ§âïžâ” ek · stella proxima inter ultima.
continuing last topics & archives; i would like to reiterate the two approaches had over the years with sona, in addition reprising their heavy duality themed composition in a digestible manner, having noted there may be confusion.
⊠ad epithets.
these come with a primary epithet, classification title, and morpheme of address.
! each spatial classification can be lengthened with the insertion of ' stella ', ie. stella proxima, stella ultima et cetera . . .
â hiemstella solivagans / starfaring winterstar / starlight / stjĂ€rnlus â · proxima ( ek )
â main sona. classified by the most personal approaches and simpler, less ornate components. dreamy melancholic yet arctic star, aimless solivagant winter wanderer, little northern explorer. frigidly still of stars winter and void, yet mostly a humble approximate.
â aeverstar nix â · ultima ( ae )
â astronomical pseudo oc treatment sona. a beautifully dreadful concept; most distal but indulgent ' aura ' farming prospect. stubbornly paramount in lore leaving little to no room of interactive liberties unless strict boundaries are followed.
â - â · inter ( ei ) & â - â · hic ( is )
â indecisively between categories - somnimemos & starlight as titles contemplated. whether inter becomes the between usual auxiliaries or somnimemos is still mused upon.
â polaris â · omniae ( *any address )
â fondly in tandem ad memoriam as ' nix ', the completed composition of sona as a whole. time is but a constant plague and thus, a compiled visual without the stress of multiple auxiliaries suggests clemency upon my sleepy detached being.
â§ auxiliary.
these come with a morpheme address and epithet.
! each with the achievable epithet alternative of fallen and or other additions to said title.
alternatively play on hiems; hiemstella, hiemslumi, hiemsmemoria, hiemsomnia et cetera.
đ â nix â · polaris / polariae, polarisfallen / ad astra.
â the completed omni composition of sona as a whole, thus describing the entirety of stella.
⊠on polarity, dichotomy of dualism and contrast.
due to stella being extremely austere with their fixed eternity themes it is most pivotal to remember regardless of their auxiliary visuals they must remain the same across and beyond. there are only delicate aspects which may be present in other regards such as visual or minor atmospheric semblances which does not constitute as them having different separate states; but rather fine explorations. though even most of these infinitesimal wanderings are analogous.
their extreme contrasts exists within all; even in character with cold moon - star phases parallels and dualistic approaches it is never to be represented through a single auxiliary. the liss of having been consistent over years in describing stella as ' dreamy detached and spaced out ' vs ' distant frigidly sardonic and coldly dreadful ', both eery, otherworldly ethereal, and melancholic aimless wandering yet clear opposing forces in a fittingly taciturn way. everything is parallel and exchangeable through each, showing no favour other than what ambitioned perception may be present through an audience lens.
⊠silhouette.
all of which is stella is tethered to them as an entirety. from the extremes to arias echoing, woven within the tapestry of final starlight.
congratulations to anyone who is bestowed upon clear skies today & tomorrow ! your local sleepy dreamy winter star astronomy enthusiast encouraging your stargazing endeavours with euphoric news our earth is hit with a g4 solar storm ! auroras to you who may wish.
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not my guardian telling me â you can write the debate academic paper on your experiences with being discriminated and confused against â because laughs do i really want to tackle such an astronomical topic the first thing back in academics lmao.
incoherent wandering on musings. i have a private ig which predominately aims to archive memories through a novice lens. it is considerably fleeting though if interested and found, with care i accept mutual privates.
on another note. there has been an incessant feeling amplified by real life; do not use me for comparisons. i refuse to involuntarily play a role where my existence becomes a forced pivot for other's personal self sabotage and it's opposing aspect of disparaging one upping. should this become a habit at my expense then leave.
the severity of my identity struggles have been transparently stated on multiple accounts, it is not a competition. i delight in solitude yet dread it's monachopsis. relatability is not an occurrence - racially, socially, experience wise. it is fine should others empathise on few notes but it is not welcome to claims of complete understanding; because you cannot. the isolated and solitary characteristic stressed tenfold presently is there for a reason. many experience not fitting in, that is human - especially those who may be nd. it is part on me for being cold and detached real life. yet in combination of interracial and experienced nurture stemming from early childhood this is a rather specific, difficult part to explain.
it is not a pick me nor ' no one has ever experienced this ' claim. a general introspective of some people who constantly dismiss everything attempted to achieve. it was not easy to get here. still disquiet struggles and failing miserably on an astronomical level but it does not mean my efforts do not exist. intending to get better and finding solace in little things. i can never fit in; too western for the east and too east for the west - oh absolutely too northern, what are you doing in the south even, telling me what i am or is not, don't even try to do so socially or physically. but this is something sought ? slowly attempting its wistful acceptance. there are poignant reminders every single day rl, it is not needed online too. just a person unwilling to participate in other people's issues directly or indirectly - especially should they not even involve me. really just wish to chill and do things for fun ! always open for silly excursions and adventures.
again, i delight in being alone. but mourn all which exists in between.
âŠâïžâ§â” â ae stellae, hiems, inanis, et solivagans â
â xv.ii.xxv · stella starchive.
dreamy yet arctic melancholic solivagant stella of winter and void. starfaring stargazer wandering aimless in its eternity.
between several meetings, working, the somnolent introspection and predisposed melancholic reflections there are fleeting moments in life which stay. it has been over a year by now, my written ' revision ' on stella was meant for completion by yester yet time is relentless. slowly, the presentation has quieted in tandem with my presence yet when little transitory breathers appear you can perceive the silent arrangements being updated through writing and postings. a pseudo grace to the internet & technology for never forgetting should i do so myself.
i have been ruminating over each key theme and what visual symbolism each should suggest. an echo from the past challenged my intuitive ambition for designing specific things related to personal history. the lack of understanding and being able to emphasize was somehow comforted by learning through pictures. it could be an interesting exploration - though i feel most are already portrayed. there was a worry regarding overburdening the primary motifs, however considering how accordant they are and with the consistent repetition of two, four, or eight rule, there was room.
i · primordium.
⊠stars · north star, starry, starlight
âïž winter · snowflakes, ice, auroras, north, quasars
⧠void · black hole, night sky, nothingness, stargaze
┠solivagans · polaris guiding star, freedom, compass star
pseudo primordium.
â eternity · death, finality
â astronomy · the cosmos as omnia.
initially, stella has always somewhat had two approaches in the bygone it was self portrait based ones or the 2022 - 2023 ' void era ' meant as a stream sona; a grand omnipotent being. the other who; most consistently has fondly been referred to as ' a dreamy spaced out melancholic starry entity wandering lost in the love for stars and winter '. the ' true ' sona if one may. it simplifies things, the more worldly yet starry and simpler fits bring me a lot more delight for the reason it voids the pressure of making something monumental out of that which was meant to simply be for fun. thus i will accentuate the austere ' polaris, per ardua ad astra ' proxima version more and indulge in ' aeverstar ' for humour.
i wish 2022 - 2023 had been kinder years. mea culpa for the astronomical disservice letting bitterness control my ( ew ) emotions. ironically the era ended up focusing on void / albeit never losing the starry winter of course / aspect just because of the pain, wishing to deviate out of reasons i now can only point myself out as petulant and acrimonious for letting it dictate. hence void can be rather wistful but persists a remaining part still quite pivotal. the ' why on stars did i do that ' would never end should one ponder on it too long. suppose that is what the new generation calls character development.
whoever has read so far, congratulations. give me a sign ?! maybe i will give a small reward ? there is more.
my brain is a contrast of the cosmic speed of light vs an empty husk devoid and decayed of any life. the idea of writing and possibly getting back into studies flourish butterflies and the sentimental excitement of organisation. fare with and the musicbox will keep singing quiet arias.
paradoxically; i hate oversharing. catch me obliterating traces of occasional personal postings should i cringe into oblivion - as such, the attempt is to keep it digestible. on a note; i do not believe you need a reason to hold something dear. comparisons, humble brags and struggle olympics are off the table. call it callous but i do not care. if it is meant only as means to ' justify ' then there is no authenticity behind it. on the other hand, the adoration for learning there is a story behind something remains fond should it come from sincerity.
ii · composition.
⊠ad · astra.
the stars. in harmony with winter, stars and astronomy has remained the most eternal of portrayals; through the waking world of real life and the somnolent escape that is the interstellar network of the internet. the archives does not forget, for that i am eternally grateful.
' stars are my favorite things. i always lie and look at them before i go to sleep, and wonder who is on them and how one could get there. the sky looks so friendly with all those little eyes twinkling in it '
' all the other stars keep to their courses, and go along just like trains on their rails, but comets can go absolutely anywhere; they pop up here and there wherever you least expect them '
their singularity is strictly defined as a star, be it for polaris or aeverstar. there are cameos of all things astronomy, moon and its phases, the stellar twilights and planets.
┠ad · solivagans.
the solitary starfaring wanderer. courtesy to orbital beings for the suggested heartening specific of solivagant & fernweh rather than sehnsucht & wanderlust. the important stress on alone wandering remains a profound aspect one does not wish to divulge into publicly with the consideration to the partial trauma which in the end really does not matter. instead isolated in its positive starlight it pays homage to the intense cultural upbringing & identity that highly values freedom. it is perfect, with such gratitude to those who encouraged. from ' allemansrÀtten ' to a childhood that lived through dreams, starfarer, the stranger from elsewhere, on learning to accept never fitting in; monachopsis obliged. solivagant stays true to the eternity themes, as everything else moves around it, the solitary wanderer will eternally be starbound to ' doing so alone ', be it of wish or circumstance. fixated in place.
' you can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much '
' i am monarch of all i survey. i own the whole earth '
in fairness ' polaris ' already bid the wandering traveling guiding star compass aspect, or even summarises stella as a whole. yet it befits a pseudo title far more. furthermore a full orbit was made with the four and eight points. each interconnect with the personal ' bases ' lived in the longest despite the ephemerality; north, east, south, west sounds like a meteoric coincidence yet it is not, with the in between being the constant faring. one of the most olden headcanons; always floating, never truly touching the ground is a bittersweet allegory.
this is unadultered word spam of which one wishes to reiterate; these are not reasons that make anything more significant in the grand scheme of the cosmos. take it with some stardust, from a neurodivergent under stimulated ? tired being. pure delight, simply for fun and whichever dramatic musing this nostalgic brain of mine wishes to place in writing, sincerely.
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⊠ek · en vintervandrare's stjÀrnfÀrd.
solivagant starfarer, winter wandering star.
jag har en mjuk medkÀnsla varenda gÄng min guardian resonerar med mig, nÄgonting om ' din flyktighet '. en blid, oförarglig avslöjning; jag far ivÀg sÄ fort möjligheten fins. ovÀsentlig om det Àr impulsivt eller inte. det förblir alltid nÄgot i evigheter nÀr vi pratar, inte vet man sjÀlv hur mycket orden betyder ser ut frÄn hennes sida, men jag vill behÄlla dom innerligt. det Àr nÄgot kÀrt med att ta emot hennes ord, en lite Àldre kvinna som frÄn början urprungen frÄn norrland, jobbat med omsorg, och nu lÀgger ner hennes liv pÄ det hon byggt med hundar. en admiration och lite tröst frÄn det visa orden och kunnskap som har givits till mig.
stÀdse konflikten av att förvara det eviga gentemot den nÀstan sjuka nödkÀnnslan att fÀrda vÀrlden, vandra ivag nÄgonstans.
dÄ sÀger hon nÄgot sÄnÀr lÀskigt frÄn ord ej talades men Àr stjÀrnklart berörigt pÄpekande sjÀlvet.
' jag gillar inte förÀndringar, men vill inte sitta stilla ? vet inte, det Àr obegripligt förvirrande Àven nÀr som barn berestes '
' det Àr i ditt blod. stella, du fÀrdar sÄ fort du kan '
tillfÀllen med min uppsyningsman dÀr vi pratar ensama om hur mÀnniskan har alltid vandrats. ' nÀr har man vandrat klart ? ' det politiska som framkommer nÀr individer lever i ett land sÄ fritt som norden men del av befolkningen berÀknar ' du som inte ser ut som mig Àr inte x '. jag jar inte privilegiet som andra har nÀr det kommer till att vara accepterad. Àven i det land jag Àr av.
â · â · ⿠· â â sending stimulations ueue feel free to ignore some
⊠ad solĂșumis.
â verba · peregrinate, solkatt, apricity, solustrance, solace, vicissitude, astriloquus.
â the poet · chasing solace.
â and as sunlight spills across my skin, bathing untamed apricot in starry pools of clement gold; a dream. should my wishful muse and seeking soul wane as the sun eclipses or fall below earthen horizons - then the wind shall carry the shrapnel of my existence, and i too will rebirth at dawn â
⿠floriography · astriloquum.
roma lily · life transitions, remembrance, purity.
lily of the valley · humility, redemption.
lycoris aurea · cyclical return, hopeful farewell, autumn.
lilacs · promise of new beginnings.
thristle · warning, austerity, endurence.
laburnum / gold wisteria · pensive beauty & forsakenness, symbolically representing the different states of being, melancholy.
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send me one or multiple of these in inbox and i will respond ! if you are a mutual, i will dedicate the aes to you, if you are not; feel free to send a single word or aesthetic you enjoy < 33 or leave it empty and i will make one up.
â · collection of pretty words.
⌠· a colour palette.
â · a written quote by me.
⟠· collection of symbols.
⿠· collection of flowers.
â · a moodboard.
feel free to use / copy paste / the indented part of this interactive for yourself if you want !!