musings & art

i’m asiuen, a slavic lesbian who sometimes indulges in drawing ✦ directory

　› illustration :: main / doodles :: polished sketches

　› musings :: opinions / asiuenoc :: original characters

　› enamoured :: shipping / inspiration :: art senpais

microdosing artificial sweeteners works as good as i suspected. i’ve never been a soda person or anything but i often crave juice or a sorbet popsicle so a sugar fee alternative makes do. i know it’s bad but honestly, everything is. i’ve been on a heavy sugar restriction for 6 months and it didn’t stop the cravings at all. i was just more aggressive and moody.

i can’t do the diabetic diet as i’ll end up in a bloody toilet so it leaves me with a very little room for improvement. vegetable fiber has a personal mission of making my life unbearable. i once got a severe flare up because of the cellulose found in my prescribed meds. so yeah. i’m not making shit up.

i know i’ll have to do a weigh-in soon. i’m scared shitless. for five years i’ve been eating 500kcal a day and i ruined my body while still being overweight. i gained 20kg after the meds, i went to countless dieticians, i tried everything possible. ozempic is the only thing i have left but i decided against it for now because of financial reasons and the fact that i want to try trey to get rid of that fucking shiteating cunt that ruined my life excess androgen receptors so my acne might be gone for good since my androgen levels are not severe enough to qualify me for hrt. but tret fucks up the liver and triglycerides and i already have that fucked up because of olanzapine. if there’s hope i can fix that myself then ill try, if not then ozempic to get my parameters right and then a break for tret.

i study molecular medicine, i know that all this “CalOrIes In CalOrieS oUt” is bullshit made for healthy people without SNPs who just don’t have good self-control. funny thing that CICO currently doesn’t matter when a person is trying to gain weight but staying in the deficit and still failing means that i must be cheating and don’t know how to count. honestly, shut up because there are studies done on subjects you wouldn’t comprehend in lightyears. and i’m absolutely being snobbish and pretentious right now because i’ve heard how lazy and unmotivated i am from people who have it easy and don’t know shit. fitness coaches are the most malignant forms of social cancer and i’ll dance on their graves.

metformin, 100% unprocessed unless at home, water and tea only, only vice being sweets but i make at home as much as possible. when i move out and buy even more kitchen equipment i’ll probably go for 100% homemade everything because not taking care of my parents will leave me with more time to do things for myself.

exercise is hard. very hard. i spend a fortune every month to get my migraine shots and it so happens that my main trigger is well, exercise. there’s a high suspicion of mitochondrial myopathy due to how unnaturally weak my muscles have been since childhood. i have pots already but i know something is wrong because it’s always been a problem and i’m always in pain so.

but again, having everything at home will make things easier. i have a special torture chamber planned for machines and it’s a great relief that i don’t have to use stairs. my ocular hypertension will thank me for this.

i know people think i’m fat and lazy. and they’re right in a sense that i avoid things that cause me physical pain, bloody diarrhoea and exercise intolerance so heavy i puke. i’m not a thicc hourglass that would let me have a pass at being overweight. but i’m saving for surgery, i already have 1/3 of my goal and i’m slowly grooming my mom into the idea. i’m glad people on reddit are supportive because they know what it means when you can’t build muscle.

i hope things will turn somewhat okay. it won’t grant me womanhood and i don’t expect it to and i hope that someday i can just accept i’m a patchwork of both. at least i have natural H cup boobs but they don’t really make an impression because i’m overall chubby so they’re average.

whilst recent body discoveries cause overall bitterness, i think i’m ready to romanticise a bit as a form of healing. surgery becomes more distant as i’ll be trying certain treatment that requires a lot of work to get my parameters right first. difficult, but i’ll gladly work towards a goal that can permanently reduce the amount of androgen receptors and the harm they cause. i will need a lot of rest afterwards though. and i’m being careful about which clinic i entrust my body to. safety first.

i feel that thicc is a very specific word that doesn’t quite describe eclair’s body. thicc would mean something sexually attractive and she’s not… really… because it’s me ? not because i’m opposed to the idea, quite the contrary, but certain anatomical facts are mildly visible and if anything they decrease the sex market value quite significantly.

high hips explain a lot; the lack of crotch gap prominent. pelvis has a strict and rigid closed conformation that screams access denied ! but comfortingly, it strongly reminds of marilyn because of the waist to hip ratio. the presence of waist is strange and confusing; incredibly short and dramatic from the bust down but quickly ending in high hip and soft tummy.

there is a feeling of softness. medium to bigger chest that serves a focal point to every outfit composition. nothing to be jealous of; but visible and that what counts. shoulders unfortunately wider due to unnaturally long clavicle bone combined with a specific joint tilt that rounds them up. overall, a body that invites leisure activities and provides a gentle support.

be warned, autoteratophilic tendencies may occur due to venting ! there is comfort in monstrosity.

tw: ed, menstruation, huge tmi because i’m kinda weird

thank you so much for this, anon. i guess irl losses caused my brain to spiral more than usual and this message stopped the self sabotaging.

i don’t have an issue with audience since i draw solely for myself now, but from time to time i lurk on social media and i end up quite exasperated.

i like women, i like women with big boobs especially. but i’m so, so exhausted with the polarised attitude that surrounds the matter. a character with big chest gets either by default labelled as nsfw or brings a crusade of puritans exclaiming most accusatory words. as if said boobs had a personality of their own and were therefore judged and sentenced for crimes committed in the audience’s head.

it’s a body feature. that’s all to it. two fat sacks adorned with a mammary gland that naturally sag. i don’t understand why there must be so much background beneath. especially among women i feel, i haven’t ever encountered a woman with big chest who liked having big chest. i’m not talking about pain ofc it’s just… they all complain that they feel vulgar when curvy. women in chic elegant spaces claim big chest can never be elegant by default. i fist my hair at witnessing this nonsense.

i understand my take may come from ignorance. as a medium chest owner [ 70G ] i’ve never been sexualised or paid attention to so i can’t empathise with such feelings. but i’m irked by the pressure that if i want to be a woman i must want to erase my chest and hate it because it can be an object of sexual desire. that me drawing big chested women means i’m degrading, objectifying and fetishising them. that i’m automatically a man if i find them attractive.

i’m postponing eclair official ref bc idk what can be achievable so i finally got courage to join reddit and —

putting myself out there like this is definitely scary but i was met with a lot of understanding. i got to a point where i’m sure my decisions aren’t caused by distorted self perception. i appreciate trusting my judgement and meeting my unvoiced concerns. it’s not as simple where the cause is anatomy that won’t change. i can just work around it.

✤・noisette nichtozhnost

tbd. since my gnshn acc is mostly old men yaoi seggs i’ll explore my genshin sona here.

her and éclair are two sides of the same coin but not in a sun vs moon way; instead the cumulation of pivotal experiences and characteristics peak on different sides of the spectrum.

fatui deserter formerly in love with her empress. abyss corruption taking over her hands as she had to literally dig her way up to the surface. corruption should be slowly destroying her yet she… thrives on it, in a strange way ? it’s necessary to her survival.

heterochromia. despite not being blind she perceives the world through the lens of the corruption; right eye stays open during her burst as the world becomes black and white and enemies’ weak points are visible. in everyday life she compensates by having an acute hearing and being sensitive to touch.

since columbina’s release i couldn’t help but to ponder on how éclair would walk. since her and bina share some similar vibes, i was considering ebbs / ripples for a while. but that wouldn’t suit her, no. unlike columbinaa, éclair is grounded to the world, her lack of belonging stemming from understanding the ruling principles differently, not ephemerality. she walks with the gravity of the responsibility bestowed upon her.

that friend of yours looks so comfortable on the surface; you on the other hand walk like you were on thin ice all the time

and then i remembered… a non-newtonian fluid. viscosity thickens upon stress, treat it with gentleness and it will get runny.

irl events and finding a very inspiring artist on twt emboldened the idea of putting my sona in suggestive arts. i’ve never had a space where i could explore being an allosexual so i’m creating it now ?

it’s not an invitation for erp or anything, i just wanna be funny and a bit suggestive ? the way i’d be to a friend. since sona is a vessel it puts a comfortable distance and i want to take advantage of it.

✤・stress is bad for the baby !

i want to end this year on a positive note; forgiveness towards myself. my endeavours never had any chance of succeeding and it’s time i reconciled with it. capitalistic ideals force us to believe that with the right amount of investment and dedication everything can happen. i know now that it only brings destruction and burnout; i will never recover from exerting myself this way.

i am what i’ve always been. i’m only myself; nothing more, nothing less.

i will burn the checklist along with my expectations. i am not starting with stricte a blank canvas as what happened shaped the person i am today but what i was supposed and what i wanted to be… it will be abandoned.

✤・grus japonensis

softy wishing for at least a bit of prosperity in the creative department. i’ve learned long ago that exertion does not help at all and i just have to take it slow. even if it takes literal years.

i’m not able to spent enough time stalling because of my current lifestyle. i deeply mourn every wasted opportunity as it’s all in my head, if i feel good and refreshed it shows on my work. hard to feel refreshed when medical university is looming over me.

i miss him so much, i doodle but i feel deep in my heart i have to give him the best i got. i already made progress with the reference as illustrator makes it all tremendously easier.