starfindr

nobody is talking about them.

id like to believe it was unintentional, but they guilted me into staying when i tried to end it, because it is toxic. because the good cannot, here, make up for the bad.

and, sans that actually, i didn’t try to end it, i tried to tell them that it was toxic, that we are hurting one another and maybe we should consider it as an option, but that i wasn’t wholly supportive of it. but, still. guilt-tripping.

it hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme. but. still.

i dont know if theyre ever coming back, and i don’t want to wait if they aren’t. i should give them more time, i know. but.

itll be years. years, before they are better, most likely. and by then, we would have been far, far apart.

maybe i am a bad person. maybe its always been my fault — i’ve been catching blame since the other guy came into our lives, and most of it, maybe all, was due. maybe theres reason to this unrest — maybe the archetype is there for a reason. i don’t know.

it works for me that we don’t share a space in that regard. i don’t have to worry about them leaving — dying, more like, even if i know it isn’t that. just. it hurts more with the others.

i miss them. they won’t miss me, of course not. but. i don’t know.

i’m at a point where. i’ve taught myself silence. i just.

i don’t know.

don’t come back, i don’t miss you.

come back? i need you.

after days of silence why did everyone suddenly decide to message me on the same day only to have minimal to no response or like.. substanial conversation

admittedly the latter may have been me. but

my point stands. that or im overthinking it. its not like theyre not allowed to be concerned for me? if they are?

the one im not talking with (per their request) liked my post about the same time and i just, im not crazy, no? they just all decided it was interact with s&t time, after days of silence, and its not like we talk anyways, i guess.

i kinda just want to fuck off. i feel. i dont know, i don’t feel like a pet in my relationships, not particularly, but i do in some ways? maybe its just the brain being silly. but

i don’t know. being around them makes my brain feel safer. until now, i guess? and its weird— i knew when they had told me, that they had told our friends mutually, but i got over it, or i thought i did? its stupid, but id come and heel like a dog if they asked, no matter how much i hated them, or felt like i did, at least? i don’t know— i don’t know if they know this, any of them, and i don’t know if they’d care, how they’d feel. probably weird, i’m weird, but i guess maybe there’d be more to it?

i wish it was obvious. kinda, sorta. i like my personhood, but i wouldn’t really mind those other traits being known, acknowledged. ah, i don’t know.

i guess they’re alright. just hurts to be away, but they all talk without me, about me. at least, when i do something. something. i’ve always hated the little cracks in our relationship, though the splinters were my fault and that giant chasm where it was might be, too.

i kinda miss it sometimes, too. i’ve always known i needed someone to keep me in check, what with nobody volunteering in life? eh, i don’t know. but. it was nice, in a way, even though it felt bad then.

maybe they were doing my a courtesy, keeping me around anyway. maybe that’s wrong, and maybe i should care about that more.

i fucked it up, i always do, and they didn’t sign up for me. i feel like shit, i think. there’s so much to apologize for, so much that i did wrong, i know that now, and yet i can’t talk to them. sigh.

they’ve developed past me. matured more. and i’m stuck here, the same forever. i wish i had realized it then, what i do now. maybe i hold them in too high of a regard. i don’t know. i kinda just want to apologize for everything ever, though, even though its so old at this point and they probably don’t remember.

theyve always done this though i guess. i shouldnt. idk its fuckin crazy to go to someone elses space and then tweak out

except before. before it wadnt lmthis. before it was quiet admittances and images of a dual hurt.