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S+ TIER (Get Life Insurance):

Neil Peart: You may be asking yourself just WHAT puts him at the top of the list? Glad you asked. First of all, the man was INSANELY physical: hiking mountains, cross-country skiing, rowing… and that’s without going into the 3 hour Rush sets every night. He once biked 93 miles (~150 km) in between gigs and then played a full concert that night. He got stranded in the Canadian tundra, with his 600lbs (272 kg) motorcycle tipped over on its side AND with and injured foot, and managed to pick it up. By himself. He was 47 at the time. On top of that, he almost fought a Yakuza boss for hitting his partner/gf/prostitute in front of him. The man is INSANELY strong. On top of that, he’s also 6’4. It doesn’t even matter that he’s not the most coordinated, because if he manages to get even a single hit on you, you’re fucked. Good luck even fighting back because his pain tolerance is also ridiculous— he gave himself basically trench foot from riding his motorcycle in the rain, and would still play Rush concerts every fucking night. The ONLY thing you have to your advantage is that he won’t play dirty. He doesn’t need to. You’re basically, completely fucked.

Greg Lake: He’s a heavyweight boxer. He had a run in with the mob. He’s probably fought a few pimps too when he refused to pay for sex work. He’s broad-shouldered, allegedly 6ft (although that’s debatable), and quite literally shaped like a wrecking ball. He also would NOT hold back in a fight. He’d play dirty. You’d likely not survive.

Carl Palmer: Black belt in karate. The P in ELP. He’s not tall, but he’s SHREDDED, fast, and would hold no mercy. He survived two of the most toxic bands of all time (ELP and Asia). He trained specifically to get in between Keith and Greg. He could probably take you down faster than you can say “Brain Salad Surgery”. Good fucking luck.

Bill Bruford: The man is filled with RAGE. He’s a drummer. Physically fit. 6 foot. He punched Chris Squire and gave him a black eye when he was in Yes. He could kill a man if you pushed him far enough. He’s a little more chilled out these days, but even TO THIS DAY I would not risk fucking with Bill. He’s only at the bottom of the S Tier because he’s not a trained fighter, nor does he have Neil’s….. everything. I guess.

A TIER (This Is Gonna Hurt):

Eddie Offord: You may be wondering what he’s doing on this list. You should ask the pigeon that he caught outside in a frying pan, and then proceeded to try and cook in Yes’s studio, which led to him being fired from Drama. Or maybe, when asked about the difference between working for Yes and working for ELP, simply stated that ELP had better drugs. Or perhaps that he’s enough of a character to have had the last song on Tarkus dedicated to him. This is a dangerous man. The sound engineers are always the ones you have to watch out for. He made Yes vegetarian. What else is he capable of?

Ian Anderson: I don’t know much about him admittedly, but he seems like the type to be a GREAT fighter. I think he’s taller than average, a bit of a jock, and I know he’s an outdoorsman, so he could also kick your ass in the woods. Finally, he owned a salmon farm. Who does that. The man is not normal and I would BEWARE. He seems to have the strength, wit, and insanity to kick your ass.

Alex Lifeson: Not as strong as Neil, but he’s crazier. He fought a cop for his son and got arrested for it. He’d go for the ear or something. He’s also no slouch himself— also fairly tall (like 6’1 or so at his peak), probably could land a solid hit. You’re COOKED if you managed to get on his bad side.

Trevor Rabin: Not really a fighter, but he’s 6’3, a health nut, and in relatively good shape. Also younger than most of the others on this list. Finally, if you managed to piss him off bad enough to fight, you deserve whatever’s coming to you because that is NOT easy to do.

Alan White: Drummer, so obvious bonus points there. Similar point to Trevor Rabin— if you managed to MAKE HIM FIGHT, you REALLY fucked up. He would hit first, and it’d come out of nowhere, too.

Tony Levin: This man is the epitome of chill. However, I’ve seen those biceps. I’ve seen those funk fingers. The shiny bald head. He would not fuck around if it came down to it. And if you pushed him that far….. good luck.

Jamie Muir: Does not want to fight, but if he had to…. Watch out.

Rick Wakeman: He’s a BIG dude. 6’3 and broad. Used to carry Jon Anderson around in the 70s. Probably could fuck someone up…. If he cared enough. Fortunately for most people, he’s kinda lazy and apathetic to the whole “fist fight” thing, but honestly if you pissed him off bad enough he’d probably just toss you over his shoulder and lock you in a closet.

B TIER (50/50):

John Wetton: Fairly decent build, only average height though. Fighting ability also massively depends on how drunk he is. Too drunk and he can’t fight, not drunk enough and he won’t fight. He needs to be in that sweet spot of 4-6 beers deep. Then, he’s unstoppable— mostly because of the hits he can take, not necessarily dish out.

Peter Hammill: On the surface, he’s gangly and scrawny. However, Van der Graaf Generator is the band that invented a sport called “deathball” and managed to get a head injury from a heated chess game. Who knows what he’s actually capable in a life or death situation? I don’t want to find out.

Jon Anderson: Surprisingly in B tier because he can be….. Jon. He’s also a homegrown farmboy, and played soccer, so he’s tougher than his diminutive stature might suggest. He has to be, if he managed to boss around the rest of Yes.

Robert Fripp: He looks intimidating, but if you can get past that, he’s literally just a nerd. However, he would commit psychological warfare to get you to back off before resorting to physical violence. His mind is the real danger. His body? Not so much, but I’m sure he can handle himself. And if he can’t, he’ll just sic Bill Bruford on you.

Phil Collins: Literally the only member of Genesis that can remotely fight. Even then, he’s still at a massive height disadvantage. However, he doesn’t have a lot of hair to grab AND he’s a drummer, which always adds points. Could probably put up a decent challenge.

Keith Emerson: Heavily depends on when. Late 60s/Early 70s Keith? Yeah, you could probably kick his ass. The only thing he really had to his advantage would be pure cocaine-fueled survival instinct, but even then he is a TINY man. Both height and weight. If it’s like 90s Keith, he’s more well-built…. But he’s also off the coke, so less prone to doing literally anything to survive. More predictable. He’s a real gamble regardless.

Steve Hackett: Fighting is probably a last resort for him. His heart isn’t in it. He could hold his own, but he really doesn’t want to. You could probably beat him, but he’s not pathetically bad.

C TIER (You Could Shove Them In A Locker):

Mike Rutherford: Tall and gangly, which gives him a bit of an advantage, and does polo but…. He’s also really, really high most of the time. He probably would say: “woahhh how’d I end up in this locker, maaaan?”

Geddy Lee: Used to actually get shoved in lockers in high school. No joke. Depending on the time period, he could and would fight back, but he probably wouldn’t win. However, the risk with beating him up is that the other 2/3rds of Rush WILL jump your ass for it. You do not want that. You will die.

Geoff Downes: Might be able to fight back a little, especially if he’s coked up, but he really deserves to be shoved in that locker. Really, really deserves it.

Tony Banks: He’s too much of a pussy to even fight. It would mess up his hair. He’d literally just run away as fast as he could. If you manage to catch him, you could absolutely shove him in a locker.

Peter Sinfield: He would be lower than Steve Howe but the only concern with beating up Peter Sinfield is pissing off Greg Lake for bullying his favorite twink. You do not want to piss off Greg Lake.

Steve Howe: If you can’t win against Steve Howe, I’ve lost all respect for you. A toddler could do it. He might try to bite you, but the moment you do more than twist his arm, he’ll start screaming and begging for mercy.

David Cross: THEEEEEE ultimate violin twink (well. Him and Eddie Jobson). Would cry just from Robert Fripp threatening to shove him in a locker.

F TIER (You COULD But Why?):

Chris Squire: You might think that because of his height, he could probably kick your ass. He could not. That man is a chronic chainsmoker and has had a myriad of health issues. Also…. Why? He’s just a jolly fellow that would probably ask you to join Yes just for being nice to him.

Peter Gabriel: He already looks like a kicked puppy. Let him put on his silly costumes and talk about saving the world. Leave him ALOOOONE.

Adrian Belew: It’s only talk. Could he even fight back (no).