Scattered Thoughts Of A Disgruntled Girl

This is something that I've been thinking about for a long time. You see, as a human being, we have a certain perception about ourselves: How good and moral we are, how we are harmless, smart, attractive and so on. However, the real question is how accurate is this perception? 

For example, no one wants to be a villain ( Unless they are a psychopath without remorse, in a grip of homicidal rage and spiraling out of control I suppose? )  No one wants to take responsibility for whatever is happening in their life ( Just a disclaimer sometimes the events leading to a particular accident is out of one’s hand, and I despise VICTIM BLAMING culture even more than playing victim) 

Verily, I am not saying that if someone is in a shitty relationship with a shitty person, that’s all their fault, but they are responsible to some extent. 

I am actually guilty of it too. For so long I believed that “I am such a nice person, why my Bf is such a jerk or my friends are jerks and treat me like dirt” then the ” they will realize their mistake and will know what they’ve got in you” part would start. It was such a vicious circle. It was exhausting, but to make the matters worse deep down, I wasn’t the saint I was projecting to the world. I was an ordinary girl who wanted ordinary things, I didn’t have the patience of a saint. I swallow my resentments and anger because I was afraid of being alone. And they fester, like an old ulcer, a wound that never quite healed, and when the next incident happened, it would be ripped open all over again, each time more infected than the last. That was how my relationship became toxic. In all that, most people were enabling me by reinforcing that mindset, that I was the victim,  the poor sweet girl that no one appreciates. Until one day I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired and scared and feeling undeserving of love and affection. So I sought out help.

7 Years, 3 Psychotherapist and a couple of broken relationships later, I finally realized that I was part of the problem. Not the whole, but part of it. I found out my part was that I did not set boundaries, because I was never taught to do so. I had abandonment issues, No self-esteem ( Although what I was showing the world was the opposite), and I was willing to put up with anything just so the other person would not leave me and most importantly I was this skewed idea about love that it meant there was no place for me and my needs Becuase it would be selfish.  If you love someone YOU are the one that has to sacrifice everything and put everything they have going for them on hold. If you love someone, YOU are the one that has to be always available, shouldn't complain and give the other person whatever they need and never ask for anything. Gaaawd that was exhausting. 

After the initial, shock and denial wore off and I finally accepted my part in the whole mess I was making out of my life,  I set out to right the wrongs, to heal. I started to learn I deserve love and loyalty, that I am smart and hardworking, that I'm not perfect and I will never be. That I'm allowed to get angry or upset, and I have a right to express my feelings without fear of losing someone because I'm human. That I'm allowed to make mistakes. What I AM NOT ALLOWED to do is to let people walk all over me, to let them they can treat me like dirt and it is ok because at worst they would throw a half-assed apology my way and I'll forgive them.  To let people demean me or my accomplishments. 

So, since I walked the walk myself, I feel like I'm qualified to point out a few things: 

1- If all the people you are meeting are self-absorbed, self-serving jerks who never appreciate you, maybe you should stop, take a deep breath and look at yourself first because although this world is full of jerks, the chances of you and me meeting only them are slim. 

2- Playing the victim, never helps, so you feel like you are unappreciated? why are you putting up with it? that would be the most important questions. ( again I'm not talking about certain types of relationships)

3- Maybe just maybe this is a direct result of your actions, let's say you are unintentionally acting like an insensitive and entitled jerk bcoz it is what you've been taught, then how do you expect others to put up with you? 

4- No one wants to see their own flaws, everyone always blames others, but what we perceived ourselves to be might be far from the truth, so bear that in mind. 

I’m not very brave, nor strong and that is the absolute truth. 

Funny how people always say that they admire how brave I am or how strong I have been, while I’m shaking inside, scared out of my mind and not sure if I can even move a finger, I’m that paralyzed with fear. But I put on a brave face and charge. 

Verily, this is what I have always shown the world. Otherwise, I would have been crushed under the pressure. This doesn't make me brave, just a survivor, a realist, or a cynic ( depending on how you look at it). 

The thing is I learned something valuable. Unlike how Disney depicted, there is no Prince to come and save me. All I have is me. 

I have to take care of me, I have to pick myself up, I have to be there for me. I cannot expect a guy to come and save me, or even lend a hand to help me get up. After so many disappointments and heartbreaks, I finally learned. 

So Yea, I get things done, even if I am scared shitless, I tackle problems even if I am not sure how and I do all of that with a smile.  And I don’t care how many times I have to try,  or how many times I am going to fall, I will always get up and try again. There are no other options for girls like me. We have to prevail. Our perseverance will eventually get us where we need to be. 

Why do you lie? 

How does it feel? I mean you lie to your friends, to your colleagues, Family, significant other... but why? does it make you feel smarter? Superior? What is it? In what universe lying had made you a SUPERIOR to others? Are you daft?! 

Well, I guess I should probably accept that We, the ppl who see right through the lies but do not confront you, are partially to blame. Lets' go through some examples of that.

EXHIBIT A 

My Ex- Let’s Call Him NICK-0, lied to me about the degree he was getting at uni. Let’s backtrack a bit, When we first met, he ASKED ME what was my Major and at that time I was getting my BS in mining engineering, and I told him so since I never thought it was a big deal anyways, I mean university degree does not define anyone, Right?? Anyways, He said he was getting BACHELOR OF SCIENCE in CIVIL Engineering, in X uni. I Actually didn’t think much of it, but one of my friends ( she’s a nosy bitch, but I love her) started researching and later told me at X university there was the only DIPLOMA in Civil engineering and if he is, in fact, studying there, he’s probably getting a diploma. Again, the stupid trusting girl that I was, I defended him and told her she's wrong. But to clear my mind I asked him, and he got angry and took offense that I did not trust him. I was reprimanded, felt Like shit, and tried to make it up to him. Fast forward a year or so, We were at some store I honestly can't remember what was it but he told me to get his wallet and give him some cash from it. I opened the wallet and Lo and behold there was hid Student ID clearly stating he was a Diploma student. I was shocked, I mean I defended the jerk, I believed him only to find out he was a bloody liar. SO I confronted him then and there and he was sooooooooo angry saying " I TOLD YOU I WAS GETTING MY DIPLOMA" I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! 

EXHIBIT B 

One would say after that fiasco I had learned my lesson.. but noooooooo, still believing ppl, bcoz why would they lie ya know? The Next Ex, Let's call Him NICK-1 ( his name is actually nick but who cares). I moved to another country to be with him.

So, He was insisting that he was going to buy a homecoming gift for me, something I thought was absolutely unnecessary, and told him he doesn't have to repeatedly. He decided since I was starting my Uni, he's going to buy a Mac book for me. After a long back and forth, I finally relented. Then, a couple of days later, when I was going to get on board the plane to there, he called and was like " Well, I thought instead of Mac book, I should get you an LCD" In my mind, I was like " Bitch did I ask you to buy me shit?!!!! you Fucking insisted now after I have left the duty free you are telling that You changed your fucking mind?" but outwardly I was like that's cool, don't get anything babe, I will sort things out when I get there. He said, "nonononono I'm going to buy the LCD I CANNOT LET YOU COME HERE WITHOUT A HOMECOMING GIFT" at that point I was like it is really not necessary. Long story short, He did buy the bloody LCD which was second hand but He insisted that it was NEW I never said shit. But I keep wondering, why? I said repeatedly that I didn't want anything, YOU insisted, even if you have said it was second hand, I would have been ok, but Lying to my face?! WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with you 

EXHIBIT C 

Another Ex of Mine ( Name: you guessed it NICK-2) 

This one is even more disturbing, so we were at this shopping mall, I spotted a watch that I liked for ages in a store window, and was telling him I’m gonna buy this bcoz I liked that watch so much. He was like “no no no no don’t, your birthday is near I wanna buy this for you." and thus  commence arguments about how I can buy that thing for myself, and him saying how he WANTED to buy that for me bcoz it will be the perfect birthday present, again, I relented. So I flew back to my home country for holidays, and he was supposed to fly home too which he did, But Kid you not his story was even more mind-boggling. After he came he concocted this story about how JUST THE WATCH has been stolen from his luggage, not his more expensive watches or Jewelry or perfumes JUST THE 90$ watch that was my gift. Again I didn't say shit but Honestly,  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH PPL?!

Anyways, Just to wrap things up, YES We do realize you are lying, NO you are not AS SMOOTH OR SMART as you think if we do not confront your sorry ass, it’s bcoz a) we do not care about that crap we like you that much b) unlike you, we are considering your feelings c) we do not want to be more disappointed in you when you come up with more shitty ass excuses to justify your action or d) all of above.

Ok, so I  have decided to put my tumbler handler out in my other social media platforms before going further let’s have this out of the way first. (Well second, since it is my second post). Let's talk about the pink elephant in the room. 

I wish I was one of those sophisticated distant clinical writers. You know, the ones who write profound philosophical motivational stuff? without an ounce of personal attachment whatsoever? 

Well, I'm not I wish I was though. From the time I can remember, I have always been a storyteller. And the best stories that I have told were about me. I talk about my own experiences, my thoughts or opinion  (as outrageous and controversial as they might be). So you see when you are retelling your own story, you are bound to talk about others too. 

It is not an exception here, I talk about my life, my relationships, and experiences. It will be messy, it might come off sarcastic ( well I am a sarcastic and cynical bitch), or like I am bitter ( I am not really though). Just to clarify, I am not here to bash people, or beat a dead horse, I'm talking about my emotions and what I have been through. If by any chance you are the villain of one of my plays and that makes you uncomfortable, it is your prerogative. However, I think you should probably take that as a lesson not to act like a pompous, entitled ass and consider the ramifications of your action before acting like a self-absorbed narcissist ( Just saying ). 

Is forgiveness truly divine? I mean seriously? is it? Or it is a way to force others to accept our fuck-ups without a fuss? Like making them feeling superior, ( falsely if you ask me). Is it just a big fat lie to shove down people's throat? Why does everybody expect it then? Like if you don't forgive someone, all of a sudden you are the villain in the scenario !! Let me illustrate my point with a few examples:   See, I used to have a "best- friend", whom I have known for 22 years, throughout our supposed friendship, I got to be DEVINE for like twice or thrice a year on average. She was one of those people who was with you for the good times, but if the things got messy, you would see back of her head so fast you would have twisted your neck! Time and time again I got hurt, then she would be contrite, apologizing profusely, making excuses ( e.g. I didn't think it was that important, I didn't think it would hurt you, so on and so forth ) And me being the DIVINE person that I am, I forgave her, every single time. But you know what, after 22 years, the excuses wear thin, and I decided I don't want to be DIVINE anymore, who said I had to put up with that shit?! 

Another example would be another situation I was in, Boy oh boy. I won't go into details but let's just say that the situation was less than savory and concern another person who after I called him out on acting like a total jerk ( granted I was so mad at that point and I was pretty loud) After he realized that I was not budging ( meaning not FORGIVING him on the spot for being a selfish and mean A-hole) brought himself even lower and told me and I'm quoting " Yea, Stay at your dad's house and become a spinster. Now I was never one of those girls who had the marriage fever, for me, my career and progress takes precedence over marriage, So my first reaction was: “is this supposed to hurt me?” By then he descended so low in my opinion that even earthworms or insects were placed higher than him. The mind-boggling part was that he still EXPECTED me to forgive him!! I mean What the fuck? and Lo and Behold, when I didn’t I Became the bad guy!