stevietodd

Contributing to an open-source project takes a lot of painful setup and perseverance, but it’s a great feeling!

I am convinced that mob business is alive and well, and it is making most of its profit off of the racket that is high-speed food blenders.

If you’re foolish enough to leave a cat in your office with the door closed while you’re on a video call then yes, you deserve having to sit there and smile and talk and pretend like you don’t smell the most atrocious freshly-laid cat turd.

It takes Olympic-like coordination to keep from crashing your bike when you realize that’s a cockroach crawling on your arm.

If you place 20 items on the conveyor belt with the intention of telling the cashier that you actually don’t want one of them in the middle of it all, that will randomly be the one thing she grabs and scans before you can stop her.

Friends don’t let friends accidentally leave their laptop attached to their mobile hotspot while joining an hour-long video chat.

According to the guy working the drive-thru, the junior-size shakes at Steak n Shake are about 3-4 oz.  Buddy if they’re only that big, I better be getting a flight!

If I opened an ice cream shop that served flights of milkshakes and/or sundaes, I’m confident I would be a billionaire.  #HowAwesomeWouldThatBe

Sure, the McDonalds sign just said Sausage Burrito, but my commute was way better having initially read it as Savage Burrito.

If I start playing a video game like Super Mario Odyssey, I will insist on not only finishing the game but obtaining 100% of the items and completing 100% of the tasks.  This, my friends, is why I no longer play video games.

If you’re the type of guy who is zipping up your pants as you walk out of the public restroom, then you need to slow down your life a bit.  Stop for a second and smell the urinal cakes.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t keep any app icons in the dock at the bottom of their iPhone.

It’s quite a shock when you drive past the two sweet innocent little girls with the cute stand in their front yard with signs advertising that they are selling slime.

Do not, under any circumstances, EVER leave your dogs who haven’t been outside in a while unattended when Roomba is scheduled to clean. #SpiralPatterns

Spam emails have have hit a new low and are now trying to entice me with Burger King gift cards. #NoMoreRussianBrides

Sometimes you smell death and decay while out walking near your house and your over-active brain thinks  “I’m sure it’s an animal, but what if someone went missing!?” Then a day later you find out on the news a lady has gone missing just two houses down and you think “Holy shit!” and really start to think you should investigate.  Then a day after that they announce she’s safe and sound and your life goes back to boring boringness.

Never assume that they forgot to put the jalapenos in your burrito.  That last bite was a doozy.

Sometimes you have to file tax returns in states you didn’t live in and didn’t make any money in. #SayWhat

Seeing the words “Fried Chicken” and reading them as “Friend Zone Chicken” leads you down a fun little rabbit hole.

They make mittens for babies specifically so they don’t scratch themselves. #WhoKnew

The people in Canada are definitely very nice which means it must be extra difficult finding the gruff folks who work at the border crossing.

You can see the city of Toronto all the way across Lake Ontario from the U.S. side and that is Super. Freaking. Cool.

When wandering to a corner in a museum to discreetly fart, make sure the wall behind you isn’t actually an elevator.

Only the coolest wife ever will suggest “fire-drilling it” and promptly hop over the center console of the car to drive so you can get out in the middle of a traffic jam and go take a silly photo.

I accidentally told a bum “Sorry man, I don’t have time” instead of “Sorry man, I’m supposed to be somewhere” and immediately felt like an ass.

You know you live in a cat zoo when you hear growling coming from a random kitchen cupboard and don’t blink an eye.

It doesn’t count as “sadly drinking alone at home” if your work organizes a video chat “happy hour” meeting.

Due to the stress of dealing with morons, I will never again choose “posting this furniture in the For Free section on Craigslist” over “immediately driving it to the dumpster”.

The only thing scarier than being in a hurricane is imagining what it was like when people used to have NO IDEA THEY WERE COMING OMG.

I’ve reached the sad point in my life where doing minimal yardwork consisting only of picking up branches and twigs causes my leg muscles to ache for days.

There’s nothing like renting a good book from the library, kicking off your shoes, settling down in your easy chair, and looking up at your bookshelf to see that you already own this book.

San Francisco:  the city where it’s perfectly normal for a shirtless homeless man to be conducting his business with the teller next to yours at the bank.

If there’s a car door nearby, my shin will find it.

There’s something hilarious about two old guys at the fast food place going on and on about how it’s impossible to eat rice without a spoon.