obsessive

I usually don't condone the consumption of fast food, but I agree that you deserve it after that Chem test today. How do you think you did?

You know that scene in Ferris Bueller where Cameron feels like he’s dying and sings? I know what it feels like. 

Are you okay? Feeling like you're dying doesn't sound so good...

"I think I made a mistake, but it’s too late to change." Spencer ran a hand through his hair, "I just don’t know if I did the right thing or not." He sighed, then continued, "I’m glad you know me that well by now though." Spencer looked to Tanner to give him a small smile.

"What kind of mistake?" Tanner asked, wondering what the boy could have possibly done to put him in such a bad mood. "Well, I would try and help you figure that out, but I haven't gotten the story yet." He shrugged, his lips curling up into a small smile in return to Spencer's. "Of course. I like to think I bring the positive reality of things into your life, but I don't sugar-coat it too much." Tanner grinned as the approached the coffee shop. Pulling his sleeve down over his hand, he reached to push the door open and held it for Spencer.

I mean… I know I’m not alone. I feel like I am. There’s a difference. It’s more of a mental thing than a physical thing. But it’s okay, Tanner, really. Don’t think of it as me changing for you, think of it as me bettering myself. We all evolve and change, and it’s okay. I just want to make you comfortable, that’s all. Well, I don’t think you need anyone. But I think you want people sometimes. Don’t you get lonely? I mean, I know it’s hard for you, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t miss having some sort of… interaction, I guess. Wouldn’t it be nice for someone to just treat you like you’re normal, then? I want to do that for you, but I have to learn because I don’t know what does and doesn’t make you uncomfortable. I don’t care about your tics, I just need to know the unspoken things that I do that make you uncomfortable. That’s all. I don’t know who that is, but I’m sure he’s awesome. I try because I care, and I watch you in chem and you’re just so sweet. You deserve the world, and I want to help you find someone who can give you that. Or at least, find happiness in what the world can give. Yeah, that’s a good one. Dude, that’s a great movie! Leonardo DiCaprio is awesome. My ultimate favorite movie is Bambi, but that’s really, really lame. Disney movies are great, but like, real level movie greatness… I would definitely say The Godfather, Fight Club, or Shawshank Redemption. Amazing movies. I also cry easily, so when Brooks let Jake go in Shawshank, I was a mess.

I understand. I don't think it is okay, though, because you are changing yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, so there's nothing you need to change to make me happy. What's making me uncomfortable is how eager you are to make me comfortable. You're trying way too hard to please me, and it's kind of strange. Sure, I want people and I have people. I do have friends, Levi, despite the fact that I might not hang out with them as much as you hang out with yours. It's my choice, though and people do treat me like I'm normal. I don't think you realize that you're being the person that you're trying to protect me from. You're treating me like I'm some sort of charity case that needs to be coddled and given extra attention, but that's not true. I'm just an independent person and I might not show a lot of emotion all the time, but that's just who I am. I don't need help finding anyone, but thanks... Yeah, I really like it. There's something super endearing about the plot. Bambi is awesome, but it makes me so sad. It seems like you have an interest in violence, huh?

I do, though. That’s the hard part. I feel lonely whenever I’m in a crowded room, and I don’t know why I feel that way— I shouldn’t. But I do. I want to change for you, you know? I want you to be happy with someone, and you need someone, Tanner. You mope around and I’m sad for you, like, you need someone. And I want to be that person, don’t worry. It’s not like I’m doing it because I feel sorry for you, I genuinely want to be your friend. My goal is to make you smile, I don’t care what or how or why. No, yeah, I want to see it.  Okay, well name a few. I want to make sure that you’re worthy of even being my friend.

Maybe you just have to realize that you're not alone, because there are plenty of people who care about you, so you shouldn't feel that way. I know it's hard to put yourself in that mindset, but it's possible. I mean, I go to school knowing that I'm different than most of the people around me, but I don't let it affect me. I don't want you to change for me, though. That's not fair to make someone change just to make myself happy and I would never ask someone to do that. Why do you think I need someone so badly, Levi? I know it might sound strange to you, but I'm happy being on my own. I choose to be alone most of the time, because being around other people can be hard for me sometimes, but that doesn't mean I don't have anybody. I have Asher and he makes me laugh and smile and I can just be myself around him, because he doesn't want to change me or himself. I think you're trying too hard to make me happy and I don't know why. Um, okay.. Well, we watched Silver Linings Playlist together, so I obviously like that.. What's Eating Gilbert Grape is really good and... yeah. What about you?

I guess it’s just me dealing with loneliness. I assume people don’t like me because I… don’t know. It’s hard to explain. I’m a very honest person, and an open person, and I want you to be able to open up to me, Tanner. We can be friends, if you want that, because I want that. You have to tell me how I need to change, for you to like me and feel comfortable around me. Okay, so let’s start off with similarities. I love reading and drawing, too. What kind of stuff do you like painting? I keep a journal with all of these quotes that I love and I love movies and I just love all kinds of artsy stuff. What are some of your favorites? 

You shouldn't assume that, especially when you're a very friendly and likeable person. I'm sure everyone you meet has a positive first impression of you. I do want to be friends, but.. I don't want you to change? Levi, you shouldn't change yourself to make other people happy. That's like, no... You just have to be yourself and the people who stick around because of who you are-- they're the important ones. Well, I like to paint mostly simplistic stuff. I don't know... I guess I can show you sometime. Some of my favorite movies? I'm not even sure if I have favorites. I like a lot of movies.

"Yeah that’s fine." Spencer walked along the pavement. "Tanner, sometimes it just gets to me is all." Spencer knew that Tanner was probably right about the whole negative thing, but he was in too deep by this point to care. 

"Cool." Tanner smiled at the boy as they walked along, curious as to what had him so down. "I know it does," He frowned, his head falling to watch his feet on the sidewalk, being sure to step on every crack that they came across. "I know you too well than to start rambling about how everything will get better, because it will, but I know you don't want to hear that." Tanner lifted his head and turned to look at Spencer. "So, what exactly happened? It seems like you're overwhelmed."

Spencer looked at Tanner. “I have a bad life, love. That’s not going to change.” He started to walk towards the front of the school building, expecting Tanner to follow suit. “Where do you want to go?”

"Don't say things like that. Even if it were true, having a negative attitude will only make it worse." He liked to think that was how it worked, even if you couldn't always have complete control over your life, you could at least try. "Um, are you up for coffee? We can just go into town and talk there." Tanner shrugged as he followed Spencer, happy with going anywhere that wouldn't involve them sitting on the ground.

Spencer looked up to meet Tanner’s bright blue eyes, and looked away. “Everything.” Spencer sighed, “Nothing unusual I suppose.” He stood up from where he sat and turned to Tanner, “Do you wanna go sit somewhere else with me?”

"That doesn't sound good." Tanner said sympathetically, his eyes looking down to meet with Spencer's. "Everything can't be wrong, though. I bet you're just having a bad day." He said with a small smile, hoping that he'd be able to help the boy out with whatever was going on. "Yes, please." He nodded, glad that he wouldn't have to hover over the brunette the whole time that they talked.

Spencer sat against the wall of the school. Outside the wind blew in his face and Spencer had his head in his hands. He looked up suddenly, “What?”

Tanner frowned slightly as he approached the boy who was sitting against the wall, shrugging as he looked down at him. "Nothing," he started, wanting to sit down with his friend, but remembering that grass wasn't really his seat of choice. "What's wrong, Spence?"

Jesus— Tanner, I don’t want to upset you. I’m sorry, okay, I didn’t mean… I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just frustrated because I feel like you don’t like me, that’s it. But I want to get to know you! I want you to give me the opportunity to see what you’re like and how you are, but you’re so unsure of yourself. I want to be able to get to know the real you, then. I just don’t know how to make you feel better around me. I wish I could change, I really do. I want everyone to like me, and it’s a flaw of mine. I want to make you happy, around me, not even just like me. I don’t understand what it’s like to be you, you’re right. I wish I did just so I could know what would make you feel good. I just want to make you laugh, dude. You’re so serious all of the time. I want to hang out and not have you shake or like, get angry at me. What do you like doing? Hobby wise?

Well, I do like you and I've said that before, so I don't know why you'd think that I don't. I want to get to know you, too, but you're kind of hard to open up to. For me to open up to you, at least. Probably not for other people. It's not your fault that I act uncomfortable around you, that's just how I am with most people. It's not your fault and not everyone is going to like you, but that shouldn't bother you. I'm sorry that you want me to act differently, but I don't think that'll happen. I can't just change myself, you know. No matter how much I wish I could some days, I don't have that ability. Um, I mainly like reading and painting or drawing, but sometimes I like to write and take pictures. I don't know. Artsy stuff.

You do though, you do mind. Like, you always act like you don’t want to be around me— and I get it, okay, with your OCD and I’m gross, but… I don’t know. Like, it does make me feel bad. And every time I say something, you always act like I”m stupid or something. I want to be your friend, but you always act like that such a big deal for you. You wouldn’t be boring, though! You’re a great guy, and have a great personality. I think you need to laugh more and open up. You need to see the good in life and stop worrying so much about it— and I know. You can’t not worry. But try. Live a little. Let some things go. Like I said… you’re cute, you’re smart, you have  a lot to give. You just need to get out of your room once in a while. 

I don't mind and I don't like when you do that. You always try to tell me how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, when in reality you have no idea. I try really hard to ignore the things that I mentally can't stand about you, because I like your personality and want to get to know you more, but you make it hard when some of the things you say make me upset. Like what you're saying right now... that kind of stuff hurts me, Levi. You don't know how much I wish I could just stop worrying and let things go and just have fun, but I can't. I get that you don't understand that, because you have no idea what it's like to be me, but you have to stop trying to tell me how to live my life. This is what works for me and it's hard for me to find things that work. You'll never understand, so stop trying to.

I just have a question… why don’t you like me? Like, whenever you talk to me, you just… you make it seem like I’m stupid or something. And then I compliment you, and you don’t believe me. I’m just trying to be nice. Like, I obviously am not going to join the mob. But I’d like to think someone like you wouldn’t be killed in a mob setting. I’d like to think you’d outsmart them. Why are you so quick to disagree with me? 

What? I do like you. I mean, I wasn't given much of a choice when we were assigned to each other as lab partners, but I don't mind being around you. Do you really think I'm purposefully trying to make you feel bad? Because I hope you know that I would never do that to anyone, especially you. You're my friend, I think. I don't want you to think I dislike you, I guess I'm just... I don't know. Boring, like you said.

Well, I wouldn’t think it would be. No, you being cute would be appealing. You’d be like, a scapegoat or something. I don’t think I used that word right. Either way, I don’t think they’d kill you because they’d just feel guilty! They wouldn’t even know you were in the mob, to be honest. I’m not going to shut up, I hope you know that.

I'm not sure they'd find me appealing, because I'm not big and intimidating so they wouldn't see me as useful. I don't think you did either, but that's alright. Levi, are you hearing yourself? I know for a fact that a couple of mobsters wouldn't think twice about killing me, I mean, really. Think about it. I'm not joining the mob, so you might as well drop it. I know you won't, but it was worth a shot.

I actually used to chew my pens when I was younger, but I stopped the day one of my pens leaked into my mouth. It’s like touching a hot object when you’re little; do it once and learn from it.

Oh, well that's... different. Did you get sick from the ink?