Stepping In Puddles

I give up, I give in. There is no way I can win. I fought hard, I fought back, Now look where I'm at. There was no love, there is no hate, not a thing to berate. I give up. I give in. I've lost and you win.

I float here, untethered to this world, and wish you would just hold me and call me yours once again even though I know... I am waiting for a moment that will never come.

Men. >.>

We've been in the same room all day... yet I feel completely alone. I miss you. I miss us. I miss being able to walk up to you and curl up in your arms instead of walking by you because I know that your arms will no longer welcome me. I miss feeling like you actually want me around instead of feeling like you just stay around because you have nowhere else to be. I miss holding your hand, knowing I'm yours and you are mine. I miss thinking about all the things we will do together with our lives, how I could help you and you could help me. I feel no purpose, no point to my life. As very dramatic as it is. I woke today just because I had no other choice. I went to my appointment because I knew it would at least partially take away a small bit of my physical pain. And I will go to work tomorrow only because it will allow me to pay my rent and bills so I don't end up on the street. The only joy I got from this day was being able to be held and to hold you. Everything else is just filmed over and grey. Empty. I wish I could be as hollow as you claim that you are. That I felt nothing for you short of friendship. Because feeling this terrible ache is going to drive me to insanity. Feeling the gaps between my fingers where yours fit so well is going to kill me. Because in my heart I know where I belong. With you. And I'm deathly afraid that will never change. I don't like to feel like I keep pushing you but I simply cannot fathom what else to do. This choice feels like the wrong one. Like you just threw in the towel for the wrong reason. I could help you, you know? And I do have plans for my life. I just got done making my lifestyle change goals. It feels like you're not giving me or us a chance. Like youre grasping for straws and reasons to let go because you don't feel you're worth it. But you are. Every tear I shed over you through the last ten years has been worth it. All but the ones I shed now while I write this. I'm desperate for a chance to prove to you that you are not hollow or empty. That you are much more than you think. And that I am not just living for you, to take care of you or whatever. But because of you. Because you make me want to be better so that maybe, just maybe, I might some day feel like I deserve to be by your side.

I wish you could understand.

Seriously? I know you won't see this but... Fuck you for liking that.

This. Fucking. Sucks.