Purple pink skies

each conversation seems steeped in calligraphy warnings: well, too much of - there's the wrong kind of - you shouldn't promote having -

can't say diet culture is killing people, have to say - be sure you make healthy choices. don't talk about how thigh gaps are still-a-thing because you will have to say but talk to your doctor. don't say poverty is a huge factor in eating choices, say - each of us has to be careful!

stare at everyone else who is eating, stare at yourself. watch your calories! don't watch your calories too much, though. say it is healthy to take stock of yourself like you are a number. say it is healthy to obsess, because it's not really an obsession if it's self-care. have three options for exercise: gym you can't afford, classes that aren't helpful, movements that aren't accessible. go to the doctor for a cough, get told lose weight, you'll breathe easier. feel bad about cake on your birthday, wake up sweating, thinking that you accidentally ate something.

each time - either be dismissed for being hysterical (what problem? people deserve it), be dismissed for being too-logic driven. it feels right to not-eat, isn't that lovely! we love intermittent fasting (anorexia is a disease, this is a lifestyle! #staystrong everybody!), we love carb/fat/macro-counting magical thinking, we love blaming you for it. you-did-this-to-yourself.

skinny person on instagram says see! my body has flaws. everyone in the comments saying yes queen!!!. fat person on instagram says love how i look in this new tee-shirt, comments say -

anyway. anyway! i'm not saying anything new. but there's this thing about recovering from an eating disorder: it makes you incredibly aware of how disordered the rest of everyone else's eating is. you watch your friends make comments like well, if i just dieted, and you don't say anything because nobody is gonna go crazy just because you did (right? right?) and, besides, you've felt like this since you were a kid and -

can't say it. can't say it. everybody already-knows-about-it.

taylor swift: dear john (2010)