So. Lately I have been feeling so many things. Ranging from happiness to loneliness to depression to anxiety to excitement to guilt to shame to frustration to isolation and back to name a few.
This year has not been my greatest. It’s been an uphill battle to find “myself” and most often feels like I’m always 2 steps behind them.
Layer onto that seasonal affective disorder, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder and the holiday season in general and you have a recipe for disaster.
I’ve been struggling to feel independent while also connected. To keep myself fulfilled and healthy. Being in this city on my own this past year honestly hasn’t been easy or great a lot of the time. It’s sincerely confusing. I almost feel like a teenager again. Like I’m coming out or something. Making all of these stupid decisions and losing friends or potential friends because of it. And inevitably, shutting down altogether again. After all the work I’ve done to heal, I find I’m still missing pieces.
I think the key to it all is simply looking inside myself and letting that be alright and enough. I’m just not sure that it is or that I can believe that it is.
I feel torn every single day. In almost every single decision. Making it nearly impossible not to seem indecisive at best and bat shit crazy at worst.
I guess at 30 I thought I would have known myself a little better. Grown out of toxic tendencies and behaviors. Let go of old trauma and have healed more wounds. For all the steps I’ve taken to a healthier happier me, I’ve slid back again and again.
All I want is to make people happy. I know I have the immense gift of doing that when I’m well. But I also have the ability to destroy things when I’m not. I’m tired of losing people because I’m struggling and unable to find the words to explain it safely and securely.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a healthy relationship once in my entire life. With anyone really. So, I don’t have a lot to go off of when it comes to them. Potentially also why when things get to a certain point I just push with all my strength because at least I trust loneliness to always be there. Regardless of my illness or lack of control on my emotions.
The holiday season amps all these feelings up into a fever pitch and I just become sickly inside. And it sucks. I miss my family and I miss my friends. Im sorry I isolate and don’t call enough. It’s not personal. It’s just me. I still love you and everyone I’ve ever pushed away. In my own volatile way. I wish things were different today but they aren’t.
Hopefully I can get enough therapy to untangle this web in my head. But, I’m pretty sure I’d need a fortune to afford that kind of assistance so I suppose the anti depressants that are borderline working will have to suffice for a while longer.
Writing helps. That’s why I do this. Attention isn’t the reward. The freedom of the truth is. Even for the 10 minutes I got to write all this down I escaped the cage of my mind and that 10 minutes is the most valuable reward of all. And I truly hope my candor in this helps you reading this as well know you aren’t alone even if your mind is telling you that.
Someone somewhere loves you despite your illness. Let that save you when you can’t save yourself.
origamiaround
germansingergirl
janainaart
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
