Story Of My Life

I never knew how much the news of your passing could affect me so much. Many people watching from the sidelines would think that I am overreacting... but no matter how I try to focus on work, I cannot seem to focus..

We've never really been close on a personal basis but you were someone who made an impact in my life. The evidence would be whenever I play chords on the guitar, I will always play a full chord and never submit to a half chord.

You always placed an emphasis on playing full chords and barring the entire fretboard with your fingers. It hurt like hell when we first learned it and definitely would have turned back to the easier option. When it came to the assignment of school guitarist playing hymns for morning assembly. I remember being pointed at to learn the chords in order to play for morning assembly. It was a scary thing because I'd be playing in front of the whole school. But you believed in my talent and did it anyway.

You assigned me to the rhythm section of the classical ensemble when we were ready and preparing for SYF. I clearly remember the names of the pieces we played for it. "Star Wars" and "As the Deer".

You always told us to treat our guitars like our husbands/ boyfriends, hug them to sleep because that was how hard you wanted us to practice our pieces.

I will continue to use the guitar to praise God and spread his love to those around me. Thank you once again for the knowledge you have given us.

This is probably going to be a long post. So I'll just get it out there anyway.

I have been going through a phase. Now that I have a new job that allows me to have more time to think for myself and everything, I am in the process of fixing myself, finding out what I really want to do in life, and so on.

There have been numerous doubts that I have put on hold because of work, studies, etc. All these distractions and a toxic work environment that happened after my breakup 4 years ago.

I've come to terms that I am a person that overthinks, sensitive, and have very low self-esteem, and that I dwell in self-pity.

All these I reckon are because of being continuously compared to other people my whole life. Growing up, people think that being the only child means that you probably have all the love in the world and you are having a good life. Anything else you complain about is just you being ungrateful for what you have and all.. "yeah, look at the children elsewhere who have it tougher OR look at your cousin... he/she has accomplished this in life, how about you?"

When I was young, before I stepped into the working world, I was always going out of my way to find people to hang out with and taking more initiative to connect with people after I started opening up and being more sociable. I thought very little about my own wellbeing and everything was fine as long as the people around me were happy and doing well.

I brought it upon myself to be that person who would be the one to be the peacemaker whenever a fight started or just being the better person for others. But not once did I stop to think about my own insecurities or pay heed to why I had such low self-esteem and basically fight my own demons. I would blame myself so hard for the mistake I made and just abuse myself that way.

I have the most wonderful parents ever. Don't get me wrong, I love them very much but no one has perfect parents (we are all human and humans make mistakes we are not perfect). I know that they only want what is best for me and will do their best to continue to see that they guide me on the right path and help me grow into a person who is successful in life and is able to support myself and the family.

Being compared to all my life has given me that consistent doubt that I'm not living up to my parent's expectations and that whatever I am or have achieved is not good enough. Sure, there is always room for improvement and life must go on. But I feel I never really had the chance to face the demons and lies that have been residing deep within my mind.

It's hard living up to everyone's expectations and I can't simply please everyone. Spending time with my friends the last year has helped me through my darkest time when I really felt like giving up on everything. I am very grateful that I love them for it.

But soon I slowly fell into a world of my own where I just wanted to throw all self-discipline away and do whatever I wanted, well, whatever self-discipline that was left in me anyway.

I feel burnt out recently and have been reflecting on why I have been acting the way I did towards certain things and I have just been dragging by the end of the rope as life pulls me along and continues.

My friend once told me that she envied the relationship I had with my parents, that we were close even though we do not have much in terms of money. I guess I could be more grateful for what I have right?

Actually, I find myself in the same exact situation as her. I feel like I don't communicate well with my dad cause we seldom talk at home or rather, have meaningful conversations about life. Most of the time it's talking about how I can improve myself and prosper in the corporate world. I'm not saying that I do not want to be successful and progress in life and that I want to remain stagnant. I find it hard to communicate what I really want to do in life because with him, its always thinking about what is good for the family and how I can contribute to making life easier for him.

Don't I want to do that? YES! but not in the way that he wants me to at least. All I ever want is to retire my dad early as soon as possible. But that would take me FOREVER on the corporate ladder. I know he just wants what is best for me and is trying to help me realize my full potential in corporate life but in honest truth, it is going to be mundane and wherever I go.

Going into ITE, I really did not have a choice in doing what I wanted. I wanted to go into Beauty and Spa but my dad strongly objected to it and so I compromised and did the next thing I was interested in which was hospitality. I don't regret learning about hospitality and hotel operations because it was one way I could at least satisfy my passion for serving others and making someone else's day by helping them.

Sure, I may have quit my job as a receptionist because I was really emotionally drained and tired and the end of my previous relationship affected me a lot. My friendships were strained too because I simply had no time and energy left to maintain them. I simply used the opportunity to further my studies and figure out how else I can serve in the hotel industry but in a less emotionally draining manner.

That was why I entered into HR, was it a mistake? I don't know, but my dad now has higher expectations for me after I graduated with that degree. I have always realized that I want to learn things and do things for myself. Whenever my dad offers me help in looking for a job in HR amongst his friends and so on. To be real honest I really did not feel comfortable with accepting help from friends or family when it comes to job hunting because I simply do not want to get their hopes up and disappoint them.

But I've never given up on my passion for art. I've taken an interest in becoming a manicurist and painting nails for people. I feel like this is the way I can fully utilize my passion for art and serving others and making their day. I really want to go into this industry, follow my passion and make a living out of it.

I want to start doing things for myself and realise my own dream and I cannot do that without God's grace and guidance together with my family and friends around me.

"Our faith is becoming irrelevant because of secularism, materialism, individualism, and relativism.."

Father, your love for us is reckless and endless. You are always there beside us whenever we need you. Please help us in our struggles.. be it with our loved ones that are ill and in critical condition, carrying big emotional burdens because no one is there and you are all alone.

Or just struggling with the habitual sin of lust, sloth, envy, etc.

It's hard to overcome all these obstacles and we tend to want to rely on our own strength to do things. But Lord, please let us turn to you more in our time of need, be it comfort, or the grace to come back to you.

Here I am, listening to all the Jesse McCartney songs that remind me so much about you and the time we had together back when we were just teens.

I don't know if it's because I've been single for too long, and wonder if I'd ever find a guy that will ever love me for who I am. But I'm thinking of the promise you made me.

That you'd marry me one day if we were both single. I kept telling you that you didn't need to keep that promise. Every time you told me that.

How I wish that we were together right now when the reality is catching up. But I know if I truly love you, I must let you go.

You've spent too long a time getting over me. When you kept holding on to the promise that you made me. It's selfish of me to wish we were meant to be. But I truly wish you all the happiness that you find in the girl that's in your life right now.

Time has passed really fast, and sometimes I wonder what I've been doing with my life..

Well, I've been moping for the past 3 years, dwelling in self-pity and finding love in the wrong places. In all honesty, I sound pathetic. No matter what I did the past 3 years were just a distraction from the real problem I had to face myself.

" You need to love yourself before you love others."

I never fully understood the meaning of this phrase. What does this phrase truly mean? What does it mean to love me? How do I allow God to love me?

I thought that I was already healed after I went for Treasure (a retreat for young catholic working adults). I did feel the presence of Jesus during the pray over and I did feel the wound in my heart stitch back up. But I never knew how deep my wound was until now.

I find myself taking a few steps back after I have moved forward. I really thought that I was ready to love others and give myself to others as I did last year. But everything has been going in the opposite direction.

My breakup with my ex was 3 years ago in 2017... and I've still not recovered from that breakup. I can only say that during the 3 years, I've not been taking care of myself spiritually. I realized how deeply my spiritual wound has affected me as a person. Sure, life goes on.. I forced myself to move forward to complete my degree and find a better job. At least I thought I found a better job...

Just when I thought that I was healed and was ready to move forward, my spiritual wound opened back up again. It's like after you go through a major operation and you needed to rest and continue to heal. But you did not listen to your doctor's instructions that made the stitches open again because you over-exerted yourself. You find your healing process back at square one because you have to restitch the open wound.

That is pretty much where I am right now. I'm back at square one, still spiritually impaired because I have not been taking care of myself in that aspect.

That being said, when I wanted to love myself, I was placed in an environment where I was constantly told that my work was not good enough, that I was not doing things right.. anything that I did just was not good enough.. even when things went wrong where I wasn't involved, I was blamed for.

When you're placed in that environment, you soon start to believe the lies you are being told every day. You start to believe that you are not good enough even though you've emerged from a great encounter with God that has somewhat healed you.. you start to doubt yourself again and your wound becomes worst than before.

It was difficult to get out of that situation because COVID-19 happened... the economy was not doing well and I had to face the fact that I simply could not leave my job as I wanted because there were no job opportunities available if I did, and I had to support myself...

I felt helpless in that situation... what really kept my spirit alive was being part of a youth community at OYP (Office for Young People) the weekly sessions kept my spirit from wandering too far away from God. Looking back, I recognized that God was there with me through my friends and my community..

I felt a huge sense of relief after I have resigned from my previous company and was looking forward to starting the new year with a new lifestyle, to become a better person.. I started it right with my friends and even started exercising so that I can love my own body more.

I still can’t believe everything that has happened the past year... I thought we were meant to be, I thought there was no one else I would love more than you...

It pains me to say this, but I still love you just as much, my feelings for you have not faded. It’s still here, strong as ever. Though you clearly do not feel anything for me anymore... I have to let go at some point right?

Time has passed very fast, and you have already moved on with someone else in hand that you completely adore. I’m happy to see that you’re happier and that you’re doing well. When all has already been said and done. I wish you the best in life and hope to remain your friend. 

I have reflected over the months about what went wrong and why and decided to a conclusion that maybe we weren’t meant to be. 

I would like to apologise and clear the air between us, I never liked to have tension between us. So to have closure, this is what I have to say, because things will be better this way. 

First, I would like to thank you, for all the love you have showered me with for the past two years and a half. Although i don’t show it much, you were my safe place, someone i could turn to and you’re always willing to help me even at the expense of your health. I cannot thank you enough for all the gestures of love we have shared, I loved each one of them the most and have held them close to my heart. I loved you so much. 

Second, I would like to apologise for not appreciating what you do for me. I kept wanting more and focused more on my love language, while i should be the one figuring out yours. I’m sorry i wasn’t able to see how difficult things were for you at that stage of your life and for not being as accommodating and understanding as i should have. For taking out my frustration at you when you were doing your best. 

I guess it was true what you said, us being different i thought long and hard but still could not see where went wrong. I guess my actions just caused you more stress that you did not already need and at the same time, while you spent more time with your colleagues who could relate more to you, you went for the grass that was greener on the other side. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want us to be together again. I just want my friend back again. You and I both discovered who and what we wanted in a relationship through the one that we had. I don’t regret the relationship we had and everything along with it. It was a lesson to learn for us both. Maybe it wasn’t the right time or place. But I leave everything to fate. Most importantly, to the man up there to decide what’s best for the both of us. 

I’d be lying if i said i didn’t care. I still do and always will. Not in the same way like it used to, but not any less then it should be. I’m still getting over you, not gonna lie. But because I love you, i’ll move on and be the friend you need in life. 

May God continue to bless you with everything good. I hope you find the happiness you deserve and long for in life. I hope you can forgive me and that we can still be friends. I’ll still be there for you should you ever need one.

With love,