Apologies in Advance

I want to die tonight. I want to fall away into a carpet of black, enveloped into an endless abyss.

This feeling is slowly eating me alive. I can only hold it off for so long... It’s only a matter of time before the floor beneath me gives out. Then, I fall.

I was laying on the couch, thinking about how much I don’t want to be alive, and the things that are keeping me here. Mostly I feel like it would be too selfish, and the outcome would harm those around me more than it would benefit them. Going back to the original idea, this is counterproductive to what I find myself attempting to achieve in my day to day life. There are so many negatives stacked against me right now... I feel like crumbling. I wish I could just escape, but with the idea of what could be looming over my head; there’s no way.

Then I look at the physical things in my life, the little things in my room and what not. I quite like them. I get a small dose of happy in all this melancholy. They fascinate me and capture me for a split second, and then I’m back to running through my thoughts like a hamster on a wheel that’s too small. I feel like I have the physical style and belongings I’ve always wanted, and every day that becomes true even more so. With every step I take to becoming the person I’ve always looked up to, I take one step back from how I should feel. No normal person should feel like their core is filled with thick black tar, the box constantly pulling down on my chest with an unbearable weight. I have to remind myself to breathe at times. Recently I’ve been forgetting. I’ve come to associate the feeling of nausea with day to day activities, it’s become a regular part of my mornings. And evenings. And afternoons. 

On another note, I’ve been losing motivation again... I find it hard to want to text someone back, that’s how bad it is. This morning I noticed it was hard to get out of bed, and not in the usual “I’m so tired,” kind of way. This time was different. 

I tried asking a professional the other day, but the app wouldn’t even let me send a message. It insisted I pay $49 monthly(?), but I could possibly qualify for subsidy. I did, and that reduced it by 30%... I still can’t afford that. So I guess instead I’m stuck waiting until it finally gets bad enough for someone to notice.

 Softly at first, she almost wondered if her eyes were just extra watery from the alcohol. The the light grew stronger, a blush pink that called to her. She felt all warm and tingly inside, so she felt her way through the corridor.

The metal of the doorknob was warm against her touch. It made a slight squeak as she twisted her wrist. The frame stuck, she pushed, and the door jerked open. 

It was as if she’d stepped into a dream. Was she dead?

The room was a soft white glow, no walls, no ceiling, no floor. Her stomach tugged and churned, the urge to vomit filled her throat. She rotated, spewing into the hallway.

“You always were a classy girl.” A man chuckled.

Surprised, she spun to see the first man she ever loved, three feet away from her.

“Feel better? I know this is probably a lot all at once.” The voice came from another man, off to the right.

She didn’t say a word. She stood there, dazed. 

Looking around the space, she begin to recognize faces to people she hadn’t noticed at first. 

Where did they come from? 

Slowly her mind began making connections. These were people she’d loved, at some point or another. Her mom, her first lover, her first boyfriend, her 3rd grade art teacher. They all stared back at her as she took it all in. 

“Wha- I, I don’t understand, what is this. Why are you all here?”

No one said anything, they continued to watch as she analyzed their faces.

A few moments went by, and her focus shifted to a particular being, in the back.

“Granddad?”

Squinting, she began to walk towards the figure, moving through the small crown of people.

“Granddad? Is that you?”

He smiled down at her sweetly, wrinkles collecting next to the edges of his eyes and mouth. Everything was exactly as she’d remembered it. Tears began to well up in her eyes. She reached up a hand and touched his scruffy face.

“How can this be? You’ve been dead for years.”

He continued to grin at her, and she could now see that he too was on the verge of tears.

“Granddad?”

He pulled her into and embrace, she closed her eyes and breathed him in. The shrill scent of after shave stinging her nostrils. She loved it. She hugged him tighter, and fell to the floor.

“What?” On her hands and knees, she looked around her. The warm light was gone. Her grandfather was gone, Everyone in the room had vanished, been replaced with and old washing machine and dryer. She was in the laundry room of her apartment building. 

But she couldn't help but feel like she was being a coward. Taking the easy way out and running away. She lost all confidence in herself in this moment.

Suddenly she was wrong, and no longer held any valid arguments. She lost all footing and fell into the pit of her mind, falling into herself endlessly, desperately grasping for a hand that wasn't there.

"Everything is okay. Come this way."