Probably a Cryptid

octopuses die after they have sex for the first time by the way. and squidward just happens to still be alive and well.

The presence of Squilliam Fancypants would suggest that “Squi-“ is simply a common prefix for octopus names, likely one with great cultural significance and meaning

his name is squilliam fancySON we are exposing TOO many fake fans tonight

squidward has only 6 tentacles. OCTOpuses have 8 (hence the prefix). the creator is a marine biologist, this isnt some rookie design mistake. literally anyone who has watched the show for 5 minutes would know this come on now yall….

this started as an argument about squidward being an adult virgin

Look butthole

ye spread ye cheeks to the nearest mirror. inside ye butthole is a bottle of DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT SOAP

Take soap

ye attempteth to take ye soap out of ye butthole but ye buttholds fast

Look room

ye look around ye room. this is where ye sleep on a stinky matress without a bedframe or sheet to be found. on ye wall ye sees ye HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR (2015), ye chest o'drawers has a record player with FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS on the spindle, ye night stand has a small bottle of DR. BRONNER'S BUTTHOLE RELEASE cream. doors to ye bathroom and ye kitchen are both on ye north wall.

Use record player use record player

ye listen to the entirety of FLEETWOOD MAC - RUMOURS, playing THE CHAIN four times in a row, forgetting about ye minty butthole problems.

Look calendar

Ye narrator tires of using pseudo old timey speech and she suddenly abandons it. The HUNKY FIRECHUNKS CALENDAR is flipped to JULY 2015, on it there is a HUNKY FIRELAD, insanely toned wearing nothing but a fire helmet and a jock strap, he is partially submerged in a giant bowl of chili. Between his legs he straddles a large firehose, clearly a penis metaphor. His eyes look seductive but somehow, impatient. Like he has an important meeting to get to, a meeting with your genitals, perhaps? Oh also I guess you circled JULY, 17TH, 2015 for some reason but whatever.

Go kitchen

It's your kitchen. On your refrigerator sits a goblin. On the walls are two sexy calendars - both from 2015, one is SPICY FIREFIGHTIN' LASSES and the other is AGENDER ARSONISTS, maybe you wished to give the firefighters a purpose by giving them fires to fight? After all, what's a sexy hero without a sexy sexy villain? You don't have a stove, stop asking about the stove.

Hug goblin

You embrace the goblin. The goblin, touch starved, begins to cry on your shoulder.

you ever hear a song that makes you wish you were in a band so you could play that song live and go buck wild and smash your instrument on the stage in a fit of wild passion and fury cause I do all the time babes

me at 3am talking to myself: do you ever think that Frank Iero knows we call him all sorts of wierd things? cause I think he does and that terrifies me a little deep down in my souls