Steff's World! Party Time! Excellent!

Even with everyone around me

Even with my friends who support me

Whom I love so much

I just can’t feel whole

Because there is such a humongous hole in me

In my soul

In my heart

I’m tired of just being shut down for everything.

For what I’m feeling.

For what I’m doing.

For what I’m NOT doing.

I never win.

Hell, I don’t even want to win.

I just want to be understood.

I want to just be name and feel me.

I can’t even do that.

No wonder my anxiety has spiked up so much because I’ve had to compress all these emotions of feeling invalid. Of feeling completely useless. Of it always being my fault even when I don’t understand why.

Why am I always the one that’s wrong

Why am I always the one that ends up crying in an argument.

Why is it always me

I often even believed in this fault

And that’s the toxic part of it.

To this day I still feel like I’m at fault for everything

It’s the reason I always say sorry even when I didn’t do anything wrong

My friends even ask me why i always say it so much when I didn’t do anything wrong

I feel like it’s literally programmed in me to feel like I’m at fault or feel like I can never do anything.

I think that’s the main trigger of my anxiety

Why I always pefect everything I do

Why i always clean things and I do it for such a long time because I want it to be flawless

And if it’s anything less, it’s failure.

And I can’t stand failures.

It’s probably my worst fear.

Which is probably why I can’t even grow as a professional or a person

I’m literally stuck.