everything else

i feel like there’s no room for me in his new life. no room for my clothes in his closet or my stuff in his room. we were supposed to move in together, but now he has this apartment with his sister and he gave her the bigger room with the ensuite bathroom, and i could move in with him but where would i fit? he has a full time job, and he’s going to finish his degree soon, and i work once a week for less than 5 hours and haven’t even graduated high school.

i can’t get rid of the urge to sabotage everything in my life and kms. dump my boyfriend, quit my job, stop talking to all my friends, cut my family off, get high on whatever fucking drugs and just die

I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about, but my boyfriend hasn’t been able to make me finish during sex before he does for the past 2 times. I know it’s not for lack of trying, and it’s not his fault, but after showering, shaving, moisturizing, and cleaning for him to come over all on a day that was supposed to be a rest day for me, I almost wish I hadn’t invited him over. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, but I think I was just really excited about today and put more effort in because of that and im disappointed with the result

for some reason, one of the things that upsets me most about having dropped out of high school to deal with my mental health is that Ill never get a graduation ceremony, and I’ll never get a prom, or any other graduating activities. My stepmom keeps saying they’ll buy me a dress and that’s nice, but I feel like even that has a time limit, because i don’t think they’ll be willing to buy me a grad dress in a year or two. and even if I do get the dress, what’s the point? I’ll go out to dinner in it maybe, and then that’ll be it. I think the root of it all is how drastically isolated I am from my peers. I feel like such a failure.

trying so hard not to cry in this car with my boyfriends family about the fact that I have no fucking friends

it absolutely kills me to hear about people around me doing fun things with their friends and I know that’s dumb but it hurts so fucking bad that I don’t have anyone to do things with and I’m just spending my time alone in my room

It only took 3 years of being in a relationship but I’m finally comfortable enough with sex and my partner knows enough about what I like that I was able to cum for the first time without a vibrator during sex today :’)

i’ve been having issues with work because being chronically ill and immunocompromised means i take more days off than what most people think is “appropriate”, and they don’t have me on the schedule for the next two weeks but they asked me to come in to cover someone for 3 hours tomorrow. i said yes but i’m pissed off

picked up $77 worth of groceries for smoothies and sandwiches because i’m a toddler and i have to hide veggies in my food to be able to eat healthy. i’m trying my best to improve my diet because i’m pretty sure it’s part of why i’m so fucking exhausted all the time but i’m not that optimistic because i feel like i’ll hyper focus on it for the next two weeks and then get sick of it! i love having to work around the taste palette of a toddler and a ton of sensory issues

i don’t even have the energy to explain why i’m so sad and so hopeless to the one person who actually cares enough to listen to me. he wants to help, and i wish i could ask him for help, but there are some things i’m so ashamed of i can’t even tell him, and sometimes i get so tired of hearing the same reassurances about how things will be okay.

feeling actual heartbreak realizing that the only real friend you had, and the only person who gave a shit about you without being related to you or romantically involved with you, had their s/o fly in from another country to visit for the first time, and they didn't even send you a text. when is a friendship considered dead?

is this what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life? barely being able to do normal household chores, let alone work a full time job or even finish my fucking high school degree? will i ever feel like life is worth living, or do i have to constantly struggle to stay alive for everyone but me? will i ever be able to afford to move out in this stupid fucking city? will i ever have friends who understand what i'm going through?

i hate myself for not being able to keep the only job i've ever loved. i don't know if it's fair to hate myself for it, because maybe it's not my fault that i keep having to call in sick, but i can't help but feel like i'm just lazy, and i can't push myself. because that's what it comes down to. could i physically survive going to work for 9.5 hours? yeah, i could. do i call in sick anyways because i feel like shit? yeah, and i hate it. why can't i force myself to do these things? i'm so tired of being seen as flaky, and unreliable. i want to be able to go in to work even when i feel awful. it's like i can't stop myself from calling in the moment i start feeling bad. even though i have a maxxed out credit card to pay off, and two cats to take care of, and almost $10,000 in other personal debt, i can't motivate myself to just go to fucking work. it's like i physically cannot convince myself it's worth it to go in.

the anger i feel over my inability to function like a normal member of society is so fucking strong. i got blamed for not being able to do things my entire life, only to learn that i physically could not do those things because i'm sick. no one warns you about the trauma that a chronic illness/disability can cause, especially when you don't get diagnosed until your body physically starts failing. should i be able to do more? should i be able to push through and not call in sick to work all the time? who's fault is it that i can't be an adult? who's fault is it that i went so many years thinking that i wasn't trying hard enough, even though i was trying as hard as i could? do i deserve to be on disability benefits? do i deserve to call myself disabled? will anyone ever really understand the exhaustion i deal with every day? will anyone ever be able to help me, or am i stuck in this constant state of limbo for the rest of my life? why is it not acceptable for me to choose to not continue with my life when it's like this? why is it always "we'll get through this" and not "it's okay to not want to get through this"? when do i get to give up?

sometimes it feels like genuine agony to think about all the ways chronic illness is tearing my life apart. i feel absolutely unable to do anything, yet at the same time i feel like i'm not ill enough to justify the way i act and the things i do. no one tells you when you get diagnosed with a chronic illness how lonely and terrifying it is. i wish i knew how other people could help me, but i don't even know how to help myself, and i don't think i deserve help most of the time. i'm so tired, and so alone. the thought of living the rest of my natural life like this is awful, but i know i can't die because of how much it'll hurt the people around me, and i'm too afraid to fail.