StaticOnYourMind

you just dident care enough. too late,.. hope you notice before i slip away.

Ive tried to end my life 3 times.  each time i ended up in the hospital. the last time my heart stopped.  and people ask me why dont i just be happy.  why dont i just not live in the past.  people who have scars too say the same thing. yet they just dont get it. its not something you can just change.  i dont know how people change in 2 days.  one day they love you. and the next your nothing to them. they barely talk to you and make it like a chore. when you used to be their everything. and now your nothing to anyone.   funeral after funeral ive been too and each one worse than the last.  im going no where and im scared.  i only text you so much because just not. at that moment. i dont trust my self alone. but if its too much i wont. and i just am not ok anymore.  i dont even remember what its like to be ok. im glad things are better for others. but for me.  im trying my best. but no one seems to notice. they only want me around for them. and the second i need someone they dont care. so here i am again. i dont know what to say anymore. i though everything was gonna be ok. but people change. even the ones who say they dont.  so if i dont text you.  if i dont reply.  im sorry.  but i really needed a friend. i needed you. someone to tell me that someone loved me. everyone who ever did. there gone. parents. family. its just me. ive got nothing left. and im so tired of hurting. im so tired. everything was ok. and now its not.  i just wanted you to love me while i fix myself. i did not need you to fix me. i am sorry. people just dont understand anymore. sometimes life is just empty.  you can say you will be ok. and you might be for a bit. but it always gets bad again. eventually. so you just live untill it does and pray you have someone who stays with you through it. because right now.  i feel like i have no one.  im just a burden. and to be honest. i want to dissapear. i really dont want to be here anymore. why cant anyone understand that. ive got nothing left. please.  prove me wrong. i want a reason to stay. but with nothing i have none. this is me opening up. the pain. lies and saddness. its me. and no one will love me for it. im just worthless. a mistake.  they always say they will be there. friends. lovers. and they never are. ill be ok i say.   and i truly hope one day i am. but i cant lie.   there might be one day. when im alone. and the light just goes out. its not really something you plan. but i cant lie. im at that point. no life. im just a chore to most and i dont want attention.  ive got everything i need. a home, a car, a job, im ok there. but there material. i wanted someone. Someone who would stay. not change. someone to just love me while i fix myself. because i really want a future, sometimes i want to grow old. to live.  but nights like this.  sometimes its all too easy to dissapear. sometimes i think it would make things easier for most and end this pain. im fighting a battle and i dont want to do this alone. but you can never force someone to stay if they want to go. so. here i go. saying i love you and its your choice. but understand. i was only trying to fix myself. not expecting you to.   its just nice. knowing your not alone.  but its ok.  ill be ok. one way or another. im always ok. ive come to terms with who i am. and what i might do. because sometimes its too much. and you just cant control it. in that moment nothing matters except escape. to give up. and im loosing myself. so i wish you all the best.  and i really hope things get better again. for me and you.

I'm getting drunk tonight. Very drunk. They I'm going to kill myself. If I have. Goodbye. Other wise this fucking coward will post in 3 days. Goodbye... To those who even noticed. I'm too far gone as it is. It's time.