auden

Frank Longbottom was trying unsuccessfully to explain rules to Fabian and Gideon Prewett, which was impossible because the twins kept deliberately misunderstanding everything.

“So we’re allowed to tackle?” Fabian asked.

“No.”

“But emotionally?”

“Yes,” Frank admitted.

“Excellent.”

Peter Pettigrew was already hiding behind Remus Lupin like a man awaiting execution.

“I hate combined lessons,” Peter muttered.

“You hate all lessons,” Remus replied.

“Correct.”

Near the opposite side of the field, Regulus Black stood with his arms folded while Barty leaned dramatically against his shoulder like a Victorian widow.

“This game is idiotic,” Regulus said.

“Your team’s losing,” Sirius Black called instantly from across the pitch.

Regulus looked over slowly.

“Your face looks inbred.”

“Your whole family is inbred.”

“That’s literally your family too.”

Sirius opened his mouth.

Paused.

“...Fuck.”

James collapsed onto him laughing.

“That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen you lose an argument.”

“I panicked.”

“That was obvious.”

Lily Evans rubbed both hands down her face.

“This is why teachers drink.”

Alice Fortescue snorted loudly.

Marlene McKinnon was already taking this entire thing far too seriously, sleeves rolled up like she was preparing for war.

“Right,” she announced. “No mercy.”

“McKinnon,” Gideon said, sounding genuinely alarmed, “it’s beanbags.”

“War has evolved.”

The game itself had started relatively normally.

That lasted maybe three minutes.

After that it became increasingly impossible to tell what the actual rules were supposed to be.

People cheated openly.

James kept dramatically throwing himself to the floor claiming assault anytime someone touched him.

Barty kept inventing fake penalties.

Pandora somehow acquired a referee whistle and began blowing it at random intervals.

Sirius and Fabian attempted to climb each other at one point for reasons nobody understood.

Dorcas tackled Marlene so hard both of them rolled halfway down the pitch shrieking.

Madam Hooch looked seconds from resignation.

And in the middle of all of it—

Regulus Black was winning.

Which made James Potter deeply, personally offended.

“This is rigged,” James declared, hands on hips.

“You’re just bad at this,” Regulus replied coolly.

“I’m athletic.”

“You ran into your own teammate ten minutes ago.”

“That was tactical.”

“It was Peter.”

Peter looked genuinely touched.

“Thanks, James.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You called him collateral damage,” Remus reminded him.

Peter’s expression fell immediately.

“Oh yeah.”

Another round started.

Teams spread out again through the pitch chaos while shouting echoed across the grounds.

Regulus ended up near one of the markers, bent forward slightly as he reached down to grab one of the game pieces near his feet.

And James—

James saw it happen.

Saw Regulus bent over.

Saw the opportunity.

Did not think.

Not even a little bit.

His brain produced one singular catastrophic impulse and immediately committed to it.

SMACK.

The sound cracked across the field.

The entire world stopped.

Every single person froze.

James’ own hand remained suspended in the air afterward like his body had not yet caught up to what he’d just done.

Regulus whipped upright so fast it was honestly frightening.

There was a full second where he simply stared.

James stared back.

Barty inhaled violently.

“Oh my fucking god.”

“You did not just do that,” Dorcas whispered.

Sirius made a strangled choking noise.

And then Regulus moved entirely on instinct.

WHACK.

His hand collided directly with James’ face so hard James’ head snapped sideways.

The sound echoed.

James stumbled dramatically.

Everyone screamed at once.

“OH SHIT—”

“REGULUS—”

“POTTER—”

“HE HIT HIM—”

“YOU SMACKED HIS ARSE—”

“I DIDN’T THINK—”

“CLEARLY,” Lily yelled.

James whipped back around, eyes wide and face red.

Regulus looked absolutely murderous.

“You absolute fucking dickhead—”

“You hit really hard,” James blurted.

That somehow made Regulus angrier.

“YOU SMACKED MY ARSE.”

“I KNOW.”

“WHY?”

“I DON’T KNOW.”

“You don’t KNOW?”

“It looked funny at the time!”

Regulus made an incoherent furious noise and lunged.

James yelped and bolted instantly.

The entire field erupted.

“RUN POTTER,” Fabian screamed.

“Oh he’s dead,” Gideon said gleefully.

Regulus tore after James across the pitch at terrifying speed.

“You absolute PRICK—”

“I SAID SORRY.”

“NO YOU DIDN’T.”

“I WAS GOING TO.”

“YOU LAUGHED.”

“ONLY A LITTLE.”

Regulus nearly caught him.

James swerved away with a startled scream.

“Oh my god this is doing things to me,” James shouted in pure panic.

Regulus looked ready to commit homicide.

“You are INSANE.”

“You’re really pretty when you’re angry!”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

Regulus sped up immediately like a hunting animal locking onto prey.

“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.”

“I DON’T KNOW,” James yelled helplessly while sprinting for his life. “BUT YOU LOOK HOT.”

“STOP TALKING.”

“YOU’RE VERY VIOLENT.”

“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.”

“SEE?” James shouted wildly. “THAT.”

Sirius was folded over laughing so hard he physically could not breathe.

“That’s my brother,” he wheezed.

“Your brother’s feral,” Remus replied.

“Yeah ❤️”

“Don’t fucking heart symbol at me verbally.”

Regulus finally caught the back of James’ shirt.

James screamed.

Regulus screamed louder.

They both went crashing violently into the grass.

The impact sent them rolling across the pitch in a tangle of limbs, shouting, swearing, and utter chaos.

“GET OFF ME—”

“YOU TOUCHED MY ARSE—”

“IT WAS ONE TIME.”

“ONE TIME TOO MANY.”

Regulus tried to throttle him immediately.

James grabbed Regulus by the hips on instinct trying to stop him climbing fully onto his chest.

Unfortunately that only made things worse.

“DON’T GRAB ME.”

“I’M TRYING NOT TO DIE.”

“GOOD.”

They rolled again.

James managed to half-flip them before Regulus shoved him sideways into the dirt.

Both of them were red-faced and breathless and yelling directly into each other’s faces now.

“You are genuinely insane,” Regulus snapped.

“You slapped me so hard my ancestors felt it.”

“You deserved worse.”

“Probably.”

Regulus blinked.

That was not the response he expected.

James looked up at him from the ground with wild hair, dirt on his face, and the most dangerously entertained grin Regulus had ever seen.

“Oh, this is bad,” Remus murmured from nearby.

“Potter’s gone,” Lily sighed.

“He’s fallen,” Mary agreed solemnly.

“Tragic.”

James was still holding Regulus by the waist now mostly because every time he let go Regulus attempted murder again.

“You are completely mental,” James informed him.

“You smacked me!”

“I know, but then you got all violent and scary.”

Regulus stared at him.

James stared back.

“You’re staring,” Regulus accused.

“You’re sitting on me.”

“That’s because I’m trying to kill you.”

“Fair.”

Regulus looked deeply offended by how unbothered he sounded.

“You’re not taking this seriously.”

“You tackled me like an angry little wolf.”

“ANGRY LITTLE—”

Regulus lunged again.

James laughed so hard he nearly died.

“Oh my god, there it is again—”

“I HATE YOU.”

“No you don’t.”

“I absolutely do.”

“You’re still sitting in my lap.”

Regulus froze.

Everyone around them froze too.

Slowly—

Very slowly—

Regulus looked down.

James still had both hands locked around his hips from trying to stop himself getting strangled.

Regulus was very much half in James’ lap.

Silence.

Then Barty absolutely lost it.

A horrifying shriek-laugh tore out of him while he collapsed to the floor kicking his legs.

“OH MY GOD.”

Pandora was crying.

Marlene physically fell over sideways laughing.

Even Dorcas had both hands over her mouth trying not to crack.

James looked unbearably smug now.

Regulus looked like he wanted the earth to open and consume him.

“You,” Regulus said with terrifying calm, “are never speaking again.”

“Counterpoint,” James replied immediately, grinning up at him, “you’re fit.”

Regulus made another furious incoherent sound and shoved both hands directly into James’ face.

The pitch dissolved into screaming again.

Madam Hooch blew her whistle so violently it sounded like an incoming train.

“ENOUGH.”

Nobody listened.

“ENOUGH.”

James was still laughing beneath Regulus while Regulus attempted to smother him.

“BLACK.”

“HE STARTED IT.”

“YOU HIT HIM.”

“HE SMACKED MY ARSE.”