Star's Thoughts

Could it possibly be right

When it felt so wrong?

When It felt so right

It starts to rain

I’ve always loved the rain.

I am stricken with the sense

That no one quite knows you

Maybe it’s the way the light

From that permanently plastered smile

Never seems to make it to your eyes

I can feel them begging

For a little understanding

While your favorite words

Push against your lips

Waiting to tumble out at any

Given opportunity

“I’m fine.”

I turn my back for a moment

And the girls surround you

Like a pack of wolves

And that’s what you live for, I’m sure

But really,

It’s never done a damn thing for you,

Has it?

They never get you

Not the way you know I want to.

I’ve always loved the rain.

When you are happy, you can dance in it

and have the time of your life.

“I never understood it” I say

“Why everyone is so afraid of a little rain.”

And I drag you by the hand

Out into the downpour

I pull and tug but it doesn’t take much

You know you needed to

As much as I do.

We jump around like children

As if no one ever told us

How to grow up

You spin me into your chest

Bending over in laughter

Dancing to nothing but the sound of it

And for a moment, it’s just you and I

And for a moment, nothing else matters

Everyone disappears

And everything is finally fine

For a moment I’m sure

We could save each other

Just for a moment.

But I’m broken

Broken like that smile you seamlessly wear

I’ve always loved the rain.

When you are sad, you can cry in it and no one

will ever find out.

I feel myself pull away from you

What if I’m wrong?

What if I’m so broken

That I can’t see you clearly?

Broken like the heart in my chest

Broken like my back from the stress

Broken like I’m hunched over the floor

Never going to finish cleaning this mess

Your face is shadowed and lonely

But I’m broken

And no one could ever hold me tight enough

To keep the pieces in place

To keep this anxiety from bubbling up

I feel my feet stumbling away

Still reaching for you with my eyes

But now I’m running

Then sprinting

And I’ll just go act as I’ve always behaved

And I’ll just go dig my own rotten grave

I’m fine.

I’m always fine.

I’ve always loved the pain.

I mean,

I’ve always loved the rain.

Sometimes I wish you didn’t change up on me. Sometimes I remember the pieces of you that you stripped from yourself along the way and I miss them. And sometimes I wonder if instead of changing, you were just revealing your true nature.

I think that’s what’s the most terrifying about being wrong about someone. It’s how sure you can be about something and still be dead wrong. It makes you question your judgement. It makes you question everything.

Your hair is gelled and combed

My head rests on your plain white T

I breathe in the synergy

Of expensive cologne

And strong arms wrapped around me

It's been two dates

And you've outdone him

In every possible way

From the warm compliments

To the way you watch me

Race around the kitchen

And you grab my waist

Pulling me in for a slow kiss

But do I have the heart to tell you

That none of these things could prepare you

Nevertheless myself

For the baggage my heart has been dealt?

It's been three dates

And the words pour out of my mouth

As if each thought in my head

That he always said he didn't get

Was meant for your ears.

I pause to soak in the silence

My foots not tapping

My fingers aren't drumming

For the first time, I've been relieved

I flashback to the nights

That mysteriously turned into daylight

As I struggled for even breathing

And to slow my heart beating

When his mysteries flooded my body

So often with anxiety

That I forgot what it was like

To feel safe.

It's now date four

Your lips are soft and smooth

They lightly press against my forehead

But I can still feel the scratch

From his rebelling mustache

The territorial bites on my neck

The taste of my blood lingering on my lip

Your hands appreciatively trace my body

But I can only feel his rough fingertips

Digging into the dimples of my hips

Throwing me to the bed.

We don't talk about our past

Because if I ask

You might ask

I don't want to feel him

Don't want to see him

And if I explain him

I'm sure you'd see the hallow shadows

in the depths of my eyes

Where the love used to reside

You'd see the missing part of me

That I let him take from me

You'd run for cover

There's no room for a new lover

But I'm praying one day

you'll erase his face

And I will finally

Let myself leave this place

Say goodbye to the ghosts

That I turned into homes

From the tornado of his grip

That just won't let go

But you turn screaming in the rain

To a subtle glimmer of hope

Your hair is gelled and combed.

Our song sounds a lot

Like a funeral anthem these days

And each time I quiet my mind

I find it ringing in the backspace

Of this one track mind

Of mine.

You push me to the edge

Then sing me sad song lyrics

You wrap them in pale green boxes

Then beg me not to hear it

I let them twist in my sheets

They sink deep.

Your heart's beating for one more chance

To watch me cry at night

You draw your hand crafted sword

Just to lay at my feet and refuse to fight

For me to end my own heart racing

Patiently waiting

You burned down every picture

Then hide the ashes under your bed

You say there's no stab wound

But flinch when I graze your chest

I nearly murdered you, you'll never forget

This funeral anthem

You broke my trust and I'm not okay You broke me down you broke everything I got to get up but not today So baby why don't you walk away It's hard to believe you'd lie to me I gave you my all, gave you everything Got to leave now but can't feel a thing So I need you to walk for me

I’m just not ready to be happy I’m not really in the mood Black tears fresh on my cheeks Closing my eyes, I can still feel you

Don’t want to forget your laugh As you pull me in closer to you I bury my face in your neck The smell of clean linen and winter blue

I’m clinging to the way you looked at me As if we were the only two in the room Oh the seriousness in your eyes Telling me nothing else mattered to you

I’m not even trying to force a smile Or move on to something new Not guna pick myself up just yet I’m not ready to get over you

Where do you draw the line Between fear and intuition? Between guarded and victim? Between blissful adventure And life threatening ignorance?

I’m caught between The beauty in vulnerability And losing every intangible possession To the wrath of a careless man.

The trouble is I’ve already tripped… The wind is rushing through my fingertips Invading each secret, every crevice Whipping strands of hair against my cheeks As if the most foolish thing I could ever do Was fall for someone like you.

I can almost hear your light laughter As you see me crashing to my knees Nodding approvingly Isn’t that where you always Thought I ought to be?

I hold my head high But I can feel your heavy gaze seeing Right through my tarnished philosophy I’m no match for you

I’ll drown in beautiful words for hours And the moment I’m below sea level You’ll never speak that way again You’ll never again balance me Between fear and intuition.

Don’t you fall Because I won’t catch you Arms wide open Eyes laser focused.

Don’t you miss me? Isn’t your bed lonely? It’s cold and broken Like every word I’ve spoken.

Don’t you cry Because I won’t hear you I drown in the sound Of my own voice somehow.

Don’t you want me? Why haven’t you called me? I live to watch you crawl But babe I told you not to fall.

I burned the corners of your pictures But it’s a movie burned into my head I erased all the texts I memorized Moved back to the city that I left You’re laughing from the passenger seat Still see you on the edge of my bed I tried to leave you and red wine behind But I loved you more instead.

I won’t dance at those clubs anymore I even made brand new friends You’re stuck in me like a damn disease And I’m tired of being sick with regret I still feel the way you looked at me When you said we could still be friends I tried to leave you and red wine behind But I loved you more instead.