Stand-up Rick

Yeah that's right I'm a stand-up guy now. I'm a comedian now Morty. I have to show these *buuuurpp* fucking- lame guys how it's really done. Double feature, comedy and science, they're hand in hand Morty. You know, the universe *burp* the universe has a lot of jokes Morty. The universe is very funny. One day you're in your garage, and an alternate version of you comes and kills your wife and daughter Morty. Isn't that fucking- *burp* fucking funny. Can't wait to hear what those idiots in the audience have to throw at me. Jesus, I'm already regretting this.

Alright, let's give these animals some *buuurp* rules.

If you’re gonna ask a question, make it interesting. I don't do 'What's your favorite color'. I’m a fucking *burp* scientist. Ask me about the Orgy Friday Planet.

You can try to roast me, but remember who has a Neutrino Bomb up his ass.

Don't ask me to 'do the voice.' I'm doing the voice right now. This is my voice.

- @stick-rick

Rick taps the mic, making a loud, piercing feedback noise. He squints at the back of the room.

"Oh, look at this. We’ve got a real high-budget guest in the back row. Give it up for Stick Rick, everyone! Yeah, real impressive. What *burp* happened, buddy? Did your universe run out of Z-axis? Did you g-g-get flattened by the weight of your own hacky concept?"

He takes a long swig from his flask and wipes his mouth with his lab coat sleeve.

"You want a joke? Here’s a joke for you. What’s the difference between Stick Rick and a regular Rick? *Buuurp* O-one of them is a multi-dimensional genius with god-like power... and the other one can be defeated by a standard Eberhard Faber number two pencil."

Waits for laughs. Total silence.