Squishy Writing

Cardinal’s head rested on her hand while she idly ran her fingertip along the rim of her tea cup, the cup was still warm and she retracted her finger once it became too hot to continue doing so.

“Whats got you down?” a voice broke through her daydreaming and she looked up to see Fabian standing over her with a cloth in his hand- he’d been using it to clean the bar counter top and he now slung it over his shoulder. She sighed, “Can I talk to you about… something?”

Fabian’s attention was fully on her now as he nodded slowly. “Yeah- sure, always” he sounded nervous and she supposed her should be, considering what she was planning to talk to him about, or rather: who.

“So…” she started, looking down at the steam coming from her cup. “- Reed got a bit drunk, a while ago. And he might have said something to me” she bit her lip, it was difficult for her brain to work through the words, let alone to say them.

Fabian seemed even more alert now and he leaned forward, “Whatever he said, he’s a prick and-”

“Fabian, stop its not like that-” she tried

“-and an asshole, and when he’s drunk he says the most stupid fucking things. He didn’t mean it, he was drunk, but I’ll speak to him as soon as I’m done with my shift I-”

He didn’t mean it, he was drunk. “Fabian” she spoke louder this time to get him to shut up but he continued to go on. “Fabian! He said he loved me!” her throat closed up and Fabian went silent. She couldn’t read the look on his face but she watched as he clenched his fists and his knuckles turned white.

“Oh” was all he managed to get out over his own throat closing up. After a pregnant pause of them both refusing to look at the other, Fabian cleared his throat. “What- I mean, how does that make you feel?” she could tell he was struggling, she could tell he was fighting back the hurt that was already starting to show on his face.

“I don’t know” she looked down at her teacup again. “I’ve never felt like this with anyone, and honestly it scares me” she admitted.

“Felt like how?” the words were scratching his throat now as he struggled to speak them, but he had to know.

“Like… this much in love”

Silence. Then a fist banged against a counter. “Well fuck” Fabian strained to not scream, to not do more than bang the counter. He could feel Cardinal’s eyes on him but he ignored it, he ignored everything even as what she said pounded on his brain. He couldn’t. He couldn't’t. It hurt.

“Fabian-” Cardinal softly said his name but he was already leaving.

"Please don't go" - Juicy 

"I'm not sorry" - Juicy 

"Love me, please" - Lonan 

"Please, hold me" - Julian 

"Love me, please" - Juicy 

"You haven't changed" - Feyre 

"Look behind you" - Morrigan 

"Are you crying" - Feyre 

"For fuck's sake!” - Cardinal 

"Are you lying?" - Cardinal 

“I saw it you know, I saw when you stopped loving me.” - Fabian 

“Just hold me, please?” - Cardi 

“Please don’t go.” - Julian 

"Would you um..Maybe like to..Go out on a date with me?" - Lonan 

Her lip quivered as her mother tore apart the valentines note she got. It was a pathetic thing to cry about, she knew, but it was special. She’d received it in class by a boy she’d had a small crush on and she’d been so elated that he thought she was pretty, that he liked her glasses, it’d been excitement she felt when she’d shown her mother the note. And then it’d turned to regret when her mother roared. And it was now that she watched with tears streaming down her face. “mommy... please. He’s nice, he-”

Her mother forcefully shoved her against the wall, cutting off her sentence. “He was lying, Cardinal! Look at you, you really think anybody could ever like you? Love you?” her mother roared with laughter and Cardi held back a flinch when her mother cupped her face with her hands, the gesture forceful and she was certain there’d be a bruise where her mothers fingers pressed on her jaw. “Forget about boys Cardinal. Nobody’s ever going to want you for anything more than a good time and i’m not going to be there for you when you finally learn that”

It was a prison.

Not a real one. There were no bars or cells, no electric fencing or barbed wire. From the outside it looked like a home: white picket fence, swing set in the back. Two children, a father, a mother.

It was a prison, but it looked like heaven.

~

A little girl sat on a dry patch of grass. Her legs folded underneath her as she slowly wove a needle through the torn arm of her stuffed giraffe, Giffery was its name.

She worried her lower lip as she tried carefully to not prick herself. The world was silent. Not a car drove past, not one bird chirped, not even the wind blew. A door slammed somewhere in her house, and she jumped, pricking her finger just as the screaming started.

The girls heart raced as she stood up and made quick work of hiding the giraffe behind some bushes. She managed to run to the swing set Intime for the back door to open. “Hi mommy” she greeted cheerfully as the figure of a woman appeared under the door frame.

Her mother’s green eyes lowered as she ran them over her daughter. Those green eyes so like the child sitting nervously on the swing before her.

“Why are you outside?” the mother asked with a harsh tone. It was an effort for the girl to not flinch.

“You said I can have one-hour playtime a day mommy. I was only swinging” she said innocently. She knew better than to act dumb around her mother. The mother’s eyes lowered some more as she surveyed the fenced in backyard. It was almost like she was waiting for something to pop up.

“You talk to anyone?” the mother asked. And the girl in turn shook her head, “No mommy” she answered. Her mother still didn’t look satisfied and she clenched her jaw. “Come inside Cardinal, an hour is far too long” she retreated into the house, keeping an eye on her daughter to make sure she followed.

The girl slid off the swing, taking as long as she dared. She already felt the lump in the back of her throat and she blinked rapidly. She would not cry. She would not cry.

The mother slammed the door shut behind them and Cardinal blinked her eyes rapidly as they adjusted to the sudden darkness of the house. Her mother remained standing before her, watching the girl closely. There was a dark look on her face as the girl smiled up at her and without a seconds notice, the mothers hand cracked loudly against the side of the girls face.

Cardinal stood still, not daring to show pain, she knew if she cried it would only get worse. If she ran it would get worse. If she moved at all it would get worse. So she stayed as still as she could manage while her mothers hands come down on her again and again. A clenched fist went into her side and it was all she could to keep looking straight, to not gasp for air or whimper.

Her ears buzzed and she saw her mothers lips move but no words came out, dark spots formed across her eyes but she blinked them away and repeated the mantra in her head, she would not cry.

And then it stopped.

She blinked rapidly. Her mother was gone. Her sheets were wet. And the world was silent.

The girl had a few seconds to hoping it was just a dream. To hope that maybe she had died. But in the small second, a voice drifted down the hall and she knew, with a heart-breaking sense, that she was not so lucky.

~