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I’m still struggling to pull myself out of the dark hole I’ve fallen in. But I guess it’s an improvement that the suicidal thoughts are only passive when they flutter across my mind rather than the very actively suicidal thoughts I had last year.

So much has happened that there was no way I could have ever mentally or emotionally prepared for it all. Most people don’t even know the extent of how much really happened. I lost myself and I don’t know how to find myself again. I’ve tried, but this me I have now is just a shadow of a person.

I had been struggling with heartbreak and a resurgence of struggling with my mental health when my brother died. I was in a shock, and a daze. I drank a lot because I couldn’t handle the numbness I felt. And while I was still struggling, barely even talked about the death to anyone, something happened that fractured a part of me so deeply that I’m not sure I’ll ever be who I was before. I didn’t even realize how badly it hurt me for months, because I had to keep denying it. I had to sugar coat it for myself because I couldn’t mentally handle it.

I’ve been trying to speak about it more now. Trying to say it over and over, out loud, for what it was in attempts to heal. The first night I opened up about my brothers death I was raped. I thought I was safe with someone I trusted, so I opened up and was vulnerable. And in return I was raped in my sleep by someone I loved. I tried to explain it away for months that he wasn’t really fully awake. But I know it was a weak excuse. One I can’t stand anymore. I know there was no way he could’ve been asleep to do what he did to me. I’ve accepted that now.

Now I feel anger.

Anger for what he did to me. Anger for how he used me. Anger for how he carries on his life like it’s fine. Anger for how he can be so liked by people when in reality he has become a monster. Anger at myself for the love I had for him. Why him. How could I have loved someone who could do that to me? Was he always this monster but I never realized it? Or has he just changed and twisted into this wreck he is now?