I'm scared that I'm a burden to the people around me, the people that I love. Have you ever felt the same? How do you deal with it?
Short answer is - boy have I ever (and still do occasionally!)
After the āfoil, there were months where I couldn't do the things I'd always done without thinking. I needed help just to sit up, I was in a load of pain and I was angry all the time. Not a small number of times, that ended up being channeled at the people trying to help me - my family, mostly. Iād spit fire at them because I just didnāt know what to do with everything I felt, especially the shame of feeling like a burden to them. Yāknow, theyāre trying to run IR, and there I was, stuck in a bed.
And every time one of them helped me or changed their plans because of me, there was this little voice in the back of my head saying āyouāre making life so much harder for everyoneā.
But the thing is, fear has a way of taking something true and twisting it into something cruel.
Were people helping me? Yes.
Did they worry about me? Absolutely.
Did they have to change plans because of me? Yes.
Was it difficult for them at times? Of course.
Was I making life harder? No. The situation made everyoneās lives more complicated. Not me.
Did that make me a burden on them? Of course it didnāt. Because there's a difference between being a burden and being someone who needs support.
Burden implies itās something unwanted. If one of my siblings gets hurt on a mission, I don't sit there thinking, wow, what an inconvenience this is, I canāt believe theyāre making me worry about them. I help because I love them. Same with anyone I care about. Even if it takes time or effort, even if it might be difficult. Iāll happily take the weight because I would do anything to make sure they werenāt going through something alone.
Soā¦ why would I assume the people who love me see me differently? Why would they not want to help?
That doesn't mean the fear disappears overnight, yāknow. Sometimes it still sneaks up on me, especially on bad migraine days, or when I was back in a neck brace and we were trying to get clues to what happened to Dad and I could do jack shit.
When that happens, I try to ask myself a question:
"If someone I loved came to me with this exact problem, would I think they were a burden?"
The answer is always no, because Iāve never thought of any of them as a burden. I like āem just how they are, and Iād just be grateful they trusted me to try and help..
The people who love you, really love you, aren't keeping score. They're not secretly counting all the ways you've made their lives harder or cost them something. They're choosing to be there because you matter to them. And that might seem difficult when you maybe donāt like yourself a whole bunch in that moment, but itās not difficult when you think of what youād want to do for them if the shoe was on the other foot.
Yāknow, sometimes the bravest thing you can do isn't rescuing someone else. Sometimes it's trusting that you're worth staying for when you're the one asking for that help.
And hey, lastly - donāt judge yourself by what you need on your hardest days. Judge yourself by the same kindness you'd give someone you love on your best days š«¶š»
