In Light of Eternity

It’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post haha. The last one was earlier this year in February whaaaat crazy!! So much has happened and changed since then. I graduated college with a BA in Sociology and Education Sciences. I got a full-time internship as a Human Resources Coordinator at UCI. I transitioned to our adult ministry at Berean. I traveled to Seattle with my family. These are just a few of the big things that have happened so far. 

For almost all of senior year, I knew I wanted to try my best so stay in SoCal after I graduated. After 4 years of being down here, I concluded that I love OC. I love Berean and the amazing community of believers that I found here. I love the weather that stayed pretty consistent despite the changing of the seasons. I love how God sovereignly used my time here to bring me to Him and to teach me what it looks like to live a life by faith for His glory. So I tried my very best to pray, to let God know the desires of my heart but to also ask that He would help me to be content no matter where He places me. I prayed that God would help me to be faithful on my end, to apply and interview the best that I could and to persevere even when it was discouraging and hopeless because I couldn’t find anything. When my internship at UCI got extended until the end of September when it was originally set to be end of August, when a career position as an HR Coordinator opened up and my boss encouraged me to apply for it, it just seemed like God was truly answering my prayers and giving me opportunities to stay down here. It was exciting, and I had hope.

Then at the end of July, I went on a trip to Seattle with my immediate family and my dad’s extended family. I knew going into the trip that I wanted to be a light to family (where my parents are the only people I am confident are believers) and to share the gospel with my cousins. So I prepared and I asked for boldness to seize any opportunity God gave me. But as I was preparing to share with the older cousins around my age, God gave me an opportunity to share with the person I least expected to: my 9-year old baby cousin. It humbled me to see that yes, preparation by knowing the word and being ready to make a defense for the gospel is important, but at the same time there is only so much I can humanly do because I am only called to plant the seed. It is God who decides whether it grows or not. 

After that trip, my family was on my heart a lot. God has been very gracious to grow my heart for the lost these past couple years, and more particularly for my loved ones, these past couple years because I had been praying that I would understand His pursuit after broken sinners. For the first time, I felt torn. Half of me wanted to go home and half of me wanted to stay here. It felt like no matter what I chose, I knew I would lose something. Yet there was no right or wrong decision. For me to go home to pursue and minister to the lost is pleasing in His eyes. For me to stay here to continue to build up and serve the church is pleasing in His eyes. But I had so much fear. I had fears of not being realistic with myself, fears of wasting my time, fears of choosing something that isn’t worth it because of how much I would lose in comparison, fears of acting selfishly, fears of losing great opportunities, fears of disappointing myself, others, and God - you name it, I probably had a fear of it LOL. My tendency is to overthink, to overcomplicate, to consider every possible scenario that could play out. I was searching for someone to make the decision for me. But I had to ask that God would help me to make a clear decision, that He would give me the strength to stand firm in whatever decision I make and that He would bless it, that His will may be done.

A couple days ago, a brother and I were carpooling to a hangout with friends. He had asked me about my job situation and if I knew where I was gonna end up yet (as have many people ever since I graduated hahaha), so I shared with him all these things that were running through my mind. He asked me various questions about both decisions, and in the end said, “Sam, you can’t look at it from the perspective of what is the better choice. Both are good, and it’s almost impossible to discern which one is going to be better.” And I knew he was right. I knew I was trying to figure out which decision was the best one without me losing too much, and that’s why the choice was so hard. Unless my family and all my loved ones moved to SoCal, I can’t have both. He then had a follow up question, “The question you need to ask is which decision are you going to regret more in the long run?” And right when he asked that, I started crying. I cried and cried and I couldn’t stop. I think I shocked him and freaked him out, so he pulled over. For the first time in this past month of wrestling, the decision was suddenly so clear. But I told him I’m scared. I’m so scared of letting go of all the good things that God has given to me here, and it’s hard, it’s so hard. (MAN I AM CRYING AND SHAKING AS I TYPE THIS OUT LOL UGH.) God has given me so much in my time here in SoCal, at Berean. He has given blessing upon blessing through the amazing leaders and all the sisters and brothers who have invested so much into me and my life. But I knew the answer to that question in a heartbeat. As great as these things are, I knew I would regret not taking hold of my convictions and sharing with my family and friends the greatest news I have ever heard, especially with the knowledge that Christ could return at any moment. 

Earlier last week, my grandpa had a heart attack. He’s 87 years old and he definitely could’ve died. But God was merciful and gracious. He spared him, and gave my family more time with him. God was faithful to answer my prayer, not necessarily that He would heal my grandpa, but that He would reveal Himself to him so that he may know the truth. My grandpa’s brush with death was a wake up call. Our time here on this earth is so incredibly short. Going through Revelation for bible study assured me of that. I know it is not wrong or sinful of me to desire to stay in SoCal. But I felt the Holy Spirit within me tuning my heart to follow after the Lord. I wanted to submit and go. 

I know that just because I have these convictions, it doesn’t mean I will be a perfect evangelist every single day I am. I literally just came to this decision Sunday evening, so I have no plan for anything as of yet. But working off the things I do know, Romans 8:26-28 assures me that He will faithfully provide exactly what I need when I’m home. That He has already equipped me with His word; that He has given me more time to be a steward of because I won’t have a job when I go back; that He will provide a church that I can receive sound teaching from and hopefully a community that will keep me accountable and that I can serve and pour into. I know that it also doesn’t mean they will become saved during my time there. But my prayer is that whether my time home is long or short, that the Spirit would empower me to redeem my time there. To plant seeds by sharing the gospel, but also even more so to live a life that is worthy of this calling as I show them the love of Christ.

I’m not going to lie, it is so bittersweet and almost surreal that this is what I’ve decided. I cry every time I share with people because it is so overwhelming. But as I reflect on Romans 15:20-21, I am all the more at peace with going home. As each day passes, I know I have to pray and fight hard to remember why I made this decision and what my purpose is because it’s going to be that much easier for doubt to overwhelm me and say “are you sure this is what you want to do?” But as much as I feel like I am sacrificing, I also know it isn’t much in comparison to the immense treasure I have received in Christ. He is far better than anything this world has to offer, and because of that, it is a joy and an honor to serve my King (Philippians 3:7-9).

“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. The weight is too much. The burden is too heavy.”

“You can’t, but I can. I can carry all your burdens if you would just lay them down before me. Take my yoke, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

Sometimes the struggles and the sufferings we go through in this life feel like they are just too much to bear. But they are only too much to bear when we are trying to carry them on our own strength, our own will. How could we think that the God of the universe who upholds the whole world in His hands is not enough? 

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

HIS grace is sufficient. HIS power is made perfect. Not my grace. Not my power. In the weakness of my flesh, I will fail every time. If my battle is not “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12),” then I need supernatural power and strength to fight. I will boast in my weaknesses all the more because when I am weak, then I am strong in Christ’s power completed in me. 

Taking up one’s cross to actively choose Christ is difficult. Actually sometimes it feels beyond just difficult; sometimes it feels impossible. Of course thinking things are impossible is going to lead to feelings of being trapped and in despair. We could just leave it at that and throw ourselves a pity party. But I am reminded of the greater picture when I think of Paul in chapter 4 of Philippians. Despite Paul’s situation in being in prison and lacking money and resources, he rejoiced because he remembers that God provides. The Philippians had remembered Paul and were concerned for him but had no opportunity to help him. But he says, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content, I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me,” (Philippians 4.11-13). 

Every time I struggle with feeling like I am faced with the impossible, this passage rebukes me because I realize it goes back to being discontent in the situation God has placed me in. All things are possible through Christ who is our strength, not because we are enabled then to do anything we want, but because there is nothing barring us from experiencing all of God’s promises to us when we are content that He is enough.

Today is the first day of 2018.

It’s hard to believe that 2017 passed by in what seems like the blink of an eye. I still remember counting down to the new year with my family and telling myself I couldn’t believe it was already 2017. 

So much has happened in this past year. I served on my first year in core and rides team, my two worlds collided when my best friend from home came and met my best friends from SoCal, I got a Disney pass, I got really sick (again), I performed for senior banquet, I went to Alaska, I got a car, I stayed in Irvine for a majority of the summer, I went on many LA adventures, I went on a class trip to Mexico, I went to my first weddings where I actually knew the bride and groom intimately, I experienced heartbreak, I became a small group leader for CCM, I finished my first year of working on campus, I started serving in nursery, I got two black toes and a bum knee from basketball, I turned 21, I got to experience the awesome wonder of growing intimate with God...and these memories are just to name a few of the crazy events from 2017. 

If there was one thing I could say I learned from this past year, it’s that I am weak and God is faithful. Over and over again, He has proven Himself to be gracious, merciful, compassionate, kind, loving, and true. This past year has undoubtedly been filled with many trials, yet through all of them, God has sustained me and given me the strength to endure. His Holy Spirit has given me a right understanding of what it means to seek God for who He is and not simply because of the things He can offer. This past year taught me that I need to fight. My battle against the spiritual forces of this world does not entail me passively waiting for God to reach into my heart and draw me to Him. Although it is true that He is the only one who can soften a hardened heart and give understanding and knowledge of who He is, this battle means I must fight and fight hard to shed the weights and the sins that cling so closely to me so that I can find joy in my Savior and Lord.

Looking forward into 2018, it is easy to become anxious or to feel overwhelmed because I know that this year will bring about a lot of change. There is much uncertainty in knowing that I am graduating because I don’t know what the future will bring. Yet, I believe it is true that God has new mercies for me every day and He has planned my entire life even before I existed. My wonderful maker and wonderful Father holds my life in His hands. There is no need to feel worried or afraid. Rather, I am excited to behold what God has in store for me and the many ways He will continue to teach me and grow me.

We know the heart is a muscle in the body. The human heart is not actually capable of physically producing love or desire or feelings or any of that which is associated with the heart. It simply pumps blood to sustain us and keep us alive.

And yet, isn’t it strange...? When we are in pain, when we experience overwhelming grief or sadness, when we feel anxious, we seem to physically feel it in our heart. Sometimes when we are aching, the heart feels heavy, like a stone has taken its place and lodged itself in our body, bent on weighing us down. When we are happy, when we experience true joy or excitement, when we feel love being poured out from us or when we receive love, we also feel it deep in our heart, like a flutter or an indescribable warmth.

God so perfectly and intricately designed us in this way in His sovereignty. He designed us to be people who have feelings and desires, and somehow to not just think those things in our mind but to feel them in our heart. But I am also reminded that the heart can be utterly deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Sometimes we can feel things in our heart that we believe to be true because we let ourselves be so guided by our desires. The beauty in all of this is the truth spoken in 1 John 3:19-22, “By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.”

When I was a little kid, you could always find me with my nose in a book. Any fictional book was a book that I could spend hours being lost in. I love all of it. I love the feel of smooth (and even worn) pages between my fingers. I love the smell of new and old books. I love the descriptions. I love the imagination. I love the beautiful prose. I love the characters. I love the journeys, the adventures. I love how books can take me to places I never dreamed of going to. 

It always struck me as crazy admirable how authors could take their readers to the most imaginative fantasy worlds, and even in realistic fiction novels, authors could make readers feel like they were actually there in that world. To be able to express my thoughts and my imaginations through writing and take people to places they’ve never been or even bring people back to places they have, that was my dream. That was always my dream from a young age. Everyone around me wanted to be a doctor or a firefighter or a teacher or a policeman or a CEO. I wanted to be an author. 

There is something about writing that constantly draws me back to it. I’ve always been someone who seems to be better with my words than most. I might be slightly more eloquent or I might know slightly more vocabulary words or I might be slightly better at grammar. But even in speaking, there are often times where my thoughts come too quickly and I trip over my words. They can become easily jumbled, or it takes me a while to figure out how to describe what I want to say out loud. But with writing, it is often a whole different story. Somehow, some way, with writing, everything just comes naturally. I don’t even have to think when I write. Sometimes I stop and pause just to catch a breath. But writing comes to me almost as naturally as breathing. It is the best possible way I can express myself. 

Honestly speaking, there are times where I wished I was better at other things. I wished I excelled more at sports; I wished I excelled at playing instruments or singing; I wished I excelled at art. But why? Because I wish my talent was one that was more easily seen and more easily recognized. It is quite easy to spot someone who is athletic, or someone who is gifted in music, or someone who can understand the depth and the beauty of art. But to me, writing was something that was always more subtle and did not stand out as much. 

But even now I’m realizing God did not gift me with being a good writer because it was for other people. He gifted me with being strong in writing because it is how I can express my deepest thoughts to Him, my deepest desires, and even more so, my deepest prayers. Sometimes it is much easier for me to write out my prayers than to think it in my head or even to say it out loud. Things become jumbled and I am easily distracted. But in writing, I can speak in a never-ending flow with no distractions because it is just me, pen, and paper (or in this case, me, keyboard, and screen). And even through this blog, if my writing has encouraged and challenged even one person, then isn’t that what matters? Because my writing is not for my glory or anyone else’s. It is for His glory and His alone.

It has been a long while since my last post. I told myself I would start blogging more, but for some reason I could never quite bring myself to sit in front of the computer and type. However, lately God has really put it on my heart to write. Life has certainly been more eventful since coming back to Irvine. There were more meet ups, more things to do for church, more spontaneous hang outs, more adventures, more struggles... The list goes on.

Even in this short time of being back, I’ve seen God’s work in my life so absolutely and so clearly. It feels like almost everyday, He opens up my eyes and shows me exactly how much of a sinner I can be. Lately, I’ve seen how I can so easily struggle with the sin of discontentment.

Growing up, I honestly never thought I was anything special. I did alright in school, but I certainly was never one of the smartest people in class. I played piano and sang in choir for a couple years (at separate times), but I didn’t think I was an outstanding singer or piano player. In fact, I quit piano after those couple years because I just didn’t find it enjoyable. As a kid, I used to draw and paint but didn’t take a particular liking to those arts. I also don’t excel at any one sport. I enjoy all kinds of sports but am probably mediocre or just decent at all of them.

College is fun because you meet so many diverse people, but it also makes it hard because it exposes you to so many diverse people who are also SO good at many different things. College (and I suppose life in general) can be a huge trap for comparison. I see that in myself because sometimes it feels like I’m really not good at anything compared to all the things the people around me are good at. But deep down, I know that’s not true. I know that God has gifted me with very special abilities. Knowing that, I ask myself, “Then why are you so discontent?”

The answer is: because I want all the glory. I want all the recognition. I want people to look at me and say, “Wow, you’re SO good at that!” Is that really true though? Could I, for even one second, think that I am deserving of those praises? No. No, no, no, no. Talents and abilities do not just come from us out of nowhere, not even from hours and hours of practice, like we would like to believe. We were molded and shaped by our loving Father, and He is the one that our gifts come from. Therefore, He is the only One who deserves all the glory, all the recognition, and all the praise.

Perhaps my gifts are simply gifts that are not so easily seen outwardly. Perhaps I have gifts that, in my tendency to be hard on myself, I actually may not even see at all. But that doesn’t take away from the truth that God made me this way in His perfect design, and He is using me to minister to each person and to further the glory of His kingdom.

Since I’m not doing much this summer except working, I thought it’s probably a good idea for me to set some goals for myself. I think last summer I was not able to achieve all of them, but it helped me keep myself accountable and at least mindful of what I want to work towards. Summer ‘17, let’s gooooo:

I’ve been wanting to write a new post for a long time, but yeah. I don’t know why I haven’t. There’s always a lot of things on my mind but I never take the time to jot them out in a post.

A little while back, a brother once encouraged me to share this blog with the public aka the Facebook community. My immediate response was heck no. I guess in some sense, I was hoping some people would come to find my blog since I do post a link to it in my Instagram bio, but at the same time, I knew it wouldn’t be very many people because who would care enough to randomly stumble upon it? 

Yet, to my surprise, people have randomly stumbled upon it. And they would message me about how encouraged they were by my posts, but I’m always very doubtful.

I’m the type of person to be really hard on myself. I’m so good at seeing the positive in others, and it’s very easy for me to encourage others through whatever they’re going through. But for some reason when it comes to myself, I have a lot of fear and doubt. I tell myself that I can’t do a lot of things or that I’m not good at this or that or that I shouldn’t even bother trying to do this because I’ll probably fail or I wouldn’t be good at it.

I’ve realized over time though that this is something I need to work on. What does it say about my God if I’m so hard on myself in this way? It’s not about me. To doubt myself is to doubt the way God made me, but hasn’t he created and shaped me in His image? Aren’t I fearfully and wonderfully made by my loving Father in Heaven?

Within this past year alone, many of my flaws and sins have been revealed to me. Because these are flaws that are in my character, they are almost daily revealed and challenged. Not gonna lie, it sucks. A lot. Like I really don’t think there’s anything that sucks more because when your sin is revealed, your pride also gets stripped away at the same time. That’s when I’m like, “God, who even am I. Why do you still love me when I fail you again and again and again like 3108401810 times over.” But every single time, God reminds me of the grace that He has shown me before I was even born, and the grace He continues to show me again and again and again, 3108401810 times over. And He loves me.

When I get wrapped up in my emotions, I drown. They can so easily consume me. But a couple days ago, while I was doing devos, I read this verse and it spoke volumes to me: “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth!” Psalm 46:10.

When I read this verse, it sobered me a million times over. 

When people are drowning in water, their immediate reaction is to flail around and try to keep their head above water so they can breathe. But people forget that in flailing around, that causes them to sink even more and that’s how people end up drowning. That’s me. I’m that person who flails around when my emotions consume me, when I’m hard on myself and I feel crushed under the weight of my sin. But His precious word has reminded me to be still and trust that God will pull me out from under. He has not only removed this sin from me, He has also put this sin to death. Be still and know that He loves me, that He cares for me, that He has forgiven me, that He makes me a new creation each and every day, that He is God. And He is so worthy of all my praise.

Excited. Nervous. Happy. Worried. Confused. Unsure. Joyful.

I’m all these things and more right now. But God is good, and He is far greater than all my fears combined. I trust that His sovereign hand is constantly at work in my life. 

Thank you God for this amazing gift and opportunity to worship and glorify you through my time spent with another. 

Repeat.

God. Is. Greater.

Repeat.

GOD IS GREATER.

Repeat.

GOD. IS. GREATER.

He is greater than my sins. He is greater than my struggles. He is greater than my doubt. He is greater than my hurt. He is greater than my sadness. He is greater than my anger. He is greater than my heart. He is greater than my flesh.

God is greater.

This idea honestly seems so foreign to me at times, especially the times I’m going through a dry season. But today I read Psalm 27 for devos, and even though doing my devos has been pretty hard for a while now, for some reason, today was different. The Holy Spirit truly intercepted and softened my hardened heart to give me understanding. 

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1 

If He is truly Lord of Lords, there is no reason to fear. He has called me to seek His face (v. 8) and my response should be, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” My response should not be doubt. My response should not be fear. My response should not be feeling discouraged or disappointed or frustrated. All that says is I do not believe my God is great. I do not believe my God is all-powerful. 

But He has shown me over and over and over again that He is worthy of all my praise. He is worthy of everything I am and all that I have to offer and more. He overcame sin and death, and He sits on the throne over all creation. 

Hypocrite.

Sometimes that’s who I feel like I am. 

When others are struggling, I try to encourage them with verses and telling them that we are called to find our rest and our refuge in God and persevere. Yet when times get get tough, do I do the same? No. I’m struggling. A lot right now. It’s easy for me to trick myself or push myself into feeling okay. But I can feel it deep inside, the turmoil eating at my heart. It feels heavy, like a rock being thrown into the middle of the ocean and all I can do is stand ashore and watch it sink.

A fake.

Sometimes this is also who I feel like I am. 

As a leader and the only female on core, I honestly put a lot of pressure on myself. I set up these expectations of myself that I believe I should be reaching, but often times I fall very short. I am supposed to be someone who has taken on this role of overseeing the women’s ministry of CCM and yet, it feels like I’m not even doing that. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard sometimes. Who am I honestly to even be called a leader.

Prideful.

Selfish. I am a selfish person. 

I think about myself, I protect myself, I do things for myself, I want the glory for myself. I take pride in my good qualities and the opportunities I have to be at the forefront when really all these things were given, not earned. 

Scarred.

I have wounds that are visible to the naked eye, but I also have many wounds that are invisible. 

Sometimes these scars feel so very much like a part of me that I can’t get away from them. I can’t forget them no matter how much I want to be healed, how much I want to move on. 

Alone.

Being in a crowd of people and still feeling like you are alone... That’s probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

Unfaithful and broken.

God is unchanging. I am changing all the time. He loves me, He gives me grace, He shows me mercy, He strengthens me, He upholds me, He watches over me, He hears me. He is all these things. Meanwhile some days I love Him. Some days I am thankful. Some days I rejoice. Some days I find my rest and my refuge in Him. The next day I doubt Him. The next day I turn away. The next day I rely on my own strength and capabilities. The next day I tell myself I do not need God. How much more unfaithful and broken can I get than that.

A daughter of the Father.

It is true that I am all these things listed above and more. But it is also true that I am a daughter of the God of the universe. The scars on His Son have healed the scars on my heart. The blood of the Lamb has washed me clean and given me new life. The King of kings has opened up a way, that I may run into His eternal fold. God has loved and showed grace upon grace to an unfaithful, broken, doubting, scarred, prideful, fake, hypocrite sinner like me. And this is an eternal truth that Satan can never take away from me. 

20 years ago on October 2, I was born.

Thank you Lord for giving me these 20 years of life. 

Over this past week, I’ve been reflecting on the small and big ways God has worked in my life to make me the person I am today. It truly blows my mind how perfect His timing is, how sovereign His plan for me is. There are no amount of words sufficient enough to even begin to describe how thankful I am.

He has given me an amazing community in college who have been there at my lowest, and who continue to be there through my highs. He has given me sisters who hold me, comfort me, care for me, understand me, pray for me, teach me, and love me. He has given me brothers who lead me, protect me, tease me, challenge me, teach me, and love me. I felt the full weight of God’s love for me through these people He so carefully placed in my life on the eve of my birthday.

Some of my girlfriends took me out to dinner, and then I met up with Elise for dessert. She told me that we would be studying afterwards, and I really did need to study, so I thought nothing of it. When I arrived back at my apartment, I saw the lights off and none of the windows open, so I assumed everyone was either out still or sleeping. However, when I opened the door, all the lights turned on and a bajillion people were in my apartment yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” I was in utter, complete shock. 

For that many people to show up and surprise me, that was one of the last things I ever expected for my birthday. I was touched that so many people were willing to sacrifice time and money just for me.

God is faithful. He is gracious and good. He is almighty. He is sovereign. He is Lord of Lords, the Name above all names. He is Father. He is King.

But who am I that He should even take notice of me? I am a sinner. I screw up, a lot. I rebel. I make myself my own god. Yet God still loved me, enough to send His only Son to die for me. He took my place up on that cross. He sacrificed His life so that I may have life in Him.

But who am I that He should do that? I am now a child of God. I am a saint. I am a light in this world full of sin and darkness. I am made new.

Thank you Lord for giving me these 20 years of life. Challenge me and sanctify me to continue living this life not for myself, but for You and Your Glory.

(Now insert some pictures from my birthday. Thank you to everyone for seriously making it a birthday I will never forget <3)

(Us and our many chins.... HAHA)

(I love this class ^____^)

(Shoutout to my apartment-mates, missing Ivory hehe <3)

It’s been about a week and a half since I got back to Irvine. I just wanted to take some time to reflect on just how blessed I truly am.

I’m thankful for the amazing community I have down here. 

I’m thankful for how knowing Christ has allowed me to form even deeper bonds with people that can never be broken.

I’m thankful for Jen, Jenn, Elissa, Kylie, and Kelly for opening up their apartment to me in the two weeks that I’m homeless.

I’m thankful for a church like Berean that is so dedicated to pointing people to Christ and the gospel.

I’m thankful for the warm weather.

I’m thankful for game nights.

I’m thankful for the yummy food that can only be found in SoCal.

I’m thankful for the opportunities to serve Berean and CCM.

I’m thankful for the moments that make me laugh so I hard I can’t breathe.

Amidst times of struggle and times of confusion and hurt and sadness, it really is important to take a step back and think about all the things I have to be grateful for. Even when God feels far away from me, when I think about all He’s done and continues to do for me, I am reminded that He really isn’t far at all. He is so close. Even the tiniest things can be a huge blessing, and they remind me that my Father in heaven loves me.

He. LOVES. Me. 

And He will never let me go, no matter how hardened my heart is or how stubborn and prideful I am. He loved me when I was the worst of sinners, and He still loves me even when I am the worst of saints. He loves me even when I fail Him.

Spent half my day at one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people. Huge shout out to Raymond for being one of the kindest, most generous people I know :’)

(If you look closely, I have a bird on my head hehehe)

(Before we got so soaked......)

Just a couple pictures from celebrating my birthday with my family since I can’t celebrate with them on the actual day :) I love them for all the love they shower on me and for indulging me by taking me to the Academy of Science (once of my favorite places hehe).

Sometimes that’s what it feels like, like I’m simply floating through life.

Everything feels stagnant; time at a standstill while simultaneously passing by in a blur.

I feel far away. I feel like I’m standing on this island in the middle of the ocean and God is on the other side of the world from me, so far out of reach. There are many simple answers to “fixing” this distance that I can easily list off in my head, but are they really so simple?

Summer is slowly but steadily drawing to a close, my departure from San Francisco is near, responsibilities are weighing heavily, and memories of my past still haunt me.

“Turn to Him in prayer. Let His word be your foundation. Allow the Spirit to speak the words in your heart you didn’t even know you wanted to say. Allow Him to intercede on your behalf. Let action foster feeling.”

All these things are things I can keep repeating to myself over and over again, but it doesn’t do much good if doing those things feels like a burden. How do I discern between not being dictated by my feelings and not being disciplined because I feel like I’m being legalistic?

I’ve heard some very good advice before about how sometimes you can discern between discipline and being legalistic by your purpose behind your discipline. If your heart is in the right place then it’s not being legalistic. Although this advice rings very true most of the time, I wrestle with wondering, “But what if your heart isn’t in the right place and it can’t be in the right place until you’re a little legalistic?”

I know this place. I’ve been here many times before in the past year, and many of those times were a lot worse than right now. But I’m supposed to be preparing my heart for the school year, starting out on the right foot. Guess that doesn’t seem like it’s going very well already.

“Oh to grace how great a debtor, daily I’m constrained to be.

Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

Above all else, I adore your name. Above all else, tune my heart to sing your praise.” 

Come Thou Fount (Above All Else) - Shane & Shane

“Jesus, worthy is the lamb that was slain for us. Son of God and Man, You are high and lifted up, and all the world will praise Your great name.

Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty, my Savior, Defender, You are my King.”

Your Great Name - Shane & Shane

“You are mine,  when I’m feeling lost.

You are mine, when I lack the strength to trust. You are mine, your promise is enough. I am loved. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I’m yours.”