unhinged conversations from my day to day life.

C : so what have you been up to this week?

A : feeding the local police department like stray animals.

C : that's actually so on brand for you, I don't know what I was expecting knowing you, but that's actually pretty tame.

A : I have underlying motives. If I'm the snack lady, they will be nicer to me and more willing to help. The sheriff though was kinda butthurt that he didn't get any of the brownies I dropped off this week. Apparently the other deputies ate them before he could have one.

A : so.. remember how I told you if I ever tried to tell anyone else about all the shit that happens around here and what B does that they wouldn't believe me...

C : yeah?

A : I tried to confess everything to my (ex law enforcement) dad, and he told me that it wasn't true and that B was just lying to me.

A : *calls B*

If you're not busy may I tell you my story now?

B : everyone has gone home so I guess so. What did you break or set on fire this time?

A : surprisingly nothing, but your not gonna believe what happened. So, you know how I've been saying I'm afraid "work" is gonna follow you home?

B : I don't know what you're talking about but yeah.

A : two very large muscular men on motorcycles from Czechoslovakia were just in the store. They said they came down from your (home city name).

B : when??

A : *hums* maybe like two hours ago.

B : why didn't you call me sooner?!? Well There's something you can tell C, you somehow survived a run in with the Czechoslovakian mafia.

A : to be fair, I called you as soon as they pulled out of the parking lot but C was there so I told you I'd just call you later because it wasn't an emergency.

B : we have very different definitions of emergency. What if they had tried to kill you?

A : *trying to get the lid off of a bucket, failing miserably. Goes inside and hollars at B*

B : WWWHHAAATTT woman?!?

A : can you open this for me? I can't get it off.

B : why?

A : because your a big strong man and I'm a weak frail woman.

B : dont you forget that either.

*after talking about people hiding behind the shower curtains in the rooms, A said she's scared she eventually gonna find something terrifying one day*

B : please, the only body your ever gonna find is gonna be in the bed next to you.

A : that can be taken in multiple different ways.

B: how so?

A: it can be perceived as a threat, innuendo, or invitation.

B: *sarcastically*

B ; I'm so transparent I'm cling wrap

A : you're about as transparent as a cast iron skillet.

B : I have no idea what that means.

A: you can't see through cast iron. you are a man of many mysteries and not the least bit transparent.

B : I'm rich, how do I only have one tea cup that you broke??

A : SO YOU ADMIT IT!!

B : I have millions *allegedly* and only one broken tea cup??

A : if the FBI intercepted (cat)'s letter to Santa, then I'm kinda scared to see what his new years resolution is.

*B standing in front of the small heater*

A : tryna thaw out?

B : *slowly spinning in front of the heater, in a sing-song voice*

Rotisserie chicken....

A : *smiling and laughing*

*A walks past B and C with a determined look, gets a large stick, and walks back into the stock room."

C : what is she up to?

B : I have no idea, I've given up trying to figure it out. Best to just go with it and not ask questions.

*a large crash and a yelp come from the back*

C : uhhhh.....

B : shes fine, don't worry.

A : I'm okay!

*talking about the really bad manic low A hit while B was gone*

B : well why didnt you text me, I'm always in a good headspace.

A : because you were out of the country and I didn't want to bother you with my troubles.

Are you dragging another body down the stairs?

If I go missing, chances are I'm chained up in the basement again.

(cat) is currently trying to stab me in the ankle with a spaghetti noodle

I have no idea what happened, I rounded the corner and everything was on fire

how the fuck are you still alive

If that thing bites you I'm having you put down like a rabid dog

You are the most concerning and anxiety inducing person I have ever met

Why do you have the flamethrower?

Why are you on the roof with a chainsaw?

No offense, but your city slicker is showing.

A mountain lion raided our trash cans, may want to keep you're small animals and children inside for a while

I don't give a fuck what you do, bust down the godddamn door and get into that room!

You know there is a reason women statistically live longer than men

Why is your cat marching around with a cat sized AK?

I did not sign up for this, this level of crazy is WELL above my pay grade.

Today I learned how to trick luminol into giving a false negative.

I have the ability to make local law enforcement officers question their life choices, and what lead to this whole mess.

No one ever listens to the female.

Don't come crying to me when you singe your eyebrows off.

I'm just waiting for the explosion.

You try to throw me in that pool and I'll go dead weight on you.

I can bullshit my way out of almost any situation

I have dodged more felonies in the last year that I care to admit.

They know me by my first name at the county attorney's office... So that's a thing

I'm on a first name basis with most of the county cops here.

If you feed the police officers, much like stray animals, they will be a lot nicer to you when they inevitably have to come back.

Always make sure you have home made cookies on hand for the cops.

I carry narcan, and a full on trauma response medical kit. I'm pretty prepared for anything.

Just looking around the motel here, I can forage enough food for dinner ... Or an untraceable toxin....

If was going to poison you I woulda done so already

You're not gonna hurt little old me.

I got stuck under the bed for about five minutes... I think I dislocated my shoulder trying to get out

I need bleach for my brain and eyeballs after that.

Okay, imma go shower, I feel gross

I have been face down ass up in a freezer all day, my back is killing me

I have been in my knees for the past 4 hours. This shit is for the birds

So apparently B is this big bad ogre that I need to be rescued from.

He's an idiot, but he's my idiot

Boy you can tell you ain't from the south

Please tell me I don't have to explain bologna to you, your joking right?

How the hell did I let you rope me into this.

Thank you for being my knight in shining armor and rescuing me

A : I'm just waiting for someone to call the law on us.

B : aaand that'll be an unfortunate day for whichever law enforcement officer shows up.

A : hopefully itd be one of the ones we like.

A : remember be careful when you come down the stairs, that nail is still sticking up

B : yeah you probably put it there because you want me to fall and be paralyzed.

A : no, but if that did happen at least I'd be here to take care of you.

B : no you wouldn't! You'd forget about me!

A : no I wouldn't, I could never forget about you.

*A and B out on their evening walk*

A : I kinda don't want to go that way again, I don't feel like being chased by that big dog again.

B : your fine, I've got my gun.

A : if I pull a double Saturday, then I want Christmas eve off. That way I can decorate the store for the Holidays

B : you don't even celebrate Christmas ya devil!

A : I am an overstimulated raccoon trapped in a dumpster that may or may not be on fire. I am one minor inconvenience away from biting the shit out of someone.

C : would coffee make you feel better?