Are you dragging another body down the stairs?

If I go missing, chances are I'm chained up in the basement again.

(cat) is currently trying to stab me in the ankle with a spaghetti noodle

I have no idea what happened, I rounded the corner and everything was on fire

how the fuck are you still alive

If that thing bites you I'm having you put down like a rabid dog

You are the most concerning and anxiety inducing person I have ever met

Why do you have the flamethrower?

Why are you on the roof with a chainsaw?

No offense, but your city slicker is showing.

A mountain lion raided our trash cans, may want to keep you're small animals and children inside for a while

I don't give a fuck what you do, bust down the godddamn door and get into that room!

You know there is a reason women statistically live longer than men

Why is your cat marching around with a cat sized AK?

I did not sign up for this, this level of crazy is WELL above my pay grade.

Today I learned how to trick luminol into giving a false negative.

I have the ability to make local law enforcement officers question their life choices, and what lead to this whole mess.

No one ever listens to the female.

Don't come crying to me when you singe your eyebrows off.

I'm just waiting for the explosion.

You try to throw me in that pool and I'll go dead weight on you.

I can bullshit my way out of almost any situation

I have dodged more felonies in the last year that I care to admit.

They know me by my first name at the county attorney's office... So that's a thing

I'm on a first name basis with most of the county cops here.

If you feed the police officers, much like stray animals, they will be a lot nicer to you when they inevitably have to come back.

Always make sure you have home made cookies on hand for the cops.

I carry narcan, and a full on trauma response medical kit. I'm pretty prepared for anything.

Just looking around the motel here, I can forage enough food for dinner ... Or an untraceable toxin....

If was going to poison you I woulda done so already

You're not gonna hurt little old me.

I got stuck under the bed for about five minutes... I think I dislocated my shoulder trying to get out

I need bleach for my brain and eyeballs after that.

Okay, imma go shower, I feel gross

I have been face down ass up in a freezer all day, my back is killing me

I have been in my knees for the past 4 hours. This shit is for the birds

So apparently B is this big bad ogre that I need to be rescued from.

He's an idiot, but he's my idiot

Boy you can tell you ain't from the south

Please tell me I don't have to explain bologna to you, your joking right?

How the hell did I let you rope me into this.

Thank you for being my knight in shining armor and rescuing me

A middle school student today at the library.

“I would rather die of passion than of boredom.” - Vincent van Gogh