it was a graveyard smash

“Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.” 

“I just like to watch you guys.”

“Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday.”

“I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?”

“I like you very much, loverboy.”

“Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!”

“If you love me, you’ll drink this.”

“A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!”

“Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.”

“I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.”

“Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?”

“I just need to borrow some sugar.”

“If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.”

“A man like that, with a gun! My god!”

“What kind of drugs do you take?!”

“I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.”

“I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?”

“I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi [name].”

“Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.”

“Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.”

“You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.”

“You don’t feel guilty about this at all.”

“What do you think? Women change their minds all the time.”

"You are tearing me apart, [name]!”

“Do you understand life? Do you?”

“I gotta go see [name] in a little bit to make out with her.”

“He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.”

“I don’t love [name] anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.”

“Ha-ha-ha, chicken, [name], you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!”

“Hey, who are you calling a kid? Fuck you!”

“You look great. You look a babyface.”

“Anyway, how is your sex life?”

“Men and women use and abuse each other all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love.”

“I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.”

“If you’d keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn’t come to me!”

“I kill you, you bastard.”

“You betrayed me, you’re not good, you’re just a chicken, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep.”

“Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.”

“Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.”

“You little tramp. How could you do this to me?! I gave you seven years of my life! And you betray me.”

“You think you’re an angel. You’re just like everybody.”

“Aughhhhhhhh!!! Everybody betray me. I don’t have a friend in the world.”

“Yes, he’s dead. Yes he’s dead!”

“I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?”

“Black Magic taste like shit, dude!”

“You got the fashion sense of a seventh grader.”

“The secret ingredient...hair gel!”

“Turn off the light, it’s triggering me.”

“I have always said, that gay fascism, is the best fascism.”

“Dude, you can’t talk like that on the internet!” 

“..and for the record, you’re a part of the problem.”

“Have you ever had your asshole hacked by a hacking modder?”

“Holy shit, he just shot him in the dick! Three times in the dick!”

“I NEED YOUR MONEY!”

“I’m ready to get social, guys.”

“Kissing Girls has never been this easy!”

*uncontrollable coughing to show you my displeasure with you*

“Since when did being a fucking prick, become a prank?”

“Why the fuck are you making money? Fuck you, dude!”

“Must have taken the whole salad think tank to come up with that!”

“I don’t know if I was dancing or having seizure, but I don’t remember anything.”

“You smart, you loyal, you grateful! I appreciate that!

“I know you ain’t ever had a thought in your life, but you smart!”

“SAY MY NAME!”

“Stop what you’re doing right now, take out your smartphone out of your pocket, and throw it on the floor, because that’s ruining that the fabric of society!”

“You want us to go fight bears now?”

“Yeah right, you senile piece of shit!”

“She went out to lunch, and she never came home.”

"It's okay we can just, you know, wing it."

“Before we start, let me flush out my ass.”

"I don't carry lube like a goddamn pocketbook."

"You forgot the enema?!"

"Spit isn't going to suffice, asshole!"

“Whoa! You can’t just shove your dick in me without fingering first!”

"There's no time for lube."

“But, uh, I poop from there.”

"You CANNOT come home with Chipotle and try to fuck my ass."

"You want to do anal right now? Give me some time first to prepare."

"Oh my god, you're bleeding! Should I stop?"

“Anal is banned.”

“Just because I can’t get pregnant there doesn’t mean you can forego a condom.”

“God, your asshole is hairy.”

"I've read fanfiction, I know how anal works."

“startling how im the only person on this site with an actual human soul. you would think the other guys on here have one, but no”

“i think when we get caught up in our gadgets and email, we forget to sit down and appreciate that time-tested classic doritos”

(bowed head solemnly rises from deep thought) “Intellidgence is the strength of wisdom”

“you know what. im dropping the subject and going outside to sip some cool lemonade. Enjoy your circle jerlk”

“another thing that fuckin sucks is the gerber baby”

“cold butter popcorn. tjust throwing that one out there” 

“i know im a dumb ass for expecting a serious response from the chucklefuck brigade, but can someone please tell me if im circumcised or not”

“im a pleased as punch spoon-fed bitch and thats a bottom line”

“iwant to be pummeled with carpet beaters by eastern european grandmas and make big awful clouds of dust”

“how do people know how big their dicks are. is there an online quiz you can take”

“ive trademarked the term "The guy who fucks up" so if you see someone else using it pleaase stick my Fair Use brochures to their car”

“im seated down, and Ready to get  pissed off.........”

“im out here in the yard trying to clean up my turds with a hair brush”

“Thheres just not enough moisture in food now a days. Run that shit under the faucet”

“EEEEYYYYAAAAGGGGHHHH !!!!  MY ASS ....”

(vomits while dioing pushups at the gym and resists every attempt from professional trainers to stop me from continuing) 

“committing unforgivable crimes against nautre in my laboratory ,trying to create the next genetically discombobulated meme animal”

“i have taken my shirt off over 10000 times”

“This woman is an FBI agent sent to jingle her keys through the library to intimidate me about jail.”

“i fuucking love being sent to Juvie Hall”

“my plan of my walk of life is always making one million smackers  (dollars) to get rich, and to pick up all the money I find on the floor”

“i hear in some cultures they crap in their hand first before putting it in the toilet. thats fucked up to me. just shit it directly in there”

“im still allowed to jack off. jacking off does not count as pissing. please let me have this” 

“all young men Must be fitted for a good Italian suit, ideally by age 4. i will not fucking apologize or back down from this”

“Unamused by trash behaviour .”

“guess what. i have the brain of a Human.  i have a Human's brain”

“pissed off because people are watching their precious football instead of asking me why im pissed off”

“People say love is blind so maybe we should all close our eyes to be blind sometimes to see the love behind your eyes”

“You say take a chance I say make it happen and seconds chances don't need to happen. Chances are for luck. I make my own chances finish”

“Two weeks I am there”

“How can you walk in someone else shoes? You don't have same feet! Use your own shoes. Shoes don't get you where you want. Feet do”

“Many different things at once”

“I have many meetings to discus new idea to many to count”

“Rain makes for mood of sadness. I wish for sunny days for all.” 

“You like make believe? How about believing making your self into what your make belief self is.”

“If I had key I would not share, you have to make your own key because keys make things open. Open it yourself”

“If you want to the be the best stop thinking you are the best ever and be the best right now. The best now are always the best evers”

“If magic is just a ilusion than why does magic make us believe? Ilusions can be realer then life on its own reality”

“To find what is inside you you must look outside of you....That is where we all begin to see the real you and me too”

“That is my favorite part too thank you”

“It called a broken heart because you have to give half the heart to the person who took it. Don't worry! it grows back for you.”

“Who'd should I listen to on this?”

“If secrets were truely secrets then no one would know them to be real? To be true to yourself let the real you not be a secret”

“You shit corn fuck.”

"I don't need pickup lines because they don't work on corpses."

"Just watering my fucking plants."

"Damn, by the looks of that ass you could bear at least 20 children."

"God made me like this and I'm ashamed to be called his creation.”

“Mate, this is just the beginning.”

"I've got ten dollars hanging from my anus!"

“Wh-Why do I even hang out with you guys?”

“SO MUCH CANCER”

“It’s just Taco Bell, what could go wrong?”

“NYEEEESSS”

"WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS, MOTHERFUCKER."

"I hope you have insurance because I'm about to destroy your pussy."

"I must deliver these chromosomes."

“Oh man, I’m in the friendzone.”

“I AM THE PUSSY MASTER”

"Well, if you must know, a lot of times I like to sneak up behind a girl and slowly give 'em a little massage."

“ey b0ss”

"It's all fun and games until some kid dies. Then it's hilarious."

"If women were flies, I'd be a big rotting boar carcass."

“I EAT ASS”

“Those are some nice muscles, mane.”

"I'D RATHER STICK MY DICK IN A CEILING FAN!"

“I fisted a small child today.”

“Where is the pussy?”

"myaaaaaaaa"

“War is never the answer; peace is. Never fight. Compliments will get you fuzzy-wuzzies. War gets you prickly-wicklies... as well as punches. They get you those, too. Thank you very much, and have a wonderful day.”

“Dating Education Classes can best enforce the Natural Man-and-Woman Pairings/Couples; the homosexual count would be reduced.”

“My hormones are slam-banging, and I do not have a woman to put them in.”

“I am strong, man. You do not want to mess with me. But you should come out and face me like a man, instead of hiding behind your goddamn. Mother's. Skirt.”

“I’LL BREAK YOU DEAD”

“Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes shove some pussy in my face.”

“I have numbers of pairs of DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS.”

“Well, I do not like the majority of the male population regardless. The straight ones take the women away.”

“first date: McDonalds, Burger King, Arby's, etc; it would be a mutual choice between the two of us.”

“I'm stuck as a virgin with rage.” 

“Nothing has happened in Women's Rights; the "Friend Zone" is only the LOUSIEST EXCUSE EVER to give to someone the woman deeply cares about and trusts so she could get out of sex or a relationship.”

“[name], A Man For The Women, For the Women's Rights, For the Women's Justice, For the Women's Peace.”

“And you know what, I highly recommend this to every dude who goes around shirtless: wear a muscle bra.”

“Boobies... vaginas... mmmmmmmmm, gorgeous.”

“I am the high-functioning autistic person who was heavily emotionally damaged, artistic inspiration lost with paranoia, deception, blackmail and plain hurtful words from those bottom-feeding Trolls.”

“I AM GOING TO SHOVE YOUR ASS DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND MAKE YOU EAT YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!”

“In my humble opinion, Sex ED is fine for AFTER 3 or so DATES, but HOW DO WE EVEN GET TO THE FIRST DATE?!!!”

“I am not a pedofork, you DORKS!!!”