The Splish Splash Show

I can't wait until I have occasion to use the punchline "Now is the winter of my discotheque."

Ugh. When is someone gonna auto-tune that guy's interview about saving the three women already?? It's been, like, 12 hours!

Fact: I think you're a dick if you beat someone by one dollar in 'Jeopardy'. Fact: I think you're awesome if you beat someone by one dollar in 'The Price Is Right'

There was a big, fat worm on the sidewalk, writhing around, trying to find the dirt, so I got a stick and flicked it back into the grass. Then I saw a bird pick up another worm off the sidewalk to eat. There's a lesson here somewhere.

- room temperature Andy Capp's Hot Fries

Why do we put wreaths and crosses at the site of fatal car accidents? We don't do that for any other regular Joe's death site. JFK? Sure. Crispus Attucks? Of course. But no one has ever bought silk flowers to commemorate where Ed fell off the ladder.  Can you imagine if we did? Hospitals and nursing homes would look like the flower aisle at Hobby Lobby. Or you'd open the door to your hotel room and, boom, three wreaths on the bed and one in the bathroom hanging from the shower rod. No one needs that. If we're so obsessed with awkward commemoration, why not go all the way?  How about, instead of cake on your birthday, you go plant a little flag where you were conceived? Or maybe your parents plant the flag and, on your 16th birthday, you get to go on a super fun little scavenger hunt to find yours. I'm dying to see how many pennants show up in the back booth at my Shoney's.

When people describe someone as having an "enormous heart", I think "enlarged heart" and it makes me sad.

I want to hand so many asses to so many people today, but I shan't. Life's rough on the high road.

That's what that saying means, right? The lion/lamb thing?

- Genetically, your cousin is actually your father.

I just played another thrilling game of What's Tickling Me: My Hair or a Bug? Needless to say, everybody loses when you play that game.

Fact: Everyone thinks they have a weird sense of humor. Fact: No they don't.

New Year's Resolution #8: Not to be as sweaty as Bill Joel on this PBS special. Yeesh.

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.