just a splash of ink

1) you’re just fwb. that’s it. you said you wanted emotional intimacy, he said he wasn’t looking for that.

2) give yourself space. let him text first. you’re just friends. 

3) he has sex with others. he’s not into you that way. he’s in his last year of college, of course he wants to explore. that’s natural. do you really want to get hurt by that? he’s your friend - good for him.

4) sure he’s a great guy, but he has shortcomings. he can say the wrong thing in a group. he says weird things sometimes. you gloss over these things because you don’t see him often, and you idealize boys you like. remember?  

5) he can be bad at reading the atmosphere sometimes. he’s not as in tune with how other people are feeling. 

6) he’s not that considerate of your feelings. he just wants to do things for himself. he’s obviously lead you on for a long time, even if he didn’t mean to. and that’s not nice.

there are lulls of detachment, of clarity: where the storm has left behind a quiet island in the still sea

then there are waves, arriving suddenly at great force and almost unbearable in their ferocity

until all i want to do is lie down and let the waves take me.

---

it’s hard to think and even harder to feel

how many still cold nights will there be before the sunshine returns?

how long before it stops hurting to listen to the songs we sang along to?

how long before it all ends?

---

i miss you

i miss you

ou duan si lan

it means the lotus root breaks but the fiber still joins the pieces

it means lovers who are separated but remain in each others thoughts or lives

in the span of so few months

how did you make me want to say ‘i love you’ everytime we kissed

how did you make me so grateful everytime i traced your naked silhouette

how did you make me cry a thousand miles away

we both know it wasn’t just physical

when i was with you my heart felt like it was going to jump out 

when i slyly slid my hand under yours, you squeezed my hand

when i leaned my head against your arm, you leaned back

when i said ‘i miss you’, you said it back

i’m sorry

i’m so dumb

i’m in love with you 

when we’re together it feels like i’m so much lighter

why are you so far away

i don’t want to move on

i don’t want to find my way in this new strange town

i want to go back to you and the place where i grew

i want to go back to those hazy sunlight mornings where we pressed gentle kisses against each other’s foreheads while we were barely awake

i know you’re with someone new

and i’m so far away and you need that

it’s what is best for you

this sadness will blanket the next few months

it’s the ending of a magical evening where liquid courage and newfound height from sparkly black stilletos turned strangers into lovers indifferent to the others around them. we had spoken once before - another hazy night where i remembered your unique name

your kisses set my blood afire and the way your hands trace mine make me shiver. we had just met but i’m in your lap, giggling as we bask in the glow of a once-in-a-lifetime night of glitter, love, and celebration

(a number that exponentially increased in the last year)

the nights i shared with you were the most magical.

i still think back to those times now, 

It is surprising the things you discover about someone in an intimate relationship. While he appears harmless, I discovered that he is the least empathetic person I have ever known well. Most of his smiles aren’t true joy, and most of his actions are dictated by a desire to conform. Consequently, he will impose this conformity upon you.

He will play games of ‘who cares less?’. He will not text you back for hours, and he will not text you first. On days where he has nothing else planned, he will tell you ‘I’m done hanging out with you.’ He will tell you he prefers work over you. You might be shocked by these hurtful comments and asked him to repeat himself on occasion, which he will do with a smile.

He will judge you harshly on what he perceives are your political views. He will make excuses that he is ‘liberal, but not that liberal’. Late at night, he will call you and yell if he thinks you’re more liberal than him. He will never actually ask your opinion on politics, but simply make assumptions about you and your thoughts. He will call your gay friend a f*g when he’s drunk, and then try to act like it’s okay because ‘it was just a joke’.

He will judge your worth based on how you look. Be warned - even if he asked you out, and he asked you to be his girlfriend, he may not be satisfied with your appearance. If you are not thin or hot enough, he will complain to his friends. His friend will clumsily suggest you go to the gym with him, and become belligerent if you suggest otherwise.

He will become egotistical and arrogant in all matters related to sex. If you have your period on date night, he will cancel the date. His pleasure matters the most, so foreplay is an afterthought and sex is always bloody. He will make you feel ashamed of your sex drive. When you reveal any kinks to him, he will tell you that you are a freak. ‘You take anything I give you,’ he will say.

You are better than him. You don’t deserve to listen to love songs on repeat, thinking about how you are not worthy of love. You don’t deserve to avoid all variations of the word ‘love’ out of fear of clinginess. You don’t deserve to feel ashamed of your body. You don’t deserve to feel profoundly alone, and wonder if life is worth living. You don’t deserve to cry on a snowy bench for half an hour in the freezing January weather, or late at night because he feels like yelling at you over the phone, or in the middle of that tapas restaurant with the waiter awkwardly standing by.

You deserve better. I’m telling you this now, because it took me such a long time to learn that. It took me months to learn how to stand up for myself. When I finally broke up with him, the only emotion I felt was pure relief.

I appear to be unassuming, harmless, and nice. Thin and nerdy. My goal in life is to be a white preppy kid going to East Coast boarding school. If you’re looking for any amount of emotional support, don’t look here. I won’t ever text first, and make you feel clingy if you text more than once.

If you’re not as thin or thinner than I am, I will make you feel bad for it in small ways, in little jabs - even if I was the one who asked you out, knowing exactly what you looked like. I will tell my friends that you’re too ugly and fat for me. I will imply that you simply do not have enough willpower or discipline, unlike me.

I will look you straight in the eye on days when I have nothing planned, and say “I’m done hanging out with you today.” You will stay over on school breaks to spend time with me, and I will brush you off. I will tell you that I enjoy homework more than hanging out with you.

I drunkenly will call your gay friend a f*g as a joke. I will tell you that your kinks make you a freak. If you have your period, don’t come over to hang out like we planned. I will tell you, “You take anything I give you.”

I will call you up when I’m upset late at night, and yell at you about your perceived political views. Never mind that I’ve never asked you about your political views before - I will assume I know them, because you have a few friends whose views I disagree with. I will blame it all on ‘people like you’.

You will listen to love songs on repeat for weeks, wondering if love is even real. You will walk the sidewalks in a haze of sorrow. You’ll ask yourself, “Am I in love?”, knowing full well you aren’t. You will ask yourself if you’re worthy of love.

I will make you cry in the middle of the night with my yelling over the phone. I will make you cry outside, in bitterly cold January, with tears frozen on your cheeks. I will make you cry in the middle of that tapas restaurant, while the waiter looks on awkwardly.

I will make you sob in your bedroom, when you’re by yourself and feeling so incredibly lonely. I will make you wonder if this life is worth living, and leave you alone at your worst emotional state.

You will break up with me, and feel nothing but relief. You will learn to stand up for yourself. You will look back on this two years later from that February, when you felt most alone in this world.

it flashes across my mind 

fuck

i don’t know what’s happening or why i want him so much

i’m not sure where this urge comes from and why these thoughts appear

after the crying and the sobbing

after the sound of a broken soul arcs through the night

after all the clouds have heaved all the tears they could heave - 

comes the pale sliver of morning.

the feelings are all washed away 

the movements are soft, detached

my heart no longer feels so heavily in the morning