Spirit Given..

Idk, this is just on my heart and in my head. This is where I’m at right now and I’m not going to apologize for it.

Normally, I try not to watch or keep up with the news. It’s always something negative and depressing. This past week, I couldn’t do that. My Facebook timeline has been taken over with all of the events that quickly unfolded this week. From Alton Sterling to Philando Castile to the Dallas protest and “shooting”.

If I were to say that all of this hasn’t been getting to me, I’d be lying. Every night since Tuesday, I lay in bed for at least 2 hours, restless– refreshing all of my social media timelines. Why? Because I’m constantly looking for something. For anything. For a news report or another video of a police officer violently killing an innocent (innocent in the fact that whatever he is attempting to be apprehended for is not punishable by death) black man. I’m expecting to find out about a new death nightly because that is what the past week has been like.

My heart is sad. It’s overwhelmed. But mostly torn. I’ve never met or heard of any of these people before, yet I mourn their lost. Yet I’m in tears about them daily. I’ve never felt so passionately about something that I’m constantly crying about it. So why am I? The answer is simple THESE ARE LIVES. THESE ARE PEOPLE’S LIVES. And they matter. In spite of what they’ve done. THEY MATTER. BLACK LIVES MATTER.

God says that they do. And if they didn’t they would have never been a part of creation. Everything that God makes is perfect and is exactly the way that He intended it to be. And the president, the federal government, the department of justice, the police and we as a society DON’T GET TO SAY OTHERWISE!

I’ve been enraged these past few days too. When I see (or a better word would be perceive) that some of the people that I would say I love or call a friend have nothing to say (or appear to have nothing to say because they’ve posted nothing about it on their media outlets) it HURTS me. My heart and even my brain can’t understand the silence. My heart and my brain don’t understand how that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, that you get when you know that you know that something is wrong doesn’t push you to say something. To DO SOMETHING.

I’ve been very rash. My friends list and contact list just keeps dwindling. But to be frank, I honestly don’t give a shit about your vacation or PokemonGo or the fact that you’re at a soccer game or a beer festival or that your best friend got engaged or that you had a picnic lunch or the new ways to garden or your birthday when you appear to have nothing to say about what is happening in our country right now. You can’t say that you are my friend, love or care about me and have nothing to say at the same time. I’m sorry but in my eyes, that’s impossible. Surely you have something to say. Anything. And no, I’m not going to small talk with you and smile because it’s clear that you don’t care about me or people that look like me. Like Dr. King said in a direct quote from a statement by the executive committee of Clergy and Laymen Concerned about Vietnam, “A time comes when silence is betrayal”. And though he was referring to the Vietnam war, I’d say what is going on right now across our nation is a war of sorts…

So this leaves me with a big question.. What next? So I’ve said a few words about how I feel and the ways that I’ve reacted, whether they be right or wrong, they’re done. So, what do I do next? How do I support the #BlackLivesMatter movement, stay true to God and supposedly continue on in relationship and ministry with a bunch of white people wholeheartedly? Is that possible?

At this point, I’ve come to question who I’ll talk to, if I’ll intern at a campus ministry where I could possibly count the black people with my fingers and toes, if I want to still live with my white roommates and even stay in the city of Athens. How do I move on from these events that may have just changed everything about my life and what I believe?

About two weeks ago, I went to this event called Carry The Love. Put simply, Carry the Love is a movement of college students to walk in love. To be a representation of Jesus’ love on their college campus. It sounds simple, but it is so powerful. 

One of the things that we did that night was pray. We prayed for the people of the city of Athens and on the UGA campus. We prayed for ourselves. While praying, I suddenly felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I was just overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord and he began to speak to me. Below is a summary/my take on what was revealed to me:

Basically, the Lord really wants people to have the right view of His Kingdom. With that being said, I think that people should know that I didn’t have to change who I was or what I did in order to encounter, experience or enter into relationship with the Lord. Instead, because of that real love (that I did not deserve) that I had no Earthly context for at all, I wanted to change. I wanted to become someone who was worthy of that love. I wanted to become more like the One that extended that kind of love and grace to me. It is because of that love that I seek to live a life that displays that love. It is because of that love that I seek to glorify Him in all that I do and represent Him really well in my daily life. 

I believe that it is my purpose to begin straightening out and correcting the misrepresentations that Christians and past experiences have given people that keep them from accepting and wanting to know Jesus. I firmly believe that if anyone had the right view of Him, His Kingdom, His goodness and how for each of us He is, there is no way that you could not want to be in relationship with Him. 

Jesus is not in the business of changing you. He’s in the business of loving you. All of the change that occurs is done by you. Free will is a thing. 

Since about the time school let out for Winter break up until the New Year, I’ve been feeling really defeated spiritually. I kid you not, I have even thought about quitting the whole ‘Jesus follower’ thing. I mean, I just felt (and still do a little) feel like my life isn’t fulfilling. Like I'm missing out on this whole other life that all of my peers are getting to experience. As if there’s some greater life out there where I’m free, happy and apart from Jesus!

Can I just say, if that is not the biggest lie straight from the Devil in the deepest, fiery pits of Hell I don’t know what is!? Literally, that is so backwards I can’t believe that I had begun to believe, even for a smidgen of a second! With Jesus, you can experience unending freedom and joy in ways that you would have never imagined.

I’ve realized that the reason why I had begun to feel this way is because of where I’m at (spiritually) right now. Currently, I’m in a waiting period. As I like to say, God has me in a waiting room. I’ve gone to see Him, I’ve had all the tests ran and I’m just waiting on the results (answers). I’m waiting for Him to write out my prescription (give me guidance). I'm waiting to be cured!

If you know me, you know that my patience level is like 2.5! I want the things that I want exactly when I want them. Not a second before or a second after. If things don’t happen for me within the time frame that I believe that they should, then I’m over it! I lose interest and I become distant. I felt that God should have gotten back with me by now, but He hadn't. So, like Monesha usually does when people don't act the way she thinks that they should, I cut them off. Yep, I decided to cut GOD off..

Lol, that's probably the dumbest thing I've ever tried to do in life! Because in doing so, I was only hurting myself. I was inflicting pain and sadness upon myself for no reason. I was making life harder than what it had to be. And the funny thing about me trying to distance myself from God, is the fact that the whole while, I wanted to talk to Him about how I was feeling. I didn't though because I'm stubborn and hate to admit that I'm ever wrong!

After spending a couple of days alone, I kept hearing and reading the word obedient. Then I understood, if I have such great faith in the Lord, then I should be willing to obey Him. I need to be obedient to the way that He calls me to live and to act. And with that obedience comes patience. I need to be patient. Patient enough to wait, and patient enough to follow His every command.

Humans are such hypocrites. Moms want kids to go to bed early, but they stay up all night. People make dogs poop outside, yet they go in the house. Bosses demand respect, but never want to give respect. Professors expect students to read hundreds of pages over night, but probably wouldn't do it themselves. We are always 'busy' yet we have time to watch 2.5 hours of Netflix each night (or am I the only one?). And I'm always quick to get upset with someone because they "make time for who and what they want to make time for", but don't expect God to feel the same when I forget to make time for Him.

Sure there's school, work, sports, study sessions, group projects, meetings, internships, clubs, interviews and whatever else, but are those things more important than your creator? I am so guilty of this; always saying, "Not right now", "I will later", "I'm too tired" or "Just this once can't hurt". What better time than the present? What good will waiting until later do? Too tired? What better time to seek the Lord out than when you're tired. He can give you rest. Only once? Just because you do something once doesn't negate the fact that you did it.

God desires to know you and to be known by you. The only way this happens is when you spend time with Him and in His Word. So even when you are busy and tired, that is when you should want to spend time with the Lord most. These are the times when the Devil likes to creep in and draw you back to your sin. When you are aware of things and prepare for them, it is easier to face them, if and when the time may come. 

Okay, so I just typed up this huge thing about patience, love, relationships and waiting only to hate everything I said. The actual thing that I should have been writing about was joy.

Idk about you, but I base my joy (happiness, rather) on my circumstances. Like if it's a day when the universe is my bestie —my hair's cute, I don't look terrible, I make it onto a bus that I should've missed or my professor decides to give extra credit on an asssigment— I am joyful/filled with joy. If it's a day when the universe hates me and all those things stated above are reversed or I'm stressed about something, don't talk to or look at me! But seriously.

Up until about a month ago, I struggled with my identity. I didn't know who I was outside of the roles I played and apart from the people I spent most of my time with. As God began revealing things about me to myself (freaky, but so good), I started feeling bad for not knowing who I was. There were times where I would be completely confident, but then I'd fall back into old patterns.

Since I'm super emotional and things affect me so easily, obviously, it takes me approximately 2.5 seconds to become sad or depressed. And I'm one of those people that once they start sinking into a hole, it's just a never-ending downward spiral. I just keep doing things, like listening to music that I know gets me down, watching movies that I know will make me cry until I just hit rock bottom and feel bad for myself..... Pathetic? I know.

Anyhow, yesterday I was listening to Divine Romance from the I Belong to You playlist on 8 tracks (which beeteedubz is pretty awesome). And the song just made me realize that God is good, holy, perfect and worthy despite anything that I'm going through. That whenever I am in His presence, I should be completely satisfied despite my situation. The knowledge of His truth and love should be enough for me.

I feel that many Christians struggle with finding true joy in who they are in Jesus Christ. Because we live in a world full of labels, we feel the need to label ourselves. We think that when we label ourselves before others have the chance we are protecting ourselves. We are actually hurting ourselves. Just because you lied doesn't make you a liar. You cheating doesn't make you a cheater. Just because you failed doesn't make you a failure. You may have sinned, but you don't have to be a sinner.

So maybe for about 8 months I’ve been thinking to start a blog. A serious, meaningful one & I think this may be it…

Recently, I’ve been spending a bit of time on tumblr again (probably because of finals & procrastination) just reblogging a bunch of stuff. You know, cats, Christmas stuff, clothes, quotes, celebs, gifs of old movies and tv shows. Just a bunch of stuff! Randomly pops up a gif from The Breakfast Club of the weird girl and the bad guy. Obviously I reblogged it! This is how it went:

Basket case: It’s unavoidable. It just happens. When you grow up.. your heart dies.

Criminal: Who cares.

Basket case: I care.

After reading it I said to myself, “I do, I care”. Just two days ago my friend and I were talking about being emotional and having weak hearts. Literally since forever I’ve always thought that I’m too sensitive and that I care too much. My feelings always get hurt because I care. I feel like today more than ever you're not ‘cool’ if you care about stuff. You’re considered weak when you care. Everyone walks around with these nonchalant faces and attitudes, constantly shrugging their shoulders and rolling their eyes. Who decided that it was ‘cool’ to not care!? Why do people think having emotions and being sensitive to certain things is a sign of weakness? After reading that post, it all just sort of clicked..

I don’t want my heart die as a get older. I don’t want have a cold heart. I don’t want to be ‘made of stone’. I don’t want to stop caring about the well-being of others. I love the fact that I care. I care about myself. I care about others. I care about lost friendships. I care about broken hearts. I care about new and mended relationships. I care about the fact that you made it through finals week. I care about how you feel today. I care about how your day is going. I care about the fact that you’re reading this. I care about the fact that some people scrolled right past this. I care about what you’re going through. I care about the homeless man with the blanket and grocery cart on the corner of North Ave and Willow St... I CARE!!!!!

You know who else cares? My Saviour cares! It delights Him to know that we are made in His image and His likeness. God wants our hearts to break for the things that break His! I used to take my sensitive heart for granted, but now I’m starting to wonder who I would be if I didn’t have my caring heart. I’m not sure and I don’t want to find out!