spiral library

nix | 28 | they/any | white | queer + disabled | psych + gender studies student who is taking a break

voice lessons went well again! for those who don't know, i'm taking voice lessons from the singer of a band i like, which i'm extremely grateful to be able to do. today we finished up the last song she assigned me, slow disco by st. vincent, did a few exercises, and talked about finding ways to enjoy my practice more and how important that is.

first, we started with the stretch and relaxation routine, which we do at the beginning of lessons (and practice). she introduced a few new stretches to do, such as opening your chest toward the sky and rounding your upper back a little. then we talked about how it's important to enjoy your practice and kind of have it as a safe refuge to go to, which has been difficult for me lately. honestly, practice has been stressing me out more and more with time, which is something i really need to work on improving. we then opened the book she asked me to get, the sight-singer (volume 1) by audrey snyder, and did some rhythm exercises with a shaker (or, in my case, a spice bottle). and in the end, i showed her my progress on slow disco, to which she said i was doing well and that the main thing i need to work on (again) is rhythm. so more rhythm exercises for me i guess!

hello. i'm pretty sure it's been a few months since i've posted here. i'll get straight to the point: i dropped my last class, which means i'm not actively taking classes anymore. this is the continuation of the cycle i've been stuck in of trying to take a class or two and eventually dropping them. i thought this time might be the time i succeed, but i guess not.

it's weird because i was doing okay at first. when i first started college, and for a few years after that, i took up to four classes (since i was still disabled) and got As in all of them. and now i can't even take one without falling very far behind and being unable to catch up.

what changed? it's hard for even me to understand. it feels a lot like some kind of severe burnout that i can't recover from, despite taking a break for years. there's this essay i was hoping to read about how some research is saying many people may not recover from it, as hopeless as that sounds. whatever it is, i'm starting to realize that maybe college isn't for me, at least not anymore, and at least for now.

so what will i do now? i don't know. i've always wanted to work on music stuff, like songwriting and performing, so maybe i'll attempt to spend my time working on that--if i can. (it's been a bit difficult lately.) i also want to continue reading, get back into writing at some point, and maybe do my own studying. i don't know. i guess we'll see.

i don't really know what to do with this blog. i'd have a hard time deleting it, and for all i know, i might return to school at some point. maybe i'll still use it for productivity reasons that aren't related to school for now. maybe i'll use it to keep up with my life.