Blueish

I can’t stop thinking about how that guy is just allowed to walk around and love someone and start a family. Why does he get to decide and I don’t? Why don’t I get to decide? Why does he get to live a life and I’m still in that room and I’m still fourteen?

Uhm I’m not sure how exactly that happened but last night drummer boy invited me to come over after we had a very honest conversation at 2 in the morning. Spent the rest of the night and half of today fucking and then we went out for food and to enjoy the weather and it was genuinely a nice stress free time. Very confusing

I had this conflict with a friend a few days ago and it’s making me unreasonably angry. I started writing this whole explanation but none of those details really matter. She said she felt forgotten about over what I perceived as not telling her quickly enough when we are gonna be where. I know it also had to do with the other friends communication but I’m getting really fed up. I think it reminded me of my mom to demand attention/affection but not being there for me when I needed her. I have been in crisis for the last few weeks and she couldn’t even get back to me about meeting when she said she would. I think I’m starting to understand more and more how selfish that socially anxious behavior can be.

I mean I TECHNICALLY knew this trauma was there, but for some reason I didn’t think it was actually that bad. I think I spent so much of my life trying to convince people that what happened to me was bad, that I never realized how bad it really was.

I keep going from hysterically crying to completely numb in the span of minutes and it’s really freaking me out. I’m so confused

I learned yesterday that the guy who did the bad r (sorry tumblr keeps telling me I’m not allowed to post this with real words) to me about two dozen times and got me pregnant when I was 14 had a baby, because my mom told me on the phone after letting me know that SHE doesn’t have any strong feelings about it. Also she thought it was „nothing bad“ (I avoided her calls) and also apparently she has known this for some time and didn’t want to tell me but realized she had to. Who the hell gives a shit if SHE feels stuff learning the guy who abused me and abandoned me with a new born is walking around just living his life like a regular person?

He doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I am realizing that I'm not capable of having the relationship I want. It's devestating honestly and I am really angry at my mom again. But also it was probably my very first relationship that led to this too. It's a little wild that I only see the parallels now (but also that guy abused me and this one didn't).

Well I sent him a message saying how I felt about him at the time, we talked, cried together, I confessed I still feel pretty much the same. And then he said he doesn’t see anything romantic at this point in time. Asked me if I will always have feelings for him (to what I replied that I am not a fortune teller) and I crashed out a little bit saying how I won’t be waiting around to find out if he’ll change his mind or something. Said he shouldn’t text me again and so on. Later when I calmed down I sent another message saying I do actually still have questions and things to say (he wanted to keep talking about it) and that if he’s still open to talk I would like that. Ughhhh I am heartbroken but also this kinda is free therapy and I’m gonna use that

Ughhh we're in this space again where I'm waiting for the important conversation to happen and he's delaying it (for actual reasons but also out of fear). I don't really get why he's scared about the conversation but it's also not my buisness to speculate on it. I am planning to say a bunch of really vulnerable stuff and take emotional risks and such. Told him I can't keep talking to him every day and get closer and closer before we talk about the elephant in the room and now we haven't really spoken in a week. I guess I'm a little worried he feels rejected but things were really mismatched; lots of affection and emotional intimicy but no clearity to build actual trust on. Anyway I gave myself a deadline until the end of the month, if he doesn't find the time/capacity to talk until then I'm gonna have to pass on any possible romance between us. Sucks because I really like the guy, which also comes with almost unbearable hornyness ugh

oh also I told the french guy that I don't want to hook up again and explained what is going on and he got really excited for me? Kind of a strange expirience but he called my text "peak communication" and said that he believes in love and that I "got this".

ok ok things are moving in all kinds of directions. He did pull away slightly but this time he tried to talk to me about it. I felt things are getting weird and stiff so I just stopped engaging with it so much and then one day I woke up to a voice note he had sent me at 3:45 in the morning. Saying sorry for pulling away and that he isn't doing well and all that. It sounded like he was crying maybe halfway through the message. I don't know what exactly happened in my brain but something hit me with a bunch of realizations. I guess mainly not feeling like I need him to behave a certain way or be available all the time. I could stay compassionate even though it worried me and that is a huge win. I never realized how self centered my obsessions with people were. All of the sudden I understood that if I claim to care about him, my care and compassion can't end where he is not able to help me regulate. I can walk away if I can't take it anymore or set boundaries to protect myself but if my love is conditional on what he can do for me it isn't love at all. I told him to take his time and when we (accidentally) met at a concert the next week it was okay. He invited me to a film thing he was involved with the next day and we spent the night cuddleing in his bed. Still no sex and I'm very proud of that. This week we started speaking about what happened between us the first time around and our individual relationship fears and issues and that has felt really healing. Not easy but just right. This is bringing up some childhood trauma around my relationship with my mom but at this point I can engage with that in a healthy way, it feels like I'm learning something important here. We are just two flawed humans who for whatever reason seems to really like each other. That's enough for me. It's not as dramatic as I thought things had to be, it's just calm and quiet and carefull. Whatever comes from this for me it's gonna be worth it.

We have met twice now since we started talking again and I'm honestly glad I gave it another chance. It is so wild how everything clicks into place with the proper tools & skills. I told my other friend who witnessed the situation back then that we started talking again and got another unexpected reaction. Again I didn't think he would judge me but at least ask me if that's really a good idea or something. Instead he said he gets it and that when he feels the heartbreak from his last relationship he often thinks about talking to his ex boyfriend again and that he probably could (the guy has him blocked) but he won't because of the alcoholism. And I think thats honestly a huge part on my guys side. I had no idea how much that impacted our dynamic. Anyways the first time we met again was a little chaotic and impulsive but it honestly went well. He had this job interview to get his old job back and afterwards he started texting me being all excited and saying he really wants to see me. Turns out he meant that very moment and we met at a random train station and ran some of my errands together and sat by the water for like 10 minutes. The next day I got all my shit done for the day and was free around 11 in the morning so I just called him and asked him what he was up to. I bought stuff for lunch and he made me grilled cheese and we watched cartoons and later went out to buy ingredients and baked brownies and watched another movie. I slept in his bed but we didn't have sex (we even talked about it not being a good idea briefly) and in the morning we had a really nice, soft, carefull conversation about some of the comunication issues we used to have. I felt a bit off or tense a few times but always either adressed it or did some of my emotional regulation skills and left before I started getting overwhelmed. I'm so proud of myself for not slipping into old habbits and dynamics :3 No matter how this goes it is so good to know I can behave in a way that is true to myself and my own values and needs.