Pairing - Azriel x Reader
Warnings - Mentions of deathÂ
Word Count - 2,400+
Summary - Itâs the Readerâs first Starfall back home in Velaris after being trapped Under the Mountain with Rhys, though trauma holds them back from fully reuniting with their family-The Inner Circle. Azriel comes to find them, potential feelings beginningto rise to the surface. Â
A/N - I donât know what this is. I was just absent-mindedly writing and this is what I ended up with, so I might as well post it. Be kind, I havenât ever wrote for Azriel before so Iâm still learning the best way to write for his character. I also havenât wrote anything in quite some time so ya know... not that great.Â
It hadnât made sense at first.Â
The city had been my safe-haven, one that filled my dreams Under the Mountain whenever exhaustion would set in and finally force my eyes shut. My beloved temporary escape from Amaranthaâs cruel reign, the only remaining tether to my sanity; and now that I had finally returned after forty-nine Gods-awful years, I was left to find that it was no longer what I remembered it to be.Â
Velaris was one of the only places to remain untouched by her merciless hands, though it still felt as though it had been stripped of all its beauty, just as the rest of Prythian had been. My home, a place that had brought me such solace, now felt cold and foreign.
Then, eventually, it dawned on me. Velaris hadnât been the one to change. I had.Â
No one had escaped Under the Mountain unscathed and I knew this, but somehow I had been foolish enough to believe that returning home would be the cure to all the horrors I had endured. Velaris was as beautiful as ever-the same warm, welcoming city that I loved with all my heart. But I was no longer beautiful. No longer warm. No longer willing to welcome anyone into my life, including my own family.Â
A part of me had expected Rhys to share in that realization, to have a similar feeling of unease as we were forced to relearn how to exist within the confines of our home. The two of us had felt things under there that our friends would never fully understand, seen things that I knew would haunt us for centuries. I hadnât thought it foolish to assume that he too would struggle upon returning home; upon remembering what it felt like to be safe. But, I soon realized, that I was the only one to feel a sense of estrangement here. The only one who hadnât stopped living as if they were still trapped Under the Mountain.Â
We were all meant to spend Starfall together, celebrate as a family for the first time in decades. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I couldnât bring myself to go downstairs and join them. I could hear the sound of their laughter as I stood atop one of the many balconies a the House of Wind, listening as they made small talk and drank wine. I wanted them to be happy, I wanted to be happy with them, but the sound of their joy only left me feeling more hollow.Â
I leaned against the balcony railing, burying my face in my hands and savoring the feel of cold palms against flushed cheeks. I tried to will that empty feeling away, sighing as it only began to morph into the only other emotion I had felt since returning: sadness. At this point I wasnât sure which was worse.Â
As tears began to well up in my eyes I felt the soothing touch of shadows brushing against my bare arm, grazing gently just below the sleeve of my gown. My head instinctively snapped up from my hands, once again letting the emptiness consume me in an effort to hide just how broken I had become.Â
âMor sent me to look for you.âÂ
Azrielâs footsteps had been feather-light as always, a carefully honed skill that worked to his advantage as the resident Spymaster. His shadows continued to whirl around my arm, acting as a considerate gesture to make sure I had been aware of his presence rather than just sneaking up on me.Â
âSheâs asked for you about a dozen times in the past ten minutes.âÂ
I forced a chuckle at his words, followed by a small smile. âIâm sure sheâs already raided the wine cellar and began overindulging herself by now, yeah? Give it a bit longer, Iâm sure soon enough she wonât even notice Iâm missing.âÂ
âI wouldnât be so sure about that since sheâs had to suffer through forty-nine years without her favorite drinking partner. If you donât hurry up and drain the rest of the cellar with her then I doubt she will be quick to forgive you.âÂ
Azriel came to join me in leaning against the railing, his head tilted towards the sky as his shadows began to dissipate. For a moment he indulged in the silence between us, giving me some time to think over my list of excuses as to why I wouldnât be joining them tonight. Then, he spoke again.Â
âWhere have you been lately?âÂ
The question was deceptively simple and didnât come with an easy answer.Â
âWell,â I took a heavy breath, beginning to pick at my nail-beds, âRhys signed off on me going back to work so long as I work under Madja for the time being, so most of the time Iâm in the city. I tried to tell him it was silly and I didnât need to be supervised, but you know Rhys. He insists that itâs for the best so I donât get too overwhelmed.âÂ
Madja had been the one to oversee my training when I first decided to become a healer. I had just barely completed my training before Amaranthaâs reign began, and my time spent Under the Mountain had only aided me in honing the skills she taught me as I tried to tend to whatever injuries I could. But Rhys had been alongside me as I fought to heal as many as I could, had witnessed the way each person I lost had taken a piece of me with him; likely the reason why he had felt more comfortable having me work under Madja rather than begin healing on my own again, an attempt to place less weight on my shoulders for a while.Â
âWhile Iâm glad to hear that youâre working again,â I could feel his gaze shift from the stars to me, though I still refused to look up from my own hands, âyou know thatâs not what I meant.âÂ
Another smile tugged at my lips, though this one was genuine, albeit weak. âYou canât blame me for trying to avoid the question, can you?âÂ
âNot at all, though I do hope youâll try and answer it anyway.âÂ
âGods, things really have changed, havenât they? It used to be me having to pester you to let your feelings out. I guess the tables finally turned.â I shook my head at the thought of all the nights so long ago where I would fight to gain Azrielâs trust, and the ones that followed where he would actually share some of the things that plagued him. âI think Iâve just been stuck in my own head lately.âÂ
A weak answer, one that I knew wouldnât satisfy him, because I wouldnât have been satisfied with it either if the roles were reversed.Â
âYouâve been home for months now and yet this is the most weâve spoken to each other--so Iâve noticed that you havenât been very present.â His words were so careful, so gentle, and they were laced with so much concern that it made my stomach twist.Â
âHave I?â Been home, I mean.â I forced myself to look away from my hands, glancing over at him as his brows furrowed together at the question. âI know it probably doesnât make any sense, but it just doesnât feel like home anymore, ya know?âÂ
âVelaris?â His head tilted slightly as he spoke, offering me his full attention.Â
âThe world.â I let out a breath I didnât realize I was holding, averting my eyes from him again to stare at the stars. âI used to have so much faith in everything. Maybe not in the Gods or even the High Lords, but in the world. I believed that there was a purpose to it all, believed in the beauty of life--the same beauty that made me want to become a healer. And now? All of that is gone. I donât have faith in any of it anymore.âÂ
The weight of sadness began to creep back into my chest, once again filling the hollow space and making me feel weighted.Â
âI thought being back home would fix that. That seeing anywhere that hadnât been touched by her would fix it. It was supposed to give me something to believe in again, to know that something beautiful had survived.â I chewed on my bottom lip, fighting to keep my voice even, âTruthfully? I think everything beautiful died under there.âÂ
âNo.â Azriel spoke quickly, not allowing even a moment of silence. He lifted his hand off the railing as though he were going to reach for mine, hesitating at the last moment as it hovered over my skin, ultimately settling against the railing again. âNot everything beautiful is dead. You survived.âÂ
âIs it bad that I wish I hadnât?â It fell from my lips before I had a chance to stop it, the collected mask that Azriel always wore falling in an instant, replaced with an emotion I couldnât quite figure out. âI tried to save as many lives as I could, but there were just too many that needed saving. Some of them were beyond help, but fuck Az, some of them? They begged for death, begged me not to help them. Death was just a means to an end for them, and honestly? I think they might have had it right. It would have been better to die than to live like this.âÂ
He didnât fight the silence this time, letting it grow until it felt like I was suffocating in it. I turned my head towards him, his lips parted slightly though no sound came out, words lost upon the Shadowsinger at the confession.Â
âIâm sorry.â It came out as a whisper as a new emotion flooded through me for the first time in years. Guilt-for thrusting the weight of my problems onto him. âI shouldnât have put that on you.â I cleared my throat, forcing myself to be louder this time. âItâs just--I donât know--there used to be so much good in the world, and I just canât see it anymore.âÂ
âTry a mirror.â His statement was forward and a bit awkward, a hint of desperation behind the rushed words that was entirely unlike him. âYou know, once we realized that you and Rhys werenât coming back, that there was absolutely nothing we could do to save the two of you, you were what got me through Y/N. I took my favorite things about you-like the way you would smile whenever all of us would find time to be in one room together-and I committed them to memory. And every grueling day that I had to force myself out of bed, every day I was forced to live without you, I would think of them. I would use them to remind myself that I couldnât give up. I couldnât lose faith. Because even if I couldnât see you, I could still feel you, and I wasnât going to allow myself to give up until you were safe again.âÂ
Azrielâs hand raised again and this time he didnât hesitate as his hand pressed itself against my cheek. I forced myself to stay still against his tough, afraid that if I moved even slightly he would take his touch away.Â
âWhen I first met you, you forced yourself into my life. Spent years clawing at the walls I built around myself, around what happened. You never gave up. â His thumb hesitantly stroked my face, scarred skin against smooth flesh. âYou are all the proof I will ever need that beautiful things still live.â My eyes fluttered shut, an unfamiliar warmth spreading through the hollow space that lived inside me, âYouâre one of the most intelligent healers Iâve ever met, and so you know that trauma doesnât heal overnight. But I can promise you that all of us are here to help you. I am here to help you, in whatever way you need.âÂ
I felt his breath against my skin as he spoke, warm and minty, and I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter to try and fight against the tears attempting to force their way out.Â
âYouâre not a prisoner anymore. Youâre allowed to come home, love.âÂ
âIâm terrified.â My voice wobbled as a I spoke, forcing myself to look at him, tears sliding down my cheek and falling against the hand still pressed against my face. âWhat if the pain never goes away? The fear?âÂ
Azriel let himself smile, âIt never goes away, not fully. But it changes, becomes more numb with time, until you barely feel it at all. And Iâll be right there with you every step of the way.âÂ
There was a sudden crash from downstairs that sounded like the shattering of a bottle, followed by an eruption of drunken laughter. Azriel rolled his eyes at the noise while I couldnât help but let out a giggle of my own through tears. âTheyâll be there for you too, Iâm sure.âÂ
âI donât want all of you to be worried about me, though. I donât want you worrying about me.â I playfully shoved his arm, âThereâs so much happening, so much to focus on. Worrying about me will just add to the stress.â
âYou could never add to my stress.â All hints of teasing vanished, his tone serious as he now used both hands to cup my face, hazel eyes glued onto my own. âIâve worried about you for the last forty-nine years. At least now I get to do it with you by my side. You matter so much to me, Y/N.â
He didnât follow it up with a reminder that I also mattered to our family, that everyone worried for Rhys and Iâs safety Under the Mountain. He spoke only of himself, in such a personal and intimate way. That unfamiliar warmth in my chest began to grow larger, accompanied by an overwhelming sense of nerves as he leaned closer to me, pressing his lips against the top of my head.
My heart threatened to beat right out of my chest as he pulled back from me, his hands falling from my face as that composed mask of his began to take over his features again, though a tinge of crimson coloring still painted his cheeks under the moonlight.
âI should probably rejoin everyone before they send Cassian after me.â Azriel took a step back, silent for a moment before offering his arm towards me, âYouâre welcome to accompany me. I know everyone would love to see you-especially Mor.âÂ
I took a few deep breaths, steadying my still-racing heart before moving towards him to lock arms.Â
âTime to come home.âÂ














