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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of bread

Describe your perfect date in detail.

ideal date: it happens

What is my perfect date? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years; she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care, I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

I’m not a person I’m just 3 mental illness stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Everytime a Florida Man is arrested, the spirit of Florida leaves his body and possesses another.

the hotter it gets the more i realize i only fuck with the summer superficially and in concept

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am awake.

you can take one man’s trash to another man’s treasure but you can’t make it drink

I’m rather fond of “It’s not rocket surgery” and “not the sharpest egg in the attic,” but my all-time favourite is, “…until the cows freeze over.”

More, more!

Don’t count your chickens before you break a few eggs. Actions speak louder than the sword. What’s good for the goose is the enemy of the good. Let sleeping dogs bark up the wrong tree.

Don't throw your baby out before it's hatched.

😍😍😍