Untitled

Before My Spiritual Awakening, I was just living like everyone else, I suppose, I like to joke around NOW, and refer to THAT way of living as “living on autopilot”. My mind was always full of self doubt, worry, fear of the unknown, unsure of who I was or why I was even here, even though I felt like I was missing something, but could never quite place my finger on it. I put up with a lot of people’s bad behavior, I allowed disrespect and simply put, I let everyone walk all over me, doing my absolute best to avoid conflict and would keep the peace at ANY cost, until I realized the cost was actually MY peace.

Oh, the lengths, we as empaths, will go to make sure everyone ELSE is happy and everyone else’s needs are met, thinking we’re actually one step ahead and at peace, not even realizing the resentment building deep inside our soul from not receiving to the same in return from the ones we try so hard to put before our own needs and wants. Over giving, taking on more responsibility than I could handle, and accepting behavior that I would NEVER again in my life imagine of allowing left me in a constant state of feelings defeated, not feeling good enough, unappreciated, taken advantage of, depressed, full of anxiety always worrying about failing or falling short..just plain, flat out unhappy and lacking what I know cherish most, my peace. Living that way my whole adult life eventually caught up with, as it ultimately will with everyone, and I suffered a huge emotional breakdown my last day at work back, which is also the day I quit. The workplace I was employed at affected me so greatly, and even after being advised from family, friends and even former co-workers to just leave, I stayed. I stayed because I felt comfortable, I knew what to expect every single day, including the disrespectful and sny remarks from co workers. I stayed because it fit my schedule as a single mother, having certain times I could work and in the field I was in at the time, the hours I HAD were unheard of and not many people were lucky Enough to receive such a flexible work schedule. So I traded my dignity, worth and emotional/mental health and overall well being for those hours, looking back.

Work wasn’t my only dilemma, of course. I had also personal problems, dealing with a very unhappy family (not my own children): Siblings and as great as my parents have been and ARE, them as well. My parents unintentionally treated me that way of course. I had also recently left a very abusive relationship where I dealt with not only physical abuse, but also verbal, emotional, financial and spiritual abuse and Was trying my best to move on as quickly as possible. Dealing with drinking, trying to numb out some of the pain, I was dealing with just a massive amount responsibility as a single mom taking care of her kids, living in fear of my life bc of my ex, taking on the emotional responsibility of my mother and sister, etc. On top of dealing with my own health issues and mental health. Depression , Anxiety, OCD to name a few. It wasn’t until one day (Yes, one VERY random day) I said : Enough is enough. It hasn’t occured to me, as silly as it sounds, until then, my mid 30’s, that you know what? THIS is not any way for anyone to live. I was like, “What about ME?” I MATTER too! I need love and support TOO! I need a break TOO! I need someone to listen to me as I cry TOO! I deserve to have my needs and wants met TOO! I deserve respect TOO! I deserve to be put first TOO! I remember the day and it was like a tsunami of emotions flooding the gate, it was overwhelming and all consuming. I remember, as well, having random flashbacks from my very blurry childhood that I didn’t realize at the time, were so far suppressed within me. I was angry. Appalled. I was FURIOUS and I felt like my life was a lie. And how could I have not even known? That’s crazy right? No. I know now that it was my body’s way of protecting myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues that NEEDED to be brought to light. Easy right? No. I had no idea I’d spend the next yr or so In isolation, due partly to depression, but also due to my anger and resentment I had developed after all the years towards very special people in my life.

Unanswered Prayers

First lines- Ever since she was a little girl, all she ever wanted was unconditional love. The kind of love that would move mountains and have no end.

'It takes courage to love. It also takes an unwavering commitment to truth to be able to show up for each inch of that process.

When I am honest about what I've yearned for all along, it is easier to seek it, source it, and give it.

My ability to receive love is matched by my ability to excavate the fears I have when it comes to Intimacy. I know that, as much as I want connection and partnership, I was taught to Hide. Each time I sweep my feelings under the rug, I resist being known.

I can't, and WON'T, wait around for someone to find me loveable, likeable, or worthy of commitment. If I've learned anything, it's that treating myself the way I want to be treated, is the surest, and only, way to attract the same from others.

I let others know that they have a home in my heart, but only their absolute desire to be there will unlock its door.

If my relationships/friendships can't be a portal to transformation, they won't last long. I promise to commit to partnerships that keep me honest.

There is nothing I need to add to myself in order to be worthy of receiving kindness. I refuse NO parts of myself. Every inch of me is worthy of love, compassion, kindness, and understanding.

Healing chooses me when it's good and ready. I can't force it to happen. And I love myself enough to know that nobody is coming to save me. My healing journey is mine, and mine to navigate.

Karma AT it's absolute finest was served on the very FIRST DAY OF 2024 too for a certain person I know. Today was Veda's 7th birthday, but this certain someone decided he had wanted to celebrate his way. All of my tires are now slashed, so as a result of that and not having the funds bc of back to back December birthdays and Christmas, I couldn't purchase tires, we couldn't take Veda out to celebrate her special day. She woke up to cops having to be called. My friends tires were also slashed, also this person stole my friend's debit card and car keys. I could go on and on but 6 charges currently, most definitely 7 when he is seen by a judge tomorrow or Wednesday. He admitted to cops he knew it was Veda's birthday, and that was how he chose to celebrate With trauma and memories I know she will never forget. I did my best to make her day that much more special, but my mommy heart can't stop aching for her. This person was also hiding in my laundry room outside for many hours before he was caught. This person also, yet again, violated the restraining order I have on him. I think this is the 5th time now. The system fails me and my children time and time again, he gets away with everything, all the time. And will continue to do so because he knows there will be no true consequences for it. This event was by far the most malicious and I am even more afraid now than I already was. Some may say that me posting this will make him retaliate. Yea...he mostly likely will. But I've been silent for 4 years, no communication with the person and he "retaliates"regardless. And since the court system won't serve justice, I'm talking it upon myself to reach out for help/advice. I've asked for guidance from Victims assistance, cops, and unfortunately something like my life has to be taken in order for anyone to take any REAL action. I can't afford a lawyer, it's not possible or ideal for me to move. This has been our family home for 15 years. Is there anyone, or even anyone who knows ANYONE, who can help me keep my children and I safe from this violent person? How, other than him talking my life, do I go about finding someone that will hold him accountable? Why is domestic violence treated like a minor issue that's not worth handling. He gets a slap on the wrist and a free pass to go back out into the world, basically allowing him another chance to "get me" again. This has been going on for years. Plz don't send negativity my way, and plz no judgement for my decision to take it to FB...just know bringing it here was truly my last resort.

Tonight we ended our night with pizza and ice cream and presents.. and even when we sung happy birthday to her, my whole heart was just breaking for her. She deserves the world. She is one of the sweetest souls I know. Please send me in any direction that will help us.