Like A Bird On The Wing

I love babies, I think perhaps down the line we may have another baby but maybe not. Maybe simply wanting one isn’t enough of a reason. There are lots of ways we can add to our family, and we have no extended family support, and I want to have at least two years of no breastfeeding or being pregnant before we make any decisions because I suspect once we’re out of baby mode we wouldn’t want to go back to it 😅. My current aim is that I don’t want to celebrate world breastfeeding week for 10 years in a row (on my 8th year).

I can breathe. It’s ok. The kids have had a wonderful time. It’s also a good reminder for me to remember that this relationship will always be complicated and probably never be what I need or want but I’m able to intermittently see them with lessening effects to my own well-being. I can take regular breaks, and regular dog walks with Stuart and Rudy and my children and my nephew get on very well and that’s an important relationship to keep intact.

We’re meant to be leaving today but I’ve already had an argument with them.

Dudes live in a 13 bedroom house and they can’t find a way to make us comfortable at Christmas? My sister and her partner and their one child have a self contained flat at the top of the house when they come and stay, with a living room and kitchen and separate bathroom.

I said to them the only way we can come for Christmas is if we actually have beds to sleep in. I never feel like anyone appreciates how much work goes into dragging a family of five and a dog across the country with presents and everything and we’re only going because they made me feel guilty because we said No originally. And now I’m feeling guilty again because the one thing I asked for hasn’t been done. I was thinking about bringing a camping bed but then Stuart pointed out it takes a while to self inflate, which changes our plan to drive late at night while the kids are asleep and also we are going to struggle for space with ALL the stuff we are bringing. All of this could be fine if I had parents who communicate but when I called up to ask exactly what beds they have for us so we know what to bring, my dad pipes up in the background to remind me that they’re massively going out of their way for us and basically that I should be grateful for whatever I get and then I burst into tears and hung up.

Still, I think we will try it for a term. We’ve never had childcare, apart from briefly a nanny for a few weeks when Jesse was 1yo. I don’t even think it’ll work but I think we need to explore it as an avenue and either it works and it’s great or it’s an idea that we put to bed.

Downsides are that we are currently unknown to our local education authority and this will put us on the radar. We were always going to get found out though. A term would give us a chance to do the essential things we need to do to the house. If they like it they can stay, if they don’t like it they can go. I expect it would be a slow and phased process anyway.

I’m scared though, that their natural curiosity and enjoyment of writing and drawing and playing will get stifled. I have questions about the SENDCO and to find out how many children at the school are neurodiverse as I’m fairly sure jesse is autistic and scout has adhd but I’m not going to mention it right now. I want to see if they’re clever enough at picking it up after a week or two. They probably won’t be because Jesse is so good at masking and they’ll think Scout is just a 4yo.

Friday we visit, the kids are keen, if it doesn’t work out we withdraw them. Man, I hate schools though. I love our kids being free to explore all the things they enjoy but the pandemic has really killed our vibe and the opportunities to socialise with people who aren’t into their Covid conspiracies has really diminished.

When the kids find a rock, they don’t like to play the game. They like to keep the rocks, which is not very community spirited but I also kind of like that they keep the rocks.

I think it’s because I don’t really like things that I consider pithy. I have an inner grinch. Maybe it’s jealousy, that some people are able to find small doses of happiness in little things when I find happiness so hard to come by. I felt the same way when everyone had rainbows in their windows, and now I have a strong desire to ruin the rocks game by making my own rocks which have obscenities on them. I will not do this. But I really want to. Stuart is the same way inclined.

My abuela wouldn’t have been great at this side of things though. She birthed 12 children, and from what my mum says she found the whole aspect of pregnancy and birth really traumatic. In terms of my whole family history actually, there’s a lot of reproductive issues and difficult births. My mum is one of 12, and my dad is one of 10. Sometimes I wonder if I’m carrying that generational trauma around.

I tried to explain to Jesse the concept of “not being able to pour from an empty cup”. He seemed a bit stressed out today.

Jesse: my cup isn’t just empty today, it’s always empty because SCOUT NEVER LEAVES ME ALONE HE TALKS SO MUCH

Scout: *outraged face* what, you mean ME? You never leave ME alone!

Jesse: you mean you want to be alone sometimes?

Scout: yes!

Jesse: .....oh. Should we have a pillow fight?

Then Stuart took Jesse upstairs to play minecraft together, and I could hear Jesse saying as he walked upstairs “yes this is a good idea this will definitely fill my cup”

They’re both doing really well with the adjustment. At least, they’re not holding anything in, which is amazing. Scout had such a huge meltdown last night, the biggest ever meltdown ever. It was because they did an Easter egg hunt and the prize at the end was not what he wanted, and also a friend of mine bought him hot wheels which he didn’t want either. It would have been better if he had no presents. Stuart took him to the 24hr Asda to pick a toy he liked. There’s a time for teaching them lessons, but we’ve got a bit of money put aside and if it has to go on stuff for the kids, we’re prepared for that.

While they were gone, I gave Jesse a bath, which he enjoyed. He loves water, and went to sleep quickly which he does when he’s relaxed. It’s hard though, we’re prioritising their feelings over our own right now which I think is a better idea in the long run but me and Stuart have our own big feelings and empty cups. My mum left yesterday, and she’s been really helpful but also I don’t find it easy to be around my family, and it was only when she left that me and Stuart could have a really big cry about just how hard it’s been.