Assorted fics

Chapter 1 - The Future by Spellling

Counting memories, passing time Fighting to keep my hope alive Close my eyes and I dream of you But there's nothing that I can do 'Cause I live in the future, future Too many years apart

A truly obvious pick to start off a time loop story, but it really nicely hits the sense of displacement Astarion is feeling when he first loops. I also like it a lot as a first track. It's soft and melancholy and haunting, but not entirely hopeless. The horns add a bit of energy to the song, while Spellling's soft and delicate voice shivers over them.

If the first song sets the tone for the whole playlist, then I think this introduces several musical themes we're going to hear over and over.

Chapter 2 - Chance by Angel Olsen

I'm walking through the scenes I'm sayin' all the lines I wish I could un-see some things that gave me life I wish I could un-know some things that taught me so I wish I could believe all that's been promised me

It's hard to say forever love Forever's just so far

We're continuing with longing. Like The Future, this is a love song, which is a appropriate for a fic that is a romance, but it's a love song that's so melancholy and yearning. And I was particularly drawn to this verse that describes the sense of dissociation and loneliness so well. As Astarion struggles in chapter 2 with exactly that sense of repetition, it felt extremely appropriate to pull on a song that foregrounds loneliness and isolation.

Also, since Karlach/Durge is the secondary pairing of the fic, I really like how these lyrics also hint at Durge's memory loss and the problems that will start to occur when they do remember who they are.

Musically, there are a lot of similarities between the future and chance, but I like how Angel Olsen's more powerful voice contrasts with Spellling's delicacy, and the swapping of horns for strings suggests a more sad and lonely vibe.

Chapter 3 - Send in the clowns by Frank Sinatra

Don't you love farce? My fault, I fear I thought that you'd want what I want Sorry, my dear!

The strings carry us out and bring us back in for song three. This is the chapter where Astarion and Tav briefly connect and then become even more distant, so a song that's about missed timing in love felt deeply appropriate.

On another level, this whole song is full of ironic understatement, which is so Astarion to me. I mentioned in my music headcanon post that I think he'd be a Sondheim fan, and this is exactly why. This is the one song that I can truly imagine Astarion actually saying the lines to. And if you know the story of the song, the line one who keeps tearing around, one who can't move feels so fitting as a description of the issues Astarion and Tav have tended to have.

Chapter 4 - Ghosts by Laura Marling

Opened up his little heart Unlocked the lock that kept it dark And read a written warning Saying "I'm still mourning over ghosts Over ghosts that broke my heart before I met you" Lover, please do not fall to your knees It's not like I believe in everlasting love

I think this might be the first song that's more Durge than Astarion. They are, after all, the Haunted One. But it's very appropriate for Astarion too, really, both in the sense of being haunted by his victims from his time under Cazador, and in this fic, being haunted by his memories of his first life and the way that he struggles to develop friendships in this timeline.

Musically, we're still right in the same zone as the previous songs, keeping a strong focus on a single singer backed with strings. Which is perhaps a little dull, though I love all of these artists and I think they all bring something unique to the table. It also fits the fic, which spends its first four chapters with Astarion feeling like he can't escape repetition and sameness.

Chapter 5 - The Place Where He Inserted the Blade by Black Country, New Road

Darling, the rest of my body It's yours, then I know you're scared Well, I'm scared too Oh, that every time I try to make lunch For anyone else, in my head I end up dreaming of you

We start with piano, and then horns, very much in keeping with what we heard from the previous tracks, but I think this track does introduce new elements to the playlist. Specifically the vocals get louder and grittier and angrier than the previous songs.

Narratively, I think this song applies super literally to a lot of what happens in the chapter. Astarion and Tav make up, having realised that trying not to be in love isn't working. I love that it uses darling in the chorus, very Astarion coded. And the phrase "the place where he inserted the blade" works as a fun reference to Raphael, who shows up at the end of the chapter to ruin everything. Which also fits nicely with the slightly more energetic and frustrated-sounding lyrics.

Chapter 6 - Adelaide by Requin Chagrin

Amour déchu, froissé et tordu Passion glacée partie en fumée La nuit est remplie de débris La lune ne retient pas la pluie Je ne remarque pas le ciel

Le jour tombe si tard

(Fallen love, crumpled, twisted Freezing passion, gone up in smoke The night is full of debris The moon doesn't hold back the rain

I don't notice the sky The day arrives so late)

I love how this song almost sounds upbeat when you start listening to it, and then shifts into something shoegaze-y and intensely bleak. It's a very short song, but full of despair, which Astarion spends all of chapter 6 wallowing in.

I've tried not to lean too heavily on star/moon references in this playlist, but "the moon doesn't hold back the rain" is such a great line, and it plays into Eilistraee's lunar connections. And I have kind of leaned into some day/night references in this playlist, and here's one of them. The day arrives so late indeed. Why, it's almost the name of the fic...

Chapter 7 - Sax Rohmer #1 by the Mountain Goats

And I am coming home to you With my own blood in my mouth And I am coming home to you If it's the last thing that I do

If I was hoping for any plausible deniability that I'm not just hitting the fanmix greats with this playlist, it went out the window as soon as I put the Mountain Goats on here. But look, the classics are classics for a reason.

This is the chapter where Astarion reads Tav's diary and resolves to rescue her from Avernus, and I really wanted a song that hits the feeling of missing someone and wanting to see them again, but with an edge of violence. And I truly, truly don't know a song that pulls off that feeling better than this one.

This is also another song that really works as a Durge song. Especially for some of their later stuff (chapter 13, for example). Our horrible little Bhaalspawn is all about the blood, after all.

Chapter 8 - Blue Bucket of Gold by Sufjan Stevens

Friend, why don't you love me? Once the myth has been told The lens deforms it as lightning Raise your right hand Tell me you want me in your life

This is the Durge + Astarion song for me. They both just need each other to be a friend when they're struggling! I also like the references to myths and lightning. Appropriately fantasy bullshit for a fantasy canon. And the way that all of Sufjan's songs are infused with a deeply religious tenor is super appropriate for a fic that has a lot about faith and gods in it.

Musically, we're right back to slow and sad. This fic has a musical comfort zone, as I think you can tell. Maybe it makes the playlist feel cohesive, maybe it makes it all sound a bit samey. Who am I to say?

Chapter 9 - Life During Wartime by Talking Heads, reinterpreted by DJ Tunez

You make me shiver, I feel so tender We make a pretty good team Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving You ought to get you some sleep

Burned all my notebooks, what good are notebooks? They won't help me survive My chest is aching, burns like a furnace The burning keeps me alive

I originally had the Talking Heads version on here, and obviously I do think that's a banger, but then I heard this cover, and I really loved its slower tempo, as well as the use of horns that links it to so many of the other tracks on this playlist.

Musically and narratively, I think this is a fun departure from the other songs. It's funky, it's smooth, it's not really about love, or at least not only. I like how this picks up on the feeling of a long campaign, which is another element of the story. I also like the way the lyrics I quoted link to the sense of connections of solidarity that Astarion has started to build at this point in the fic. And even though Astarion doesn't burn Tav's diary, I really like the lyric about notebooks, it's a fun connection. And this song, more than any of the others, is Karlach's song, since she is also such an important part of the fic.

Chapter 10 - Void by Melanie Martinez

Pipe down with the noise, I cannot bear my sorrow I hate who I was before I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow Someone tell me if this is Hell

The lyrics for this song are so wildly on point for the conversation Astairon and Tav have in chapter 12 that my jaw dropped when I found it. (I promise that that was after I had written and posted the chapter adkjfhajkdhf)

I originally had this as the chapter 12 song, but it's just a bit too bleak for the chapter where Tav and Astarion finally reconcile. So I thought I'd make it the soundtrack for chapter 10 instead, the chapter where these problems are on full display, even if the characters haven't voiced them yet.

Musically, this song is just a great mix of bleak and bop, and a really fun follow on from the DJ Tunez track. One of the things I love about making a story playlist is getting to find new music for it, and Melanie Martinez was a great discovery.

Chapter 11 - True Faith by New Order

I used to think that the day would never come I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun My morning sun is the drug that brings me near To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear

So, this song is not quite right. I love some of the lyrics, particularly I feel like I'm in motion, a certain sense of liberty, and I love the image of the sun rising and world changing, and being able to reclaim something you thought you'd lost. But. This is a song about getting that by taking drugs, and there is a really bleak, dark undercurrent to it when you listen closely. I've taken too much, of the things that cost you too much. Really, I think this is the song for Ascended Astarion. But I could not find anything (ANYTHING) that quite fit what I was going for. I wanted optimistic and upbeat and about rediscovering liberty and a sun metaphor, and nothing else fit. (If you know of anything, shout it out. Please.) And Ascended Astarion is also a character in this story, so eventually I just flung my hands up and left this song in.

Musically, this is as britpop as it gets, a fun twist on the very singer/songwriter heavy vibes of this playlist.

Chapter 12 - Heavy Seas of Love by Damon Albarn

Heavy seas of love, radiance is in you As above, so below on the heavy seas of love Heavy seas of love, we come together in you Counting out the new moons on the heavy seas of love

More britpop, Specks? Alas, yes. I had a loose idea of putting a Gorillaz track somewhere on this playlist, thinking vaguely of On Melancholy Hill, but this track was the one that deeply grabbed me.

There's something about the phrase heavy seas of love that really speaks to me about the weight of what it means to love someone, which is what chapter 12 is all about, and then on top of that "radiance is in you" is such a lovely description of the way that Tav and Astarion see each other. Plus, another new moon reference.

Musically, we're not leaving the zone, but I do think Brian Eno being on this song adds a little something special to it.

Chapter 13 - Souvenir by Bump of Chicken

[English translation of the lyrics:

Where did we come from, where did we go, on this journey to find each other?

I know nothing of your yesterday, or your tomorrow, on this way home

How many times have you smiled at me through the downpour?

From a world further away than the moon, I've followed you home]

From britpop to jrock. Truly the wildest swing this playlist takes, and it's to an anime opening. And not just any anime, but Spy x Family, lol. I do actually love this song, though, and I love how hopeful this song is. It felt nice to lean into something so sincerely sweet and optimistic after how heavy most of the playlist was.

Also, this song just felt appropriate for both a Karlach/Durge song and a Tav/Astarion song, as well as being readable as an Astarion and Durge song. I love the metaphor of memories becoming souvenirs of the journey it takes to get home, as well as the idea of home being people rather than a place. All strong themes of the fic as a whole. Oh, and more moon references.

Chapter 14 - Over and Over by Beach House

Out of nothing comes the moonglow And all that is left (and all that is left) Around you When all the lights go down

One by one, they open Forever and ever

This was the first song I chose for the playlist, and for a while it was the opening track, but eventually I decided that it was more fitting as an ending, not a start.

Over and over is the theme of the whole story, in a way. What it means to repeat your life. I love how tender and soft this song is, how it makes repetition into something beautiful. And it's a song about stars - what a fitting end to a story about Astarion.

Narratively, the tenderness of this song also fits for me with the choice he makes, to risk repeating a third time in order to be honest with his friends about what he's been through.

Chapter 15 - Nessun Dorma by Luciano Pavarotti

[English translation of lyrics]

Set, stars! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

Could there be any other final track for this playlist? Musically, a pun on the theme of repetition, since this is the song that named the first fic in the series. It also fits for a chapter that covers so much of the time period of that first fic.

Shadowheart’s daemon is a wolf. She is afraid of her daemon. You don’t understand how anyone can be afraid of their own daemon, but she is. When she finally talks to you about Shar, she explains that Shar sees daemons as sinful. In a religion focused on darkness and loss, how could there be space for a constant companion, a part of your soul that you can see and talk to? Followers of Shar collar their daemons, and when they truly ascend through the ranks of the cult, that becomes a permanent shackle. Their daemons are essentially killed, made placid and tranquil and unthinking. You feel a shiver run through you at the very thought of it, and you feel deeply sorry for Skiateros, who follows Shadowheart so patiently, who licks her hand when it hurts, but who never speaks. You only hear his voice for the first time after the Nightsong is freed. It is low and rumbling, as he backs up Dame Aylin’s words, confirming the truth of what was done to them. Shadowheart kneels down and buries her face in his thick, black fur, and you want to cry.

Gith daemons are as strange to look at as their other halves are, an observation Lae’zel is quick to make in reverse. You don’t know the name for what Lae’zel’s Kssaru is. He is reptilian, perhaps unsurprisingly, but more cat shaped than lizard shaped. He has a fine ridge of spines down his back and beautiful blue scales, and he tempers Lae’zel’s fierceness with patient observation and thoughtful consideration. Lae’zel tells you that gith who please Vlaakith and achieve Ascension have their daemons turned into dragons. But even before you find out the real story, Kssaru seems hesitant about the idea. He does not need to be a dragon to be deadly, as you discover when he spits poison at your enemies. When Lae’zel turns her back on Vlaakith he sits at her side and tells her stories of brave warriors, bolstering her courage.

You might expect Gale to have a cat daemon, since his best friend is a tressym, but he doesn’t. As you walk away from his portal, you realise that tucked in against his neck, blending in with his hair is a small orb of a bird. A wren. She is sweet voiced and cheerful, and a compelling reason for Gale to stay out of the range of enemies as much as possible, though he would never let her come to harm. At first Galatea seems like an odd choice of daemon for someone like Gale. So small and inconspicuous and unassuming. It’s only as you get to know him better that you see the irony of it - both the legends of the wren, king of the birds, that made her the perfect choice for someone of his ambition, and the way that her plainness exacerbates that ambition, makes both her and him even more desperate to prove themselves special. When the orb in his chest gets bad Galatea starts to look very strange, her being fraying to darkness around the edges, until Gale eats an artifact and stabilises them again. If Gale chooses to ascend, Galatea vanishes. Gods do not have daemons. She never gets to be part of what he becomes. If he doesn’t, then she settles happily back into their tower home, where the windows let her fly as far and high as she can without straining the bond, and she and Tara can play little games of chase when Gale is cooking.

Astarion’s daemon is a dog. A plain, mid-sized brown dog. She wags her tail amicably and doesn’t seem particularly bright. Astarion’s daemon is a dog right up until you wake up with him hovering over you, fangs bared, and realise that the snake curled around his neck is Citheris, and now there is nothing stupid-looking about her at all. Vampires’ daemons regain the power of shapeshifting, and Citheris has been every form imaginable. Adept at seduction, she can be a beautiful slinky white cat, or a charming raven, or a sharp-eyed fox. You will learn, eventually, that she does not remember what form she originally settled in. The two hundred years of torture washed it away. It becomes dreadfully easy to guess how Cazador used her to torture Astarion, hurting her to hurt him. Touching her himself, the vilest transgression you can possibly imagine. In universes where Astarion ascends, Citheris takes on grand, powerful forms: dragon, lion, unicorn. Majestic and fantastic beasts. If he stays a spawn, she begins to spend more and more time as a porcupine. Astarion complains that he has to be careful not to roll over onto her when he sleeps, but you watch him pet her gently when he thinks no one is looking, scratching under her chin where she likes it best.

When Wyll bounds over the wall outside the grove, it is on the back of Patricia, his huge and splendid horse daemon. The long white hair that covers her hooves is in beautiful contrast with the glossy chestnut of her hide, and her deep brown eyes are as serious and kind as Wyll’s. Later, you will find out that the warlock pact protects her from mortal injury unless Wyll himself is killed, making it safe for him to take her into battle. It binds her too, a golden bridle and bit in echo of Mizora’s jewellery, an insult to her wild splendour. Horse daemons are rare in a city as dense and chaotic as Baldur’s Gate, but Wyll never acts as though the restrictions Patricia places on his life are any burden. If anything, he seems happy that the form she settled in gave him another excuse to justify leaving the city and embarking on his career as the Blade of Frontiers. And Patricia never complains when Wyll asks her to carry his backpack. She is the equal of any burden. It is terrible to see Mizora touch her, though she only ever touches the bridle, not Patricia’s fur. Even that is too much. One more reason to long for Wyll’s pact to be broken.

Karlach’s daemon is a thing of beauty and terror. Once, Brant tells you, he was a goose, with a brown back and a dark head. Then Zariel did her experiments, and he became a pheonix. It only compounds the tragedy that Karlach’s suffering made him resplendent. He is gold and red and orange, always ablaze. He need never fear that anyone will break the taboo, because Karlach is the only one who can touch him. Even after Dammon repairs her heart, Brant remains shimmering and aloof. When Dammon warns Karlach of her impending death, Brant asks whether his change means something. “We die and return, don’t we?” he says plaintively. “That’s what a pheonix does. So maybe we’ll get to come back.” But daemons do not work like that. If Karlach does not return to Avernus, he burns with her, and leaves no egg behind. And you miss him forever, kind, brave Brant with his fine tenor voice and his playful humour. Better that they go back to Avernus, where his white hot flames scour hordes of devils and demons, until Karlach finds her cure.

Halsin’s daemon is a bear, of course. She vanishes when Halsin wildshapes into a bear, though you wonder if really it is the man who disappears, and the daemon who becomes complete. Halsin fears the taboo less than others, and when Thaniel is rescued, you see him curled up against Mara’s warm side, her long-clawed paws folded lightly over him. She licks him a few times for good measure, like any fond mother with a cub.

Equally as predictable is Halsin is Minthara, whose daemon could never be anything but a spider. And she is female. Minthara is too firm a believer in drow heirarchies to accept anything else. Ven’vera is deadly poisonous, and beautiful once you look past the initial terror. She is such a stereotype that you almost roll your eyes at it, but she is also one of the few open displays of tenderness that Minthara allows herself. To love a daemon is to love oneself, after all, and that is a virtue for the matriarchs of Menzoberranzan.

Timaeon, Jaheira’s daemon, is a huge and splendid vulture. Plain brown in colouring, but so large that he could never be missed. Though age has dimmed the lustre of his feathers, his eyes are as sharp and bright as ever. He is a survivor, like Jaheira herself, practical and adaptable. He soars over the battlefield, able to go much further from her side than most daemons can, and calls out targets to her when she is engaged. And you learn quickly that you can get on his good side, and thereby Jaheira’s, by offering him slivers of meat from dinner.

As for Minsc, if he has a daemon other than Boo, you never see it. It’s possible that he does, if his daemon is also a rodent, or an insect, or some other small creature. It’s possible that Boo is his daemon, and that the brain damage made him see the hamster as a separate creature. Or it’s possible that the damage done to him destroyed his daemon, and that Boo has chosen, in some way, to serve as a replacement. It’s not a question you can ever ask, and so you never truly know.

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You can also read this on a03 if you like.