The quiet small words.

It took me a long time to realize that I was not the problem

That it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough

Or smart enough

Or brave enough

Or pretty enough

Or even loud enough

No –

It took me a really long time to realize it wasn’t me, but the way I had been socialized

I hate the game Never Have I Ever.

I always win.

Which, is losing really,

Because there isn't much interesting about the girl who’s done nothing.

It’s isolating and humiliating and -

It’s just a game.

Never have I ever had sex.

Never have I ever been kissed.

Never have I ever held hands.

Never have I ever been in love.

In fact, the closest thing I ever got to love was an awkward slow dance in 8th grade where I made more eye contact with my friend dancing next to me than the boy I was dancing with.  

And I know it’s just a game, but the game ends,

And people look at me,

They say, “Don’t worry, it will happen for you!”

They say, “But you’re so beautiful, someone will love you!”

But I don’t need encouragement from strangers.

I don’t need false promises of future romances.

I don’t need pity compliments or your exaggerated second syllables-

“But you’re so beauuutiful!”

I know.

I never thought I wasn’t.

What I need, is for Never Have I Ever to not be a “thing”.

I need there not to be societal expectations for sexual experiences categorized by age.

I need self-acceptance to be more important than acceptance by anyone else.

I need to not be driven to sneak shots of cheap alcohol in my dorm before going to a frat so that I’m brave enough to hook up with someone.  

I need to not need to be drunk to do anything.

I need to not then come back disappointed and unkissed because rowdy college boys filled with warm, flat beer and overinflated egos is not who I want to be kissing anyways.   

I am 19 years old, and never have I ever been kissed.

And this chastity, is not some purity contract I’ve made with God.

No, it’s because I don’t open up much for anything.

I hide behind big words and beautiful cadences.

I hide behind busy schedules and lots of ambition.

“I don’t have time for love,” I say.

“I’m not sure how to love,” I mean.

There isn’t much you can keep to yourself these days,

But your hands, your lips, your body, your heart -

You can.

I do not kiss random frat boys,

Or flirt with strangers

Because I am not perforated paper,

Ready to be ripped into pieces and given out on the streets.

I am a whole person.

I want a whole person.

And I don’t mean a virgin, or pure person -

I mean someone who doesn’t love in pieces.

I want butterflies and stolen glances and inside jokes.

I want a boy who loves me as much as I love myself.

I want to love him as much as he loves himself.

When I play Never Have I Ever I get jealous of late night booty calls,

And people who have “things” with other people.

I forget who I am and what I really want.

I forget that getting drunk so that I can clap and put a finger down is the stupidest thing-

Ever.

I forget that a “thing” with someone isn’t love,

It isn't fulfilling.  

I forget that my lips are mine and that I don’t have to share them with anyone just because of how old I am.

I forget that what I am,

Who I am,

What I’ve done,

Is enough.

I am a whole person.

My self worth is not the sum of the boys I have held hands with,

The boys I have kissed,

The boys I have had sex with,

The boys I love.

Nor is it the difference of the ones I haven’t.

I am 19 years old.

I am a good person.

I am a beautiful person.