I read a post and decided to make a separate post about it but it was about the rebellious phase teenagers go through and how invalidating it is that parents write off the phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger. And it got me thinking, because I never really had thatĀ ārebellious phase of irrational anger.ā The more I think about it, the more I think itās because my parents never treated me like they expected me to rebel.
This has less to do with abusive parents (which was the point of that post and also the reason Iām making a new one) and more to do with the way western society in particular fosters parental expectations when kids reach adolescence. Because even kids who had previously good relationships with their parents sometimes hit really tumultuous times in adolescence, and I donāt think it is all hormonal.
Thereās this real self-fulfilling prophecy with the relationship between parents and teens. Parents are told by their peers and elders (esp. THEIR parents) to āexpect hellā when their kids reach adolescence. I remember my mom telling me once, right around the time I turned 13, that someone at her office said to her āuh oh, buckle in, this is when things get rough!ā in reference to my being a teenager. My mom kind of shrugged it off and told me āIāve never understood people who want their kids to stay kids forever. You guys are more interesting every year older you get. Youāre becoming your own people.ā
And that was that. My parents didnāt TELL me I was about to get rebellious and nasty to them, because they didnāt expect it of me. They told me I was becoming an interesting young person with my own thoughts and ideas. And because they didnāt expect me to be suddenly rebellious, they treated me like what I was: an interesting young person with my own thoughts and ideas. Someone who maybe still needed help with a few things now and then but by and large, they set expectations and gave me reasonable explanations for them, and I followed those expectations because they made sense.Ā
My brother and I never had a curfew, for instance. Instead, my parents always just said, ālet us know if youāre going to be out late so we donāt worry about you,ā with the additional explanation that thatās something you should always do for the people who you share a house with, as a courtesy. They also modeled the behaviors themselves: we would leave a chair with a note in it by the front door if we were going out somewhere so anyone coming home while we were gone would know where we wereāthis was in the age before cell phones, you understandāand that meant my parents did it for us kids too. After all, if they wanted to know where we were so they wouldnāt worry about us, it was just as important that we know where they were so we wouldnāt worry about them. Our feelings were treated with the same courtesy as theirs. They respected us, so we respected them.Ā
When boundaries needed setting there were some rocky conversations, sure, and my mom and I are STILL on occasionally rocky ground when it comes to my weight/eating habits, but generally we came to reasonable conclusions. And I never ārebelledā because I didnāt have to. I wanted alcohol, my dad wouldāve let me try his fancy beer (I never wanted it because it stank, and I still donāt, but I couldāve tried it if Iād wanted to). I had questions about sex, my mom explained things clinically and asked if I had any questions. I wanted to wear makeup, my momās only request was I save my allowance and buy my own instead of stealing hers. I wanted to dye my hair ridiculous colors? My mom hated it but always told meĀ āItās your hair,ā (and I honestly think half the reason she hated it so much was I ruined a lot of her nice towels).Ā
My parents accorded me with the freedoms I was naturally seeking with the expectation that I would be responsible with those freedoms, and because they expected me to be responsible, I justā¦was.
Iām not saying that will work with everyone of course, but I think thereās something to be said for creating an atmosphere of expectation too. If parents begin tightening the reins in anticipation of rebellion (as they are told to do), they are paradoxically providing teenagers with something to rebel against.
Start treating your teenager like a prisoner, and theyāll start trying to escape prison.
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