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We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real–but you create the context. And the context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

He never cared about the book you’re reading or the characters in it. He doesn’t care about the movie you watched that made you cry your eyes out. He doesn’t care about how tired you are because you stayed up late studying for your exam. He doesn’t care about your favorite song and how the words speak what you can’t say. He doesn’t get butterflies when your fingers accidentally brush over his. He doesn’t see a home in your beautiful brown eyes. He only cares about the outline of your body. He only cares about getting what he wants from you. He only cares about what you’re wearing tonight. He only talks to you to know if you’re alone. He only talks to you when its after dark. He doesn’t know what love is, silly girl. All he knows is lust.

Watch sunsets with me, tell me I’m important. Tell me I mean something to this world. Show me what happiness means to you. Make art with me. Listen to nothing with me. Pour your soul into mine. I want to hear your hearts thoughts.

REPEAT AFTER ME: ‘My current situation is not my final destination’

Very few times I ask for help, or a shoulder to lean on or simply someone to listen and I rarely get it and it’s fine. It’s something I’ve become used to. I give a lot of time and energy to others and it’s rarely reciprocated. Maybe it’s because I give the impression that I’m strong, so people never ask if I’m okay, and then when I distant myself as a means to help myself through my problems, people complain. I’m not okay btw.