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Rel Gumson ate a cat and skinned her dog SPRINGFIELD — National media reports have citizens worried that Haitian migrants are prowling the streets, kidnapping family pets and grilling them in voodoo rituals. Local police are yet to file any charges, and have made an official statement that the story is a hoax. However, some Americans are now emboldened to speak out about the benefits to eating…

Hackers from Anonymous shut down Musk’s interview with Trump as part of #OperationKamala INTERNET — Fans of Elon Musk and Donald Trump were unable to tune into the much anticipated 𝕏 Spaces show after Musk reported a distributed denial of service (DDOS) attack on his social media site 𝕏, Monday night. Representatives from the hacker collective Anonymous took credit for “Operation Kamala,” and…

INTERNET — Professor Avi Loeb of Harvard University believes that the world’s financial markets are at extreme risk of extraterrestrial control. Loeb put on a fiery TED talk, dazzling audiences with his bombastic claims. Screaming and shouting while marching across the stage, Loeb’s presence resembled Elvis, “It’s estimated this entity, Satoshi Nakamoto, is worth $70 billion. We don’t know who it…

INTERNET — President Biden was rushed from his Delaware campaign headquarters to Walter Reed Medical Center Monday evening, after what a White House spokesperson called a “medical emergency.” President Biden passed away shortly after being placed on ventilator, presumably due to respiratory failure. The American military mourns the loss of their commander-in-chief, with flags across the nation…

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of…

INTERNET — Joshua Moon was banned from X on the D-Day anniversary after insulting veterans and the freedoms they fought to protect. Moon’s company Final Solutions LLC operates Kiwi Farms, an internet gossip site known for abandoning all responsibility in publishing. So long as the material isn’t criminal, he’ll publish it. The loss of this X account dealt Null a mortal blow, and he’s been posting…

INTERNET — Former Trump administration White House staffer, Lisa Thornby, told reporters Friday that Donald Trump has been hiding a wide-ranging and outrageous porn addiction for decades, as well as financial and creative involvement in the production of scores of lewd videos. Trump’s recent conviction for hush money payments to Stormy Daniels’ implies an ongoing habit of hiring pornstars as…

FACEBOOK — A secret FISA court hearing within the Deep State found President Trump innocent on all charges, Thursday. The judge, whose name has been expunged from all records, ordered Deep State officials to investigate and bring sedition charges against the Biden administration for having framed President Trump and stolen the election. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, secret service neurotechnologist,…

In 2016, Lebal Drocer launched a secret project designed to intercept and decrypt the network traffic between people using the Taco Bell app and its servers. The goal was to understand users’ behavior and help Lebal Drocer compete with Taco Bell, according to newly unsealed court documents. Lebal Drocer called this “Project Gutbusters,” in a clear reference to Taco Bell’s reputation for causing…

All my homies love Cobra. We tell Goth Dangerfield jokes to each other around the office while drinking coffee. I take my lunch break and strap his latest streams into the video editor and throw together a few mashup episodes of Star Trek, so what about it?  Then we all go back to our journalism. We’re writing the first draft of history and lording our power over you sick freaks. You can all get…

INTERNET — Wednesday, economists noticed that all of the world’s debt is held by a group of less than one hundred people who all hate each other and are bickering with each other like some despicable and dysfunctional high school class. Kim Jong Un leads the Eurasian faction, while Elon Musk is by far the most popular of all posters. Tuesday, Anonymous hackers leaked telegram chats unveiling the…

  In a rare wholesome moment, Jessica Boyle reveals a hickey under Josh Saunders’ stylish dog collar. INTERNET — Jessica Boyle, 39 of Virginia Beach, Virginia, claims that the FBI are investigating a terroristic threat at Casper/Natrona International from her bathtub, live on YouTube. Hate comments flood the chat and are swatted down. Each day the moderators ban hundreds and even thousands of…

NEW YORK—A government investigation into a Boeing 737 Max 27 plane’s door-plug blowout has been hampered by a lack of repair records and security camera footage, the National Transportation Safety Board’s chair told US senators. Boeing was “unable to find the records” and told the NTSB that the security camera footage was overwritten. “To date, we still do not know who performed the work to open,…

MUANG NGOI, Laos—Terry had come to see. The air turned sweet. Soon it would be nightfall. The forest was a canopy of shadows and rising tension, the awakening of howling beasts. Terry had driven across the country to reach this remote river village, and now he was finally here, looking to the top of the hill, ready to confront the person he believed had fraudulently clicked more advertisements…

NEW YORK—A government investigation into a Boeing 737 Max 27 plane’s door-plug blowout has been hampered by a lack of repair records and security camera footage, the National Transportation Safety Board’s chair told US senators. Boeing was “unable to find the records” and told the NTSB that the security camera footage was overwritten. “To date, we still do not know who performed the work to open,…

Terry had come to see. The air turned sweet. Soon it would be nightfall. The forest was a canopy of shadows and rising tension, the awakening of howling beasts. Terry had driven across the country to reach this remote river village, and now he was finally here, looking to the top of the hill, ready to confront the person he believed had fraudulently clicked more advertisements than anyone in…