rotten

it's growing

the anxiety

the self loathing

it's always there

but tonight it festered

and now it's overwhelming me

I tried to off myself in my dreams

and even there it did not work

I tried and tried

and I was scared when I realised it didn't work

sure when I woke up I was relived but for a split second there was an outlet in sight

I was so close

and then I was dragged back into this misery

It should have worked

I had such a lovely evening

and I will not let it be ruined by my doubts

I was welcome I was wanted

I've felt validated and protected

I was part of something

and you cannot take that away

I had fun

and I deserve not to worry whether it was genuine

the companionship I felt

I will not let you take it

my soul is rubbed raw

I have no other choice but to bleed

I am a house

and this termites called depression

are eating away at my foundation

when I die

tattoo all my poems on my body

so finally someone will know the whole story

it was a world deafening sadness

that washed over me today

and suddenly the rails were coaxing me

the wind so feral, so beautiful

was calling me

I wanted to answer

destroying myself cause it's the only thing I am good at

keeping my ties thin

so when the time has come

I am a black widow

I want to consume

I am devoid of all affection

there is nothing to lose

in death

in the absolute

while in life

you behold all the possibilities

the closer my birthday gets

the sadder I become

the failures of my life

overwhelm me

mock me

I let them get too close

the memories of my absence

I let them get too close

the ghosts of my past

I never know why I even bother wishing it was different

from all those other years that

I hoped things would get better

and why do I repeatedly find myself hoping

that I might find joy in life after all

and meanwhile

I slowly find myself doubting

one hundred fifty posts

and ten years later

and I'm still depressed

but at least I made it this far

at least I get to tell myself

over and over

You already died a hundred times in my mind

I grieved and grieved

I shed a thousand tears

but your still alive

and I'll just keep punishing myself

there are so many reasons to hate myself

so many tiny reasons

once I hated myself for no reason at all

but now I cannot count the amount of situations where

I could have done better

the amount of times when

I could have been a better person

and I cannot stop worrying

how long this is going to haunt me

I don't wanna be perfect

I just wanna be me

and sadly the real me