SoulessJourney

Death and smoke fill your lungs. A sticky substance clings to your skin, though at this point, you're unsure if it’s yours or someone else’s. Metal clashes against metal, and your hands sting from both the vibration and the rawness caused by gripping the sword's hilt. You pivot on your foot, turning quickly to keep up with your opponent, your blades moving at lightning speed. Then, you feel a foot slam into your stomach, sending you flying backward across the rough brick ground. The surface tears into your skin like tiny knives, shredding your clothes in the process.

You scramble to your feet, your eyes darting around for your attacker. Instead, they land on a blue glow and dark hair. Azriel. But before you can process this, a sharp pain stabs your side. Gasping, you turn and plunge your sword into your attacker, your eyes blazing with fury. You lock onto the wide eyes of your victim just as another sharp pain strikes your stomach. Looking down, you see something silver protruding from your abdomen.

Green wisps shoot out from you, your lip curling as blood dribbles from the corner of your mouth. You drive the sword deeper into him as he begins to gag, foam forming at the edges of his mouth. You watch as he collapses to the ground, clawing at his neck before eventually falling still. Staggering back, you wince at the ever-growing burn in your abdomen, the green wisps swirling as if seeking something.

You fall back against the crumbling building behind you, sliding down the wall as you tilt your head back, feeling the weight of your exhaustion. Your vision blurs, your mind hazy, as you clutch your stomach, finding it harder and harder to keep your eyes open. A red glow catches your attention, and someone sprints toward you, dropping to their knees, unsure hands hovering over your wound.

“Cassian?” Your voice is frail, barely a whisper. If your mother could hear you now, she’d be laughing in pure disappointment.

Cassian smiles down at you and gently brushes the hair from your face. “Hey there, Bug. Hang on for me, alright? Azriel is coming.” You smile at the nickname he gave you when you were younger, back when you had an obsession with ladybugs.

Nodding, you close your eyes and lean into him. “It hurts, Cass,” you mumble, wincing as you shift, trying to find some comfort.

“I know, I know. But you did such a good job,” he whispers, combing your hair back before pressing his hands firmly against your wound to stem the bleeding.

The world around you seems to darken, and you glance up to meet the eyes of your mate. Smiling weakly, you reach out to him. “Hey, Az,” you whisper as your eyes flutter closed. His horrified expression tells you everything—the wound isn’t something that can be easily fixed. In other words, it’s a "you might die" kind of wound. Joy.

Azriel looked pale, and you didn’t miss the way his eyes widened. He gently pulls you toward him, holding you close as his thumb strokes softly across your cheek. His gaze darts around frantically before locking onto Cassian.

“We need to get her back. She’s not going to survive. Let Rhys and the others know,” he says, urgency clear in his voice.

Leaning into him, you feel the comforting embrace of his shadows surrounding you. Your eyes grow heavy, and before long, sleep overtakes you.

Azriel paced around the room as you lay motionless in the bed. Every glance at you gnawed at his heart, guilt consuming him. His shadows hadn't left your side, hovering as if trying to heal you somehow. His pacing came to an abrupt stop when his brothers and Madja entered the room. Azriel didn’t miss the more somber expressions they wore, and even Madja's eyes seemed duller than before.

He turned to them, desperation shining in his gaze. “Well? What did Madja say?” he asked, his voice tight with anxiety. Cassian and Rhysand exchanged a look, as if communicating silently. Cassian nodded, then pursed his lips before facing Azriel.

“Well, there’s a chance Y/N could make it,” Cassian said gently.

Azriel felt as though his ears were ringing. A chance. Just a chance that you might wake up and survive. It wasn't a guarantee, only a possibility. His frustration boiled over. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can’t we do something to wake her? If not, why did we even bring her back?” he spat, his shadows retracting toward him, draping over his shoulders like a dark cape.

Madja shook her head as she finished changing the dressing on your wounds. “We’ve done all we can, boy. It's her fight now. I suggest you stay here—if she wakes, the first thing she’ll want is her mate,” Madja said, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. “You need to be there for her, as she has been for you countless times.”

With that, she nodded to the brothers and quietly left the room, the door clicking softly behind her.

Azriel clenched and unclenched his fists, glaring at the ground. Cassian, already knowing what his brother was about to say, gently gripped his shoulder. “It’s not—”

“But it is my fault," Azriel snapped. "She wanted to stay behind and protect Feyre and the others, and I convinced her to come because I couldn’t bear to be away from her for so long. She was unsure of her skills, and I talked her into it. I’m to blame for all of this. I almost got my mate killed.” He spun, his gaze shifting between his brothers and you.

Rhysand sighed, pushing off the wall he had been leaning against. “Az, Cassian’s right. You can’t blame yourself for this. Y/N was already set on coming. She talked to me about it—she was worried about you and didn’t want to leave you stranded in battle while she stayed behind.”

Azriel let out a low growl, his siphons flashing, causing Cassian to tense. “Either way, I couldn’t protect her. And now look at her—she’s fighting for her life, and I don’t know if she’ll ever wake up.” He stepped closer to you, sinking into the chair beside your bed and gently taking your hand. “Just give me some time alone. I need to think while still being here for her,” he whispered, his eyes fixed on your chest, searching for any sign of your shallow breathing.

Cassian opened his mouth to respond, but Rhysand placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. Silently, Cassian closed his mouth, turned on his heel, and walked out of the room, Rhysand following close behind. The door clicked shut, leaving Azriel alone in the deafening silence.

Azriel let his eyes trace over your face, as if committing every feature, every imperfection to memory. Gently, he ran his fingers through your hair and pressed his lips to the back of your hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should’ve stayed by your side, like you asked. I shouldn’t have fought with you about it. You needed me, and I turned my back on you, and this is the result.”

He felt like a danger to you. Even if you survived, he believed he would only continue to put you in harm's way. You could never have a peaceful life with him. All he wanted was for you to be safe and happy, but he’d failed when it mattered most. You were his entire universe, and yet he couldn’t protect you. He had convinced himself that by staying by his side, you would never be safe—that he didn’t deserve you, not if it meant you ended up like this.

The door creaked open, and Elain poked her head in, glancing around. Stepping in, she cleared her throat softly. “Oh, Azriel, I didn’t realize you’d be here. I thought you were still with Madja and the others,” she said gently. Noticing his gaze on the moon lilies, she smiled and approached the table next to your bed. “Moon lilies. They were her favorite. For a while, I thought she was going to take over the whole garden with them. Luckily, I talked her into taking over the area by the pond. It’s beautiful with the flowers there,” Elain said, smiling down at you.

Azriel looked up at Elain, his expression unreadable. Letting go of your hand, he stood and cleared his throat. “Speaking of the flowers, I saw you loading the cart earlier. I assume you’re making rounds around Velaris to hand them out. Would you like some help?” he asked, his voice even.

Their eyes met, and Elain studied him for a moment, as if searching for the intent behind his offer. After a brief hesitation, she nodded and motioned toward the door.

You pace around the room, your leathers hugging you tightly. Nesta had spent hours wrestling with your hair, her shaky hands finally managing to braid it back. She’d have a fit if she saw the strands that had already fallen loose. Chewing on your nail, your gaze snaps to Azriel, who watches you from the bed. “I don’t know about this, Az. We still don’t know what I’m capable of. What if I hurt the wrong person?” you ask, your pacing quickening slightly.

Azriel huffs as he continues sharpening Truth-Teller. “Stop worrying so much. It’s war, Y/N. Accidents are going to happen. You can’t always prevent them. One day, you’ll have to face the reality of what you can do and accept it. I can’t always be there to shield you from the harsh truths.” His tone is sharp, and it brings you to an abrupt halt.

“I’m not asking you to shield me, Azriel. I’m asking you to be there if I lose control,” you push back, crossing your arms over your chest. Azriel tenses at the use of his full name.

Setting the dagger in his lap, he turns to face you. “And I can’t do that. My place is by Rhysand’s side, and you know that. I can’t abandon him just to keep you safe all the time. This is your chance to learn how to handle things on your own for once.”

A dry laugh escapes you, and you throw your hands up in frustration. “I never asked you to abandon him, Azriel! You were the one who insisted I come with you—especially when we don’t know what I’m capable of or that I can’t control these abilities yet. So, I’m sorry if I’m a little scared,” you say, your voice catching.

Azriel scoffs as he stands, gathering his things. “Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out, Y/N. And if not, just don’t die. We don’t need more problems weighing down the court.” His words hit you like a blow, leaving you speechless, your mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Taking your silence as an answer, Azriel turns his back and walks out of the room, leaving you standing there, staring at the door.

Your eyes snap open as a rush of air fills your lungs. Choking, you cough violently, feeling a hand on your back, rubbing soothing circles. Your body tenses at the unfamiliar touch, and you instinctively jerk back, putting distance between yourself and the unknown figure.

“Hey, hey, it’s me. It’s okay,” a familiar voice reassures. As your vision clears, you find yourself face to face with Cassian, his frown deepening at your reaction.

Relaxing slightly, you offer him a small smile and shift back into your original position. “Where’s Azriel?” you ask, noticing something flicker in his eyes, though you can’t quite identify the emotion. Maybe you weren’t fully awake enough to process it. Glancing around the room, you spot a few vases of dead flowers and a subtle change in the decor. Confusion clouds your face. “Cassian, how long have I been asleep?”

Cassian clears his throat, looking away as he gathers his thoughts. “It’s been about ten months,” he finally says.

It feels like a jolt of electricity surges through you. Ignoring his protests, you slide out of bed and limp toward the window. “Ten months? How—what—there’s no way,” you mutter, staring at your reflection in the glass. You turn your head from side to side, inspecting your appearance. Your face had slimmed significantly, and your eyes were slightly sunken. You still looked like yourself, but there was something off, something different. “Cassian, where is Azriel? Is he on a mission?”

Cassian sighs, running a hand over his face as he averts his gaze once again. “It’s better if I show you rather than tell you,” he mutters, glaring toward the door. “Get cleaned up, and once you’re ready, we’ll head downstairs,” he says, moving to sit on one of the couches. “I’ll wait here. Take your time.”

Nodding slowly, you turn toward the bathroom and walk in to bathe. You were somewhat clean, but it was clear they had only managed to wash the areas they could reach with a small towel. At least they had taken care of you, in some way. Stepping into the bath, you sink into the water, staring blankly at the wall. Ten months. You had been in that state for ten months, leaving your family to wait and worry.

Your thoughts drift to Azriel. Why hadn’t he been there when you woke? Why did the other end of the bond feel so empty and cold?

Sucking in a deep breath, you tug on the bond, holding it tight as you wait for a response. But when none comes, your heart clenches. Panic sets in as you hurriedly finish bathing and dressing. Throwing the door open, you face Cassian. “Has something happened to Azriel? Is he alright?”

Cassian lets out a dry snort and stands. “Yeah, something happened,” he mutters, offering you his arm. Taking it, you shoot him a confused look as the two of you walk together. “Don’t worry, you’ll find out soon enough.”

As you and Cassian descend the stairs, the sounds of laughter, clinking glasses, and silverware fill the air. A soft smile tugs at your lips as you step into the room. Mor is the first to notice you, her eyes brimming with tears as she suddenly stands and rushes toward you, pulling you into a tight embrace.

“Please don’t tell me this is a dream,” she rasps, clinging to you.

You and Mor had always been like sisters. Growing up surrounded by the boys, her arrival in your life had been a blessing.

“It’s not a dream,” you whisper, hugging her back just as tightly. But after a few moments, you feel Mor tense, as if she suddenly remembered something. She pulls away, giving you a sad smile that only deepens your confusion. As you look around the room, everyone avoids your gaze, though a palpable tension hangs in the air, laced with something like anger.

Your eyes shift between them, trying to understand, until they finally land on Azriel. He sits frozen, fork midair, eyes wide, body rigid. Next to him, Elaine quickly looks away, nervously biting her lip—a habit she had whenever she felt guilty about something.

“Azriel?” you call out, your voice trembling slightly. The sound of his name seems to snap him out of his stupor, and he drops his fork, spilling his drink onto Elaine’s lap.

Elaine stands abruptly, and your eyes widen in shock. Before you, a very pregnant Elaine rises, her hand instinctively resting on her belly. Your gaze travels downward, catching the glint of a ring on her finger. “You and Lucien finally made it official?” you ask, a smile breaking across your face. “I’m so happy for you!” You laugh, but the sound dies quickly when you notice everyone else’s glances shifting toward Azriel.

That’s when you see it—something you had somehow missed before. On his finger, where he once wore the engagement ring meant for you, sits a wedding band, one that matches Elaine’s.

A chill runs down your spine as your eyes snap back to his. The room feels suddenly colder, and you feel the ground give way beneath you.

“No…” you whisper, your vision blurring as the weight of it all crashes down on you.

The ring on your finger suddenly felt like it was searing into your skin, and you blinked rapidly, trying to stop the tears from falling. "This is a joke, right? Some sick prank you both decided to pull?" When silence met your words, the rage inside you began to swell, and your breathing quickened. "So you’re telling me that while I was fighting for my life, you were out here screwing Elain, and somewhere along the way, you got married—and the best part? She’s pregnant?"

Something snapped inside you, and from the corner of your eye, you saw green wisps materialize, curling around you like tendrils of raw power.

Rhysand stood abruptly, and Cassian shifted closer to Nesta, instinctively protective. “Y/N, you need to breathe. I understand you're angry, but this isn’t the place to test your abilities after being asleep for ten months,” Rhysand said, trying to calm you.

You shook your head, fists clenched. “You want me to calm down? My supposed mate left me to rot in that room, just so he could chase after Elain. He abandoned me and every promise he made! I didn’t ask to be in that room—I didn’t ask to get hurt. So why should I bow down to your request when the real traitor is right here in front of all of you!”

With a final burst of fury, a smoky green tendril shot out, aimed directly at Azriel and Elain. His shadows barely blocked the blow. Elain screamed, curling in on herself to protect her stomach, while Azriel staggered back, overwhelmed by the torrent of emotions surging through the bond. The betrayal, the hurt, the rage—all of it hit him like a wave, causing him to drop to his knees, gasping for breath.

You stepped closer, looming over him, and pulled the ring from your finger, letting it fall to the ground in front of him. Azriel picked it up without hesitation, his eyes wide with guilt.

"Don’t look at me like that, Azriel. It makes you look pathetic," you spat. "You chose this the moment you left me in that room to chase after Elain. After 200 years together, I was never going to compare to her, even as your mate. You’ve made it clear, Azriel—I’m replaceable."

You took a step back, but Azriel’s hand shot out, catching yours in desperation. “Y/N, you don’t understand—you can’t do this. Please don’t leave me,” he pleaded, his voice broken, his face twisted with regret.

Seeing him on his knees, begging—it made you feel sick.

You pulled your hand away, standing tall as the green tendrils swirled and coiled around you, making you seem larger than life. "I can, because you left me to die the moment you chose Elain over me. You made your bed, Azriel—now lie in it. Don’t bother looking for me, because if you do, I’ll do everything in my power to destroy you."

With those final words, you turned and walked out, leaving behind your family, your home, and every happy memory you once held dear. All that was left was anger and a thirst for vengeance.

The cool spring air whistles through the trees, dislodging petals from their place on the branches. The breeze carries them over the balcony and through the open doors where Azriel lies with his head resting on his mate's stomach. Your fingers trail through his hair as he inhales your scent, a mixture of lavender and rosemary filling his senses with each breath.

"My love, one might think you're a dog," you tease, running your nails over his scalp.

His only response is a hum as he breathes in your scent once more. "I can't help but find you absolutely divine so early in the morning," he grumbles, tightening his arms around you. A smile tugs at his lips at the sound of your laughter. For once, Azriel feels at peace in his life, having finally found someone he loves more than anything, and who loves him for who he is.

You let your gaze settle on him as a shiver runs through you from the breeze. Though you want to close the balcony door, you find yourself unable to, not when you're wrapped in Azriel's embrace. "Az, you need to visit your family. It's been some time since your last visit," you murmur, noticing how he tenses and holds you tighter.

Shaking his head, he playfully bites your stomach, causing you to jump slightly. "I'll see them eventually. Right now, I just want to stay here with you a little longer," he says so softly, you almost miss his words.

"You can't isolate yourself here forever, Az. They're worried about you. They want to be here for you, to help you heal," desperation fills your voice as your fingers continue to run through his hair.

"I don't need them, not when I have you. You're all I need, Y/N. I love my family, but they can't help me the way you do," he says, sitting up to look down at you. A frown forms on your lips as you stand and settle between his legs.

Placing your hand on his chin, you tilt his face up to meet yours. "Az, it's been two years," you whisper, running your thumb over his cheek gently, catching the tears that fall. You don't miss the desperation in his eyes as he shakes his head at your words. "You need to let me go, my love. I love you more than life itself, but it's time."

Azriel inhales sharply at your words, feeling like someone has punched him in the gut as the familiar ache in his heart echoes in the room. "I can't. You were everything to me, Y/N. I can't just let you go," he sobs, taking your hands in his.

Azriel's thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on his bedroom door. Cassian pushes it open, his eyes softening as he sees Azriel. Azriel isn't sure how Cassian managed to bypass the wards that shielded their home, but there he was. "Hey, brother," he says gently, his gaze wandering around the room to identify who Azriel was talking to.

Azriel turns his head to look back at you, but finds nothing but empty space. His shoulders slump as he covers his face, letting out a sob. Cassian quickly pulls him into a tight hug, holding his brother close as his pained screams fill the room. "We can visit her. Maybe seeing her will help you," Cassian mumbles.

Azriel nods as Cassian helps him dress. Holding up the flowers, he smiles and guides his brother out of the once-happy home you shared. As they walk through Velaris, Azriel can't help but notice how happy everyone looks. He longs to feel that happiness again, the warmth that filled his chest every time he looked at you. Cassian leads him to the edge of the city, to the top of a hill where a large weeping willow sits, its long limbs hanging limply as the leaves sway gently in the breeze.

Azriel doesn't acknowledge his family standing under the tree, their eyes filled with pity. He despises it. He hates how they pity him. Brushing off their gazes, his eyes land on an object under the tree. There sits a marble headstone, your name delicately carved into it along with your dates of birth and death. He drops to his knees before it and places the flowers atop the stone. Feyre places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it gently. "We wanted to do something nice for her. After all she went through, she deserved the best view in Velaris dedicated just to her."

Feyre's words bring tears to his eyes as they silently fall down his cheeks. This hill is where they would lay and look up at the stars together. The tree they would sit under during hot summer days, with you leaning against his chest as you talked about your future. His thumb caresses the stone gently before his attention is drawn away. "Papa?" a soft voice fills the air, causing his breath to catch in his throat.

Looking over his shoulder, he sees his sweet little girl, with your fiery attitude and features. The only indication of her being his child is the dark hair that falls just above her shoulders and her golden-brown skin. Wrapping her in his arms, he kisses her cheek and holds her close. He doesn't miss the way she looks down at your headstone, curiosity filling her eyes. "Uncle Cassian says this is where mommy is sleeping," she says quietly. "When will she wake? I want to meet her, Daddy," she says, a pout forming on her lips.

Azriel smiles and laughs, biting back another sob. "Sometime soon, my little rose. But for now, we need to let Mommy rest. She went through so much, and she deserves all the rest she can get," he responds, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

She nods and looks back at the stone, waving her small hand. "Bye, Mommy. Sleep well. I hope you have the best nap," Azriel rises with his daughter in his arms and follows his family back down the hill.

You weren’t sure what kept you here for the past four months, but it had become some sort of sanctuary for you. After about a month, your name came back to you, along with bits and pieces of your life. The biggest mystery in your life was exactly how you ended up outside of the Night Court, and how you had acquired the little shadows that thrived on the drama within the house. Despite that setback, the Inner Circle was more than welcoming. Feyre and her sisters aided you in any way possible. You and Nesta had started a small book club with the Valkyries, and Elain helped you find comfort in gardening. Cassian made it his personal goal to take on the role of an older brother, coddling you, and Rhysand acted as a therapist of sorts, listening to your worries. You and Rhys had grown close as he worked with you on getting your memories back. Something you admired about him was how patient he was with you.

At month two, Cassian had convinced you to join the Valkyries in training. Those moments were the best of your life as you had grown close to the girls, who understood the pain and confusion that you went through. As much as you loved training, the one thing you dreaded the most was sparring. You were never paired with Nesta or Gwyn; instead, Azriel made it his goal to challenge you. He pushed you to new lengths, discovering what made you tick and using it against you.

That’s where you were at this point in time. Circling the ring as Azriel watched your every move, Cassian coaching you from the side. “Keep your hands up, Y/N; any opening is trouble,” he says gently, causing you to nod as you bring your fists up in front of your face. “Good, now tell me what you see; we’ve worked on this.”

Inhaling, you let your eyes wander over Azriel in an attempt to note any openings or weaknesses. As you continue to circle him, you think back to the injury he received after training with Cassian. Although it was most likely healed by now, he had to have been tender. Looking down at his knee, you spot the slight limp. Glancing up at him, a small smile works its way onto your face. Throwing your leg out, you aim for his knee, hitting the mark. A satisfied sigh leaves your mouth as you watch him stumble. “Now, tell me why you chose to hit there,” Cassian calls out.

“It was an easy opening. He wasn’t centering his weight evenly through both legs, meaning landing a hit on his weak point could open up another possible hit,” you explain. Cassian laughs in agreement and claps his hands.

“Spoken like a true student of mine,” he gloats, a wide smile spreading across his lips. You match his smile only for it to drop when something hard collides against the side of your face, causing your head to snap to the side. “Azriel, what the hell was that!” Cassian yells, moving towards the ring only to stop when you hold your hand up.

You could feel the blood begin to pool in your mouth, and you spit it out on the ground just outside of the ring. “What is your issue, you overgrown bat? This is a training exercise, not an actual match,” you snap, turning to face Azriel fully.

Azriel rolls his shoulders back and keeps his gaze locked on you. “Well, a new lesson learned: don’t take your eyes off of me. In a battle, they won’t just sit there and wait for you to finish talking to Cassian,” he says, sending another jab towards you, causing you to shuffle back, hitting the edge of the ring. You could feel your shadows start to vibrate against your skin, but you reel them back in, refusing to let them do your bidding. “What? Cassian isn’t sitting there telling you how to fight so you can’t defend yourself?” He taunts, landing a swift kick into your side.

Cassian clenches his jaw as he bites back a growl. “Azriel, we’re meant to be teaching her the basics, not cornering her and expecting her to fight back,” he snaps, taking a step closer. You had never seen pure rage on Azriel until now. The look he sent Cassian stopped him in his tracks.

“She’s learning, isn’t she?” He snaps, turning his gaze back on you. “Come on, fight back. I know that you know how to. Stop hiding behind this act of yours and take me on.” Your chest begins to heave as you try to dodge the multiple jabs and kicks he sends your way. Spinning on your heel, you aim for his shoulder in hopes of knocking him off balance.

You saw it before you ever even felt it. It felt like it all happened in slow motion as his fist connected with your ribs, a defined crack echoing around you, and his foot came up to press against your stomach before launching you backward, hitting the pole behind you. The vibration of your teeth chattering together felt as if it would split your skull open. The ringing in your ears caused you to grunt as your vision blurred, catching a glimpse of the screams and yells directed towards Azriel.

A cool essence spreads over your body as you lay there, your back pressed against the pole. Then your body feels like it’s on fire, the heat overwhelming. Your shadows whisper in your ear, cheering you on once your vision clears. You couldn’t get Azriel’s smug look out of your head and something about that made you snap. You felt the burning sensation pool at your fingertips just before you let out a loud scream, launching for Azriel, your shadows shooting out to battle his own, pushing him back. You weren’t sure how you did it, but you landed jab after jab against his side and back, your skin burning holes into his leathers. It wasn’t until you had him pinned against the ground that you drew your hand back, a ball of fire appearing in it. You missed how his eyes widened in horror at the sight of the flame; at that moment, you wouldn’t have cared. All you wanted to do was hurt him; you wanted to destroy him.

Before anything could happen, you felt arms wrap around you before a pained yell sounded, drawing you back to reality. You were back against the ground, Cassian off to the side clutching his arm and Azriel frozen to the spot where you had him pinned. Your eyes widen as you shift closer to Cassian, freezing as he flinches at your movement. “I’m sorry,” you whisper quietly, emotions wracking your body. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened; I didn’t mean to.”

Cassian stands slowly, Nesta running up beside him as she watches you. When Cassian takes a step towards you, you take a step back. “Y/N, it’s okay; I know you didn’t mean to,” he says, reaching out toward you. With another shake of your head, you turn on your heel and book back inside.

---

Your bedroom felt a lot colder than usual. You weren’t sure if it was because your skin was cooling off or if it was the guilt that was eating you alive. You sat on the bench placed under the window, your eyes trained on the city below. You hadn’t lashed out like that before, not since waking up in the woods. Those violent thoughts that plagued your mind just moments ago made you a complete stranger to yourself. As your door slowly opened, you turned your head to come face to face with Nesta and Mor. “I know what I did, I don’t need a reminder,” you mumbled, turning back towards the window.

Nesta placed herself down next to you and grabbed your hand gently. “I’m not here to yell at you; we all know it was an accident. Cassian knew what he was doing,” she said gently, drawing your attention back towards her.

Mor placed a hand on your shoulder with a wide smile. “If we’re being honest, we’ve never seen anyone take Azriel on like that, nor have we seen him actually scared. If I’m being completely honest, it was kind of hot,” she hummed, pulling a laugh from Nesta. It was no secret that the three of you would shamelessly flirt with one another, although it was more friendly than romantic; Cassian often complained that it was as if Nesta was more your mate than his.

Your smile faded as you cleared your throat. “That’s the thing, I don’t want people to fear me. I snapped and I could’ve killed Azriel. I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, but I took it too far for myself. I don’t even know what my abilities are capable of, and I’m scared that if I lash out again, I’ll actually hurt one of you.” Nesta’s eyes softened as she grabbed your face gently, her eyes searching yours.

“You won’t hurt us, not on purpose. We’re still trying to figure out your memories, and your newfound abilities are a question too, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop helping you. If anything, Rhys and the others are more determined to help,” she spoke softly, caressing your cheek with her thumbs. She was silent for a moment before she spoke again. “Why don’t you come train with the Valkyries this weekend? Cassian is taking us to the mountains where we can do more intense training. Cassian wanted to extend the invitation, but he didn’t want to crowd you after earlier. I also think it would be good for you to get away from here and take a break from this room.” If there was one thing about Nesta, it was how quickly she took on that sisterly role when it came to you.

Nodding your head, you looked to Mor, who only gave you a supportive nod. “Nesta’s right. Besides the occasional journey into Velaris, you’ve been cooped up in here for the past four months. Maybe this getaway will help in some way.”

Running your hands over your legs, you nodded quickly and stood as you moved around your room to pack your bags. “So, how angry is Azriel that I just attempted to burn his face off?” You asked suddenly, drawing a loud laugh from Mor, causing a smile to spread across your face.

“Oh, he was livid. You should’ve heard the rant he went on while Cassian bandaged his arms. I’m pretty sure his head was about to explode. It’s quite amusing honestly, seeing how much you get under his skin. Rhysand and I used to test his limits to find what makes him tick, but he was always so composed,” she hummed, picking at her nails. “Azriel is a strange one, yes, but I just cannot grasp why he dislikes you so much.”

You shrugged as you packed some training leathers into your bag along with some ointment for any soreness you’re sure to feel. “I’m not sure either. For whatever reason, he’s under the impression that I actually remember my entire life and I’m playing you all. Rhys even tried to tell him that any memory that I have is locked away tight. Do I feel like there’s a reason as to why I’m here? Yes, but even that keeps me up all night trying to remember even the smallest detail.”

Nesta hummed in acknowledgment as she set herself on your bed. “Maybe the training will help open some doors. Cassian wants to find what makes you tick so we can learn how to work with those abilities of yours, shadows included. This is why he opted for the mountains so that way if you decided to level anything, at least it’s the forest,” she shrugged, placing a few of your daggers into the bag.

Once you finished, you looked between them and smiled. “I think I’m ready; I agree that this is what’s best for me,” you said softly, turning as Cassian threw your bedroom door open, a wide smile on his face. He wrapped his arms around you and lifted you into a hug.

“I knew you’d come. Before we leave, Rhys wants to discuss some matters with you, so why don’t you go down there, and we’ll meet you in the living room when you’re done,” he set you down and slung your bag over his shoulder. Nodding towards the door, he motioned for you to leave, and you did, just after you gave Nesta a nervous smile.

---

The chair you sat in was uncomfortable as you endured Rhysand's gaze. He sat across from you with his hands folded and elbows resting on the desk, his eyes fixed on you, waiting for you to make a run for it. The soft tick of the clock caught your attention before he cleared his throat. “I heard about what happened during training,” he started. You opened your mouth to argue but shut it when he raised his hand. “I’m not mad; Azriel went too far today, and honestly, he needed that reality check.” You let out a relieved sigh and relaxed, the chair suddenly becoming much more comfortable.

“What I wanted to talk to you about is work. You’ve been here for four months, and we’re nearing month five. I wanted to offer you a position in my court. You communicate well with others, and you’ve done a lot to assist me with the issues we face in the court. I want to take you on as an emissary for the Night Court. I have every reason to believe that you’ll do well,” he said, not missing the flash of surprise in your eyes.

“An emissary? But why?” You couldn’t help but ask the question. The offer alone was shocking to you. Sure, you wanted a place in Rhysand’s court, but a position like that was too important and easy for you to screw up if you, for some reason, decided to snap like you did earlier today.

“Because you deserve it. You help me with paperwork, and you have a ton of great ideas. We’re nearing the season where I’m needed, but I can’t be everywhere at once. Having you by my side during meetings would make things easier. You have ideas that can make life easier among the courts, or methods to help areas that are struggling. I need those ideas there with me. Now that I have a family, I can’t always be in different courts to meet with them, and that’s where I need you. I can’t send Cassian since he destroyed a building in Summer. I trust you, and I know you question that a lot, but I know you can handle it. You don’t need to agree now, but think about it while you’re away for the weekend, and when you get back, you can tell me your decision then,” he said, keeping his violet eyes trained on you.

You shifted in the seat as you thought over his words. You knew the other hidden reasons behind his words, and you couldn’t blame him. You knew this could be a way to trigger memories for you when you visit courts. It was also a way for you to get away from the townhouse and the House of Wind. It would open an opportunity to prove yourself more to the Inner Circle, to prove that you can help them. Sucking in a deep breath, you nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell you my decision after we get back.”

Rhysand nodded and stood, motioning to the door. “You may go. Just keep in mind you are the only one who knows that I’m offering this to you. I haven’t told the Inner Circle, so keep my trust in you in mind when determining your decision.” As you stood, you gave him a small bow of your head in thanks before walking out of the room towards the living room. As you entered, Cassian and Nesta stood, their eyes shining.

Cassian smiled down at you, and Nesta looped her arm through yours. “Let’s go,” he said as he began to walk beside you and Nesta. Noticing your silence, he frowned and looked at you. “Are you alright?” He asked, tilting his head slightly.

Let The World Burn - Chris Grey  (Main Theme)

Take Me Back To Eden - Sleep Token

The Summoning - Sleep Token 

Wires - The Neighbourhood

W.D.Y.W.F.M? - The Neighbourhood 

Slow Down - Chase Atlantic 

Flawless - The Neighbourhood 

Meddle About - Chase Atlantic 

Body - Rosenfeld 

Swim - Chase Atlantic 

Into It - Chase Atlantic 

Cherry - Lana Del Rey

Teeth - 5 Seconds of Summer 

Skyfall - Adele 

Dancer in the Dark - Chase Atlantic 

Hypnotic - Zella Day 

I feel like I’m Drowning - Two Feet 

Okay - Chase Atlantic 

Siren - Kailee Morgue 

Aphrodite - Ethan Gander 

Empire - Hozier

Too Sweet - Hozier 

The Death of Peace of Mind - Bad Omens 

Nameless - Stevie Howie 

Freak - Sub Urban 

Day Dreams - We Three

Salvatore - Lana Del Rey 

All you could smell was your burning flesh and the smoke from the area around you. Above you, the dark sky seemed to smile down in a way that almost felt mocking. Drawing in a deep breath, your chest tightened, drowning out your senses. Uncertain of how you got here or even who you were, the last thing you remembered was falling backward, yet never hitting the ground, instead, you kept falling until eventually landing on the charred grass where you now lay.

A cool sensation ran over your arms, diverting your attention from the sky. Wincing, you lifted your arm, watching as wisps of smoke-like tendrils wrapped around you, gently caressing your burnt skin. They moved around your waist and through your hair, softly singing and speaking in hushed tones that your ringing ears couldn't discern.

Enchanted by their appearance, you marveled at their gentleness as they glided over the burns on your arms and face, seemingly attempting to kiss your wounds better. You noticed how they froze over your skin before shooting out as if to defend you. Turning your head, you let out a groan, catching a flash of red and blue. Rolling onto your knees, another groan escaped as you instinctively reached to hold your injured arm, your hair falling over your face as you glimpsed three figures through the strands, standing a few feet away, their eyes widening in shock at your appearance.

The wisps continued to wrap around you, darting out at them, a protective measure for your injured form. Your eyes darted between them before settling on a male figure without siphons, his violet eyes prominent in the darkness. Unable to discern their words over the ringing in your ears, you studied each figure. You moved towards another, taller and bulkier, his shoulder-length hair tied in a half ponytail. Despite his intimidating appearance, his eyes exuded a gentle kindness you had never witnessed before.

Finally, your gaze locked with hazel eyes, observing the third male figure. He stood before you, arms crossed, his face devoid of emotion, yet his shadows danced in synchronization with your own, almost as if communicating. The wisps whispered to you, though your mind remained blank as you studied him. Something within you stirred in recognition, yet fear caused your body to curl in on itself. Your vision obscured as the male with violet eyes knelt before you, extending his hand. Your gaze shifted upward, finally able to hear his voice.

"I'm not sure what happened to you, and usually, we wouldn't welcome trespassers like this, but your wounds are too serious to take you where we normally would," he said gently, causing your eyes to harden. Holding up his hands, he offered a reassuring smile. "What's your name?" he asked, watching you quietly.

You opened your mouth to respond, only for your mind to draw a blank. "I'm not sure," you replied, wincing at the raspiness of your voice, hating how weak it sounded. Yet, it didn't deter him from extending his hand once more. You stared at it, and he chuckled softly.

"If it eases your nerves, I'm Rhysand, and behind me are Cassian and Azriel. Now that we aren't strangers, why don't you come back with us? We can provide treatment and aid until you regain your memory or at least understand how you got here," he suggested gently. Your eyes flickered over his shoulder, meeting the hazel eyes again before Rhysand spoke up once more. "Please? My wife would kill me if she found out I left an injured female in the middle of the woods." You scrutinized him, attempting to catch him in a lie, but found none. Nodding gently, you placed your hand in his, feeling the cool tendrils wrap around you as the environment blurred and darkened.

---Azriel---

Azriel stood outside the room, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his gaze fixed on the floor. As the door opened and Cassian and Rhysand stepped out, he pushed away from the wall, raising a brow. "Mind explaining why you decided to make friends with some random person who tried burning down the forest?" he asked.

Rhysand sighed, glancing back at the closed door. "I tried probing her mind, Az. It's locked tight, and no amount of training could penetrate it, not with all the power it exerted to resist me. You saw those shadows that clung to her. Azriel, she's another shadow singer, and as far as I know, you're the only one alive with that ability," he explained in a hushed tone.

Azriel nodded, images of you flashing in his mind. He remembered the severity of your burns and the intensity of your gaze fixed on him, your eyes seeming to burn with actual fire. He had forgotten about the shadows that reached out to them, mirroring his own. "What do we do with her once she's better?" he inquired, turning his gaze toward the closed door. "We can't just let her go, especially now that she's seen the city."

Rhysand hummed in thought, but before he could respond, Cassian cleared his throat. "We can't release her back into the woods like some stray. She has no memory of who she is. But we're not imprisoning her either. We need to help her remember how she got here, and why there's no record of another shadow singer. I can keep an eye on her and make her feel welcome. If she feels like a prisoner, she won't cooperate," Cassian suggested, turning to Azriel. "You should do the same. Get to know her. Her reaction to seeing you indicates her body remembers you, so that could be crucial."

Azriel groaned before reluctantly agreeing with his brother. "Fine, I'll give it a shot. I have my own questions, especially about those shadows. But if she tries anything, don't expect me to be friendly. Her entrance wasn't exactly subtle, burning down half the forest," he remarked, casting a warning glance at Rhysand.

Rhysand nodded, knowing better than to argue with Azriel in situations like this. He couldn't help but notice Azriel's sudden interest in you, though. Clapping a hand on Cassian's shoulder, he nodded to Azriel before walking away.

Azriel watched them depart down the hall before turning back to the door. Opening it, his eyes widened as a pillow was flung at him, narrowly missing him and hitting the wall. Giving you a glare, he noted how you met his stare with equal intensity.

---Y/N---

You stare back at Azriel as he takes another step towards you, your hand instinctively reaching back to grab the pillow next to you. Your eyes follow every movement he makes, searching for any sign that his intentions aren’t friendly.

"Throwing a pillow at me won’t do much," he says, raising a brow at you.

Scoffing, you turn your head away from him. "No, but it would distract you long enough to give me a head start," you mumble. The shadows that wrap themselves around you slide away, halting just before Azriel. Your eyes watch them as they wait for his own to greet them.

"It’s funny, you would think they know each other. In the forest, it was like they were communicating with each other," you say softly.

Azriel hums in response as he settles into the chair next to your bed. "What do you know about your shadows? You must know something; the way they interact with you is a telling sign that you’ve had them your entire life," he says, leaning back into the chair. He watches your body language, waiting for a telling sign that you're lying, but there is nothing. Instead, he receives a shrug from you.

"I’m not sure. When I woke up, in agonizing pain, might I add, they were there. They were all over me, and it was as if they were trying to cool the burns. Other than that, they’re a complete mystery to me. They don’t even really say much besides that I’m safe," you explain, leaning back against the headboard. "Why are you guys helping me? I know it’s not because I was half dead in the middle of the woods," you mumble, playing with the blanket on your lap.

Azriel leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he narrows his eyes at you. "Rhysand says he wants to find out how you’re a shadow singer; from what we knew, I was the only one. Cassian refuses to just release you into the wild again, and he wants to help you, which is typical given that’s just how he is. Meanwhile, me? I don’t trust you. You may not remember what about me you know, but your body does, and every time I’m near you, you have the natural reaction to pull away from me," he says. To prove his point, he shifts to sit on the bed, and your body tenses as you instinctively move away. "I’ll find out what you know about me. Rhysand may not be able to tell, but I know how to get the information I need, and you’re no exception," he grumbles.

Your life had finally found peace. No longer did you feel the urge to tear apart everyone you encountered. But why did today feel so different? Something gnawed at the back of your mind, begging for release. You bit down on your tongue, attempting to push back the sharp claws sinking into your consciousness, returning to reality after tasting the metallic tang of blood in your mouth. Blinking, you surveyed the camp, your vision blurred as your head throbbed. Your companions lay sound asleep in their tents, your lover peacefully slumbering beside you in your shared shelter. With a groan, you collapsed to the ground, darkness encroaching on your vision.

You flinched as someone nudged you, the touch lacking the gentleness of your usual companions rousing you after a blackout. Rolling onto your back, you locked eyes with another figure—yourself. A wicked smile stretched across her face as she peered down at you. "Wake up, little bird," she said, your own voice sending shivers down your spine as you struggled to dispel the image before you. Surely, it was a cruel dream, or perhaps a twisted jest concocted by Gale. The figure above you clicked her tongue and brushed your hair aside. "Come now, don't appear so bewildered. You know exactly who I am," she whispered.

Jerking away from her touch, you scrambled to your feet, putting distance between you and the apparition. "I don't know who you are, and whatever sick joke you think you're playing, stop it," you snapped. Deep down, however, you recognized the person standing before you—your past self, fighting to seize control of your body.

She chuckled, closing the gap between you with measured steps. "Well, little bird, I am you. I am the grin that spreads when blood stains your skin. I am the reverie you indulge in, envisioning the demise of every soul you encounter. My dear, I am the pulse quickening with anticipation at the thought of wrapping your hands around your lover's throat," she murmured, her final words a whispered caress against your ear.

You shook your head, her words leaving you stunned. The shock wasn't born of confusion; it was the recognition of truth. "I'm not like you. I'm not as evil as you are. I'm good, I'm improving, and I'm leaving you behind," you declared, your voice tinged with desperation. You realized you weren't trying to convince her; you were attempting to convince yourself that you had outgrown the bloodthirsty killer you once were.

She laughed, the sound echoing through the camp, yet miraculously failing to disturb the slumbering figures. "How do you define good and evil?" she challenged, her gaze raking over you as she circled. "You eliminate those who obstruct your path. Many would argue that's evil, even if you consider it good," she murmured, trailing a finger down your cheek. As you looked at her, you recognized the mirror image of yourself—the same nose, jawline, and attire. The only disparities were in her eyes, hard and lifeless compared to your soft, hopeful gaze. Her eye color, resembling pools of thick, dark blood, put Astarion's red orbs to shame. While your hair was a gentle brown, hers was jet black, streaked with blood-red strands. She was your antithesis, craving violence and pain while you exuded gentleness and love.

"I'm good because I don't slaughter innocents like you do. I don't yearn to feel blood on my skin—not like you. I'm nothing like you, and I never will be," you growled, your eyes hardening as you resisted the urge to recoil from her touch by biting the inside of your cheek.

"Ah, indeed, you're correct. You're the white swan—delicate and gentle—while I'm the despised black swan, vying for dominance and power," she remarked, running her fingers through your hair before gripping it tightly, pulling your head back with a force that threatened to snap your neck. "Why do you hide from me, little bird? Do you blame yourself?" she whispered, her blood-red eyes locking with yours.

Confusion twisted your expression as you looked up at her, feeling your heart race at her question. "What?" you whispered, focusing your gaze on hers.

She released your hair and grasped your face, running her thumbs across your cheeks in a manner that felt condescending. "Well, little bird, it's quite common in this situation to feel a kind of... guilt," she hummed. A twist formed in your stomach as she loomed over you, her gaze igniting a new type of fear within you.

Backing away, you felt sweat gathering in your palms as you listened intently. "What situation?" This was the aspect you struggled with the most—being unable to recall anything about your past, what you had done to others. The only reminders were fleeting flashes of memory when you stood over a lifeless body or closed your eyes.

Her smile dissolved into a mocking frown as she clicked her tongue. "The accident, silly." With that, it felt as though your body was hurtling backward, and your vision faded to black, the last image imprinting on your mind being her wide grin and the murderous delight gleaming in her eyes.

--- Astarion ---

Astarion stirred in the tent, waiting for you to join him. You had been engrossed in a book found during your exploration of the shadowlands. As time passed, a sense of unease began to simmer within him, a blend of worry and fear. Opening the tent flap, he peered out, scanning the camp for any sign of you. Just before retreating into the tent, he spotted you on the ground near the fire, your muscles spasming beneath your skin. Without knowing how he reached you, he found himself kneeling beside you, gently shaking you in an attempt to rouse you. "Tav, wake up," he whispered, nudging you again.

He was on the verge of calling for help when your eyes snapped open, your hand shooting up to grip his throat. Falling backward onto the ground, he gazed up at you, the grip tightening around his throat. Your eyes held no emotion, devoid of life. For a fleeting moment, he thought he saw flashes of blood-red eyes, uncertain if it was his imagination or if the person before him wasn't you. Watching as you reached for the knife strapped to your thigh—a gift he had given you after his confession while you lay nestled among the pillows—he sensed something was amiss. This wasn't you.

Placing his foot on your stomach, he pushed you away, sending you stumbling to the ground. The way you rolled across the ground almost made him mistake you for a ragdoll. Astarion quickly rose to his feet, his gaze fixed on you as you lunged toward him. Tackling you to the ground, he pinned you against the earth. "Tav, stop. This isn't you," he whispered, shivering as fear tingled through him. But there was no response from you; instead, you threw him off. From his position on the ground, he watched as you approached, knife in hand, your eyes vacant. "Come back to me, my love," he pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper.

--- Tav ---

You found yourself disoriented, surrounded by pitch-black darkness. Moving forward, you navigated through what felt like a fog, your head throbbing painfully. Letting out a strangled scream, you clutched at your temples, bending over in an attempt to alleviate the shattering pain. Collapsing to the ground, your cries intensified as you scratched at your head, leaving marks on your face in a desperate bid to dispel the agony. As a cool hand touched your forehead, your body relaxed, tears welling in your eyes. "Astarion?" you whispered, looking up toward the figure. Your hope dissolved as you recognized it wasn't him. "What do you want?" you spat, narrowing your eyes into a glare.

Your reflection met your gaze with a wide smile. "Oh, don't pretend you're not glad to see me. Without me, you'd be lost here," she remarked, reaching out to grasp your hand gently. Jerking your hand away, you shook your head. "You're close to the city. It would be unfair if I didn't show you how you ended up like this and stripped of all your power," she hissed into your ear, appearing behind you.

The way she moved around you made you feel like prey. She slithered around you like a snake toying with its food, offering hope of escape before striking. "And what if I don't want to know? I already live with blood on my hands from taking the life of an innocent bard. I don't need the knowledge of more innocent lives I've claimed," you mumbled, keeping your gaze fixed on the ground.

"Because you'll have a run-in with our dear sister. Obviously, you don't know who she is, but she doesn't play games when it comes to pleasing our dear father," she spat, her gaze fixed into the distance. Whoever this sister was, you could only assume she had a hand in how you ended up in this situation. You flinched as she yanked you from the ground and spun you until you faced the opposite direction. Before you, the fog shifted and transformed into a scene. There you stood, facing someone you didn't recognize.

"When we were created, we pledged our loyalty to father without understanding. We killed in his name and worshipped him until a new family member emerged and ruined everything we had worked so hard to build. People feared us, and they still do. Our dear sister tries to establish her power in our likeness, but she lacks the control we once had," she hummed, pulling you into the scene.

Your surroundings morphed to match the environment. The scent of blood overwhelmed your senses, and you fought the urge to gag. "Why are you showing me this exactly? Why are you so desperate to make me remember?" you asked, surveying the unfamiliar surroundings. Though unsure of your location, the stone walls surrounding you resembled a temple. Your eyes caught sight of a large skull carved into the walls, and your body trembled with recognition, feeling power surging into you.

"It's vital that you remember. If I can't jog your memories, you'll be forced to face her, and she'll slaughter you in a matter of moments. As much as I enjoy tearing people limb from limb, it's rather difficult when your vessel is killed," she huffed, her gaze locking onto yours. "Now, why don't we relive some of our most cherished memories?" Grabbing your shoulders, you hissed as her nails dug into your skin.

---Astarion---

Astarion scrambled to kick you off him as you swung your arm, knife clutched tightly. "Tav, stop!" he yelled, his voice reverberating around the camp. Astarion had never felt fear like this before, especially when faced with your empty, lifeless gaze. Your movements resembled that of a puppet, leaving him bewildered. Had something affected you just before you left the shadowlands? What was happening to you?

You managed to land a hit on him, sending him flying across the camp. His eyes widened as he saw a sadistic smile spread across your face. "You're going to make such a pretty corpse," you said, your smile appearing unnaturally forced. As you stepped closer, your body was suddenly knocked to the side as someone tackled you to the ground, causing the knife to slip from your grip.

Astarion sucked in a breath as Karlach loomed over you, her eyes wild with rage. He could swear he saw pure fury behind her gaze—the kind that drove people to kill. It quickly shifted to a look of disappointment and concern. "What are you doing, soldier? This isn't you!" she yelled, shaking you by the shoulders. Astarion heard no verbal response, only the loud laughter that escaped you.

"Two pretty corpses. Father is truly going to enjoy this gift," you laughed, throwing your head back before your forehead collided with Karlach's. A violent crack echoed through the air, followed by the sight of blood dripping from the wound on your head where the skin had split. Astarion barely noticed the other companions rushing from their tents toward you. All he could focus on was how you fought each of your companions, a wild laughter reverberating through the camp.

---Tav---

You felt sick to your stomach watching the memories unfold before you. The deeds you had committed made you feel like the very monster you had always tried to escape. She watched your reaction closely, a crooked smile playing on her lips. Witnessing that dark part of yourself revel in the pain you had inflicted on others made you want to vomit. Seeing just what you were capable of reinforced your gratitude for the fresh start you had been given.

She placed her hands on your shoulders and leaned in close to whisper something in your ear. "If you think that's fascinating, you should see your most recent memory," she whispered, the smile evident in her voice as the scene before you shifted.

Your face twisted in confusion before morphing into sheer horror. Unsure if the scream you heard was your own or from one of your companions, you swung your weapon toward them. "Stop! What the hell is wrong with you!" you screamed, struggling in her grasp. You couldn't ignore the sight of Astarion clutching his side, the look of betrayal etched on his face. But behind his eyes gleamed a knowing glint—he understood that this wasn't you. She had deceived you, luring you into this state to attack and harm your family. Rage coursed through you as you clenched your fists, hands trembling.

"Do you smell the fear and betrayal radiating off of them? Look at them, trying to disarm you. They're scared of hurting you. It's pathetic, honestly. I expected more entertainment, considering they're so desperate to rid themselves of that tadpole. They love you so much when they should fear what you truly are. You're a weapon, a pawn of Bhaal, and you'll always bend to his will to please him," she hissed, tightening her grip on your shoulders.

Shaking your head, you squirmed against her hold, attempting to break free from her piercing grip. You could feel her nails digging into your arms, undoubtedly breaking the skin in the process. "That's where you're wrong. I've fought you off for this long; I can fight off Bhaal. I'll never bend to his will. I'll never become what he so desperately wants me to be," you growled, throwing your head back to connect with her nose.

With a howl, she stumbled back, wiping at her face as she narrowed her eyes at you. "Alright, little bird, you want to play? Let's play." You didn't waver in your stance as you turned to face her fully, determined to regain control over yourself and protect your family.

---Astarion---

Something within you shifted, that much he could discern. The way your body tensed, the ripple of muscles beneath your skin, the contortion of your face in agony— it was evident you were at war with yourself. He watched helplessly as your arm bent into an unnatural position. Astarion's every instinct urged him to intervene, to restrain you and assure you that everything would be alright, that the darkness inside you wouldn't prevail. But his resolve wavered when Gale struck you with thorn whip, causing him to freeze. Shooting to his feet, Astarion tackled Gale to the ground with a yell, pinning him down. "What in the nine hells were you thinking? You could hurt her!" Rage surged through him as he glared down at Gale.

Gale shoved Astarion off him, returning a glare. "In case you've forgotten, our dear companion is attempting to kill us. I regret any harm I may have caused her, but our lives take precedence at this moment," he retorted, his expression tense. "We don't know if she'll recover from this, Astarion. We need to protect ourselves."

Astarion snarled, shaking his head, his red orbs fixed on Gale. "If you touch her again, I'll drain you, dry wizard," he spat, moving away from him. His eyes widened as he dodged a silver flash of a blade. Grabbing your wrist, he twisted it until the knife fell to the ground. Embracing you tightly, he lowered both of you to the ground, holding you close. "Come on, Tav. Come back to me, sweetheart," he whispered as you struggled in his grasp.

His arms tightened around you as you thrashed, screams echoing throughout the camp. He could sense the others behind him, ready to intervene if necessary. Holding his breath, he felt a whimper escape your lips as you ceased moving. "I'm scared," you confessed, your voice trembling with vulnerability. This was the Tav he knew and cherished, the one he loved more than anything. Caressing your head, he planted a kiss on the back of it, pulling you closer.

As swiftly as you had calmed, you resumed thrashing in his arms, causing something to crack in his chest. Feeling the sweat on your skin seep through his shirt only added to his distress. If there was a moment in his life he never wanted to relive, it would be this one. Seeing you so broken and tormented tore him apart. You were enslaved by something beyond your control, and it shattered him to witness it. Pressing his forehead against the back of your head, he shut his eyes tightly, gently rubbing your arms. "You're alive. You're alive. You're alive," he repeated softly, hoping his words would bring you some comfort.

---Tav---

Fighting against yourself wasn't what you had envisioned. You weren't even certain if the entity before you was truly yourself. Your own face was no longer recognizable; instead, a grotesque creature stood in your place. The once innocent visage had twisted into something horrifying. Its features contorted into long, pointed teeth, its eyes resembling black pits, seemingly designed to instill fear in its prey before launching an attack. Four arms extended from its sides, while long spikes adorned its back, and a pointed tail swung wildly behind it. Fear spiked in your chest as you beheld the monstrosity before you. This was what you were, what you were capable of.

A loud wail echoed from the creature as it advanced toward you. The darkness within you was terrifying, even repulsive. Flames flickered to life in your hand as you narrowed your eyes. Perhaps this could be the moment you finally triumphed and escaped the cravings consuming you. Casting a fireball, the creature emitted a screech before swiping a hand at you, catching your side and sending you flying backward, blood seeping through your shirt. Emitting a small whimper, you tilted your head back and closed your eyes. The distant sensation of a caress enveloped you, accompanied by faint whispers in your ear.

"You're alive."

You recognized the voice instantly. The fear lacing his tone caused your heart to race. The silent promise behind his words spurred you to open your eyes just as the beast loomed above you, emitting another deafening shriek. Something cool touched your fingers as you unleashed a scream to match the volume of the creature above you. Raising your arms, you pierced its chest, blood splattering your face as you stood, driving the sword deeper. The creature collapsed to the ground, its form morphing back to resemble your own once again. Meeting your own eyes, you grimaced. "You'll never be rid of me. One day, as you lie beside your beloved, you'll feel me seize control of your body, and you'll be powerless to stop me from draining the life of the one you love," she coughed. Coldness enveloped your body as you gazed down at your own reflection. Before you could formulate a response, your vision began to blur, and your body crumpled to the ground.

---

Your eyes snapped open as you sucked air into your lungs, scrambling away from Astarion's grasp. Your hands ran over your torso, searching for any signs of the wounds you had suffered in the brawl with yourself. Wild with fear, your eyes scanned the surroundings, shivering from the sweat covering your body and the adrenaline coursing through you. Looking up, you froze as you felt the gaze of your companions upon you, their faces etched with worry, hands poised to defend themselves if needed. Your bottom lip wobbled as you took in their appearance. "I'm sorry," were the first words that slipped past your lips as you noticed the wounds they had gained from the earlier struggle. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you repeated, wrapping your arms around yourself and rocking back and forth.

You didn't hear their response, if there was one. Instead, you felt a pair of cool hands touch your arms, causing you to flinch slightly. As you relaxed against the touch, they pulled you toward a chest, holding you tightly against them. "Deep breaths, Tav. We know you didn't mean to. We know it wasn't you," Astarion mumbled. Your sobs echoed through the camp as you clung to him, only for them to intensify as you felt the arms of Shadowheart and a few other companions wrap around you, hugging you with the same intensity as Astarion.

You had lived. You had survived the grueling battle with yourself. You had won.

---Gale---

You weren't sure what you had done wrong that day. Astarion had seemed torn between ascending, but after sharing a quiet evening together before deciding to raid the manor, something inside him had changed. "Astarion, stop. You don’t need to do this. You’ll kill all those spawn," you whimpered, stepping closer to him. Astarion spun towards you, his eyes darkening as his thirst for power began to consume him.

"They're all doomed anyway, Tav. There's no saving them. Unleashing seven thousand bloodthirsty spawn into the world is foolish. This is the best method to protect us, to protect you," he said, desperation evident in his voice, but there was also hesitation behind his eyes. He didn't want this.

"As doomed as they may be, Star, we can't kill them. You're not a killer." Stepping towards him, you stopped when his eyes darkened and his body tensed. Letting out a grunt, you threw your body forward, the metal armor pinching your skin from the position as Astarion began to probe around in your head.

"You are not taking this from me, Tav. I won't let you. I'm trying to give us a future together. I'll be able to walk in the sun with you, and you want to take that opportunity away from us and exile us to a life in the shadows?" he spat, smirking when he found what he was looking for in your head. "I won't let you take that away from me, Darling. You are either with me or against me." With that, he ripped Cazador's shirt from his body and brought the tip of the knife to his skin, smirking as it sank into his flesh. Astarion began to carve the runes into Cazador, your sobs filling the room as you tried to kick him from your mind.

-----

You wake, your body throwing itself forward as a sob tears through your throat. It feels as if you can't breathe, as though someone has their hand wrapped around your throat, cutting off your air supply. Leaning forward, you open and close your mouth in an attempt to force air into your lungs. The door to your room swings open, and Jaheira appears in the doorway, her shadow stretching across the floor where the light sits. Halsin quickly follows, sliding between her and the doorframe. He settles himself on the edge of the bed, gently placing his hands over your shoulders.

"My heart, you need to steady your breaths. Remember our breathing routine. In through your nose slowly, and then exhale," Halsin says, grabbing your hand so you can feel the movement of his chest as he begins to breathe, eventually helping you fall into the routine.

"I hope you die screaming."

Opening and closing your mouth, you wipe at your eyes, urging the tears to stop. Licking your lips, you hiccup, letting your gaze meet Halsin's before eventually glancing at Jaheira.

"I'm sorry for waking you both. I know you were prepping for an appearance with Lae'zel tomorrow." A chill shoots through you as your skin begins to cool.

Jaheira smiles gently at you and makes her way to you. "Little cub, there is no reason for you to apologize. I've noticed the nightmares have grown to happen more frequently now that..." Now that you're hitting the one-year mark of running away from Astarion.

Pulling your knees to your chest, you nod, leaning into Halsin slightly. "I know, and they're only going to get worse. It's been a year since I last saw him, Jaheira, and he still manages to torment me from wherever he is." Halsin and Jaheira weren't even exactly sure what transpired between you and Astarion; all they knew is that you ended up in The Grove, begging that they hide you away from him. You were soaked from the rain, and your feet were raw from running. Halsin had been worried you were attacked, but you weren't. Well, not exactly. You never had it in you to tell them just what Astarion did, and that you ran fearing he would find you.

The two glance at you before positioning you between them. While Jaheria assumed a more maternal role in your life, Halsin was someone you admired and trusted. They both enveloped you in blankets as Jaheria softly caressed your back, humming a gentle tune. Closing your eyes, you surrendered to sleep, this time, the nightmares stayed away.

---

You adjust your position on your knees, feeling the dirt seep into your pants as you continue to work the soil. Halsin had convinced you to join him in the garden to harvest tomatoes and plant flowers. It was a welcomed distraction from the events of last night. Wiping your arm across your forehead, you could sense the dirt leaving its mark on your skin. Your hair was tied back in a loose bun, with strands framing your face. As you move slightly, a flash of purple catches your eye, and you look up to see Gale making his way towards the cabin. Standing up, you greet him with a warm smile.

“Gale! It’s wonderful to see you. What brings you all the way here from Waterdeep?” you ask as he nears.

“Well, you know, adventures and... more adventures,” he replies, his grin widening as he takes in your appearance. The last time you saw him, you were curled up in your room, refusing to eat. Halsin had reached out to Gale in hopes of helping you. After weeks of his company, you had finally started eating regularly again, though you remained closed off about what had happened between you and Astarion.

You turn back towards the house before facing Gale again. "They should be inside. Would you like to come in? You must be tired from the journey,” you offer, gesturing towards the open door where Halsin appears. Deep down, you knew Gale was there for a reason. He had minimized his presence to help keep your location concealed, even vowing to only appear if there was something important to discuss.

Gale nodded and followed you into the room, where Halsin welcomed him with a pat on the shoulder. "Welcome, old friend. It's nice to see you again, though I suspect your visit isn't merely for catching up," Halsin remarked, his eyes hardening with his final words. Over the past year, Halsin had become increasingly protective of you, particularly after witnessing your condition when you arrived one rainy night, covered in mud and wounds. Seeing your once fearless and strong demeanor shattered broke him, reigniting feelings he once harbored for you. Since then, he vowed to keep you safe from Astarion.

Gale smiled grimly before turning to face you. Leading you and Halsin to the couch, he sat down and rubbed his hands over his robes. "You know I wouldn't come unless I truly needed your help. You're the only person I trust to carry out this task," he said, capturing your full attention. You hadn't looked at the armor in your wardrobe for over a year. Since the battle with the Elder Brain, you hadn't been the same. The encounter had changed you profoundly, leaving you unable to wield another weapon after being forced to confront innocent souls turned against you.

"As you know, our former companion has embarked on a quest for ascension. Baldur's Gate is in peril as he targets politicians and his spawn overrun the sewers. During his quest, he awakened something that threatens the city. I've consulted with others and you are my last hope. We need our leader and our courageous fighter," Gale explained gently.

Beside you, Halsin tensed and shook his head. "Do you realize what you're asking of her?" he began, rising to confront Gale. "You're sending her back to where she fled from. You're asking her to confront the man she won't even speak of. I refuse to subject her to that. She escaped once; who knows what Astarion will do if he finds her again. We can't risk her safety."

You felt Jaheira's presence behind you as she observed the exchange between Gale and Halsin. "I believe Tav should have a say in this, just as she did regarding her dealings with Bhaal. We trusted her with that decision, and I'm confident we can trust her with this. She won't be alone in facing Astarion; we'll stand by her," Jaheira suggested, always the voice of reason among the three of you.

She had a point. It had been a year since you escaped Astarion, and you had begun to heal. Perhaps facing him with the support of your friends was the final step you needed. You wouldn't be alone, and maybe you could show him that you didn't need him as much as he believed. "I think it's time I face him, Halsin. I can't move forward if I can't muster the courage to confront Astarion and show him that I'm thriving without him. Besides, I can't turn away from adventure. Astarion is endangering the city, and I feel compelled to stop him," you said gently, resting your hand on his arm.

Halsin hesitated before nodding. Gale clapped his hands together, a gentle smile on his face as he looked between the three of you. "Excellent. We should make haste; Shadowheart is due to arrive in the city tonight. We can use the Sigil to expedite our journey. It's time to don that armor, Tav; you'll need it," he said, locking eyes with you.

---

Your arrival in Baldur’s Gate certainly didn't go unnoticed, especially not with the ear-splitting shriek that Shadowheart let out upon seeing you. Her arms wrapped tightly around you, nearly causing both of you to topple to the ground. Returning her embrace, you let out a hearty laugh before pulling away to take in her appearance. She looked better than ever, her silver hair standing out against her skin. Her eyes seemed softer, and she genuinely appeared happier than the last time you had seen her.

"My gods, Tav, it's been forever since I've seen you. You were missed at the celebration Withers threw," she exclaimed, pausing to brush your bangs from your face. "Astarion was looking for you there. I was surprised you weren't by his side as usual. He grilled Gale and me for hours, trying to glean any information about your whereabouts. Considering what he's become, Tav, I don't blame you for disappearing. If we encounter him here, I promise I won't hesitate to have Gale fry him alive with a fireball," she added gently, causing a soft smile to spread across your lips as she squeezed your arms gently.

You and your small group made your way to Elfsong Tavern, where the entire top floor was reserved for your crew, a small perk after saving the city from mass destruction and assisting in its rebuilding. Stepping into the room, you glanced toward the side where you and Astarion had spent many nights discussing your future before confronting Cazador. It was a time when both of you were genuinely happy, before he became a stranger.

Snapping out of your reverie, you stretched your arms and set your things down near the bed. Shadowheart watched you from across the room before deciding to set up her bed next to yours. "I figured since you're over here alone, I'd join you," she said, her reasoning clear. The memories that lingered in this room had the potential to destroy you, and she didn't want you to face them alone. A small part of you was grateful for her presence.

Gale once again volunteered to cook dinner, resulting in Halsin pleading with him not to touch the food. As you sat back and watched the others bicker, a small smile spread across your face at the sight. It reminded you of the days you traveled together, how close you all were, and the strange little family you had become. All that was missing were a few friends and a vampire desperate for your attention. Frowning at the thought, you looked out the window, watching as people came and went from the tavern. It wasn't until a flash of white hair caught your eye that you stood.