layin' in the grass

I text my sister

I start looking for your face now

Will you look different?

I see you and

It’s like a movie

A stupid movie

A stupid girl

She sees this guy. The guy.

The guy she’s been thinking about

The guy who didn’t realize when she was crying

The guy who didn’t walk me out to my car the next morning.

The guy I didn’t think I would ever see again

But there he was

In the middle of a sea of people I know

People I grew up around

People I went to middle school with

Teachers who like me because they had my brother the year before.

My middle school best friend’s boyfriend.

They’re still together.

But I’m here by myself

I know almost everyone here

But you.

You’re a stranger.

You don’t see me

I knew you wouldn’t

Would you have recognized me?

Said hello?

Asked how I’ve been?

You were with that same girl you were hanging out with when I knew you

And a new girl

She looked cool

She probably doesn’t cry when you’re inside her

Maybe she’s also having sex with everyone else in town

Cool girl with a cool curly wolf cut

Cool clothes, cool boots

And I was there in my work clothes, just wanted to pay my respects.

Never occurred to me you would even be there

Back in Lexington.

Did you think of me?

The girl who lived in the middle of nowhere

You couldn’t find her driveway

The streetlight behind you obscuring your face, lighting up your hair like a halo

I was super cool that night

Before you knew me and I knew you

Just two people

You brought condoms and a Heineken

Next time I went to your place

I felt like I had been there before

I see your shadow again, this time through the sheet you hung up as a curtain.

The ugliest “curtain” I’d ever seen

I love your house

I think I love you

You fucked me on the couch

We talked after the fact

You said you weren’t monogamous

But this is all just for me right now

Now all I can think about is who else you’ll be sticking it in tomorrow

You have laundry on your bed

We’re on the bed too though

I start crying

You didn’t notice

You asked me something

My response was “I think I need to go home”

And here you are

In my fucking hometown again

Surrounded by my teachers

My neighbors

My classmates

I saw you

And you didn’t see me

Didn’t even look in my direction

These dreams that keep in limbo

Somewhere after reconciliation

But still separated.

Somewhere in between is where I see you.

That is how I know you.

How I remember you.

I remember not hearing from you.

It’s like before when we were growing apart.

Is this my subconscious trying to go back and start over?

Keep us from drifting apart?

I keep believing it’s real

Like you were really there

But I don’t really remember not having them.

I remember waking up this morning

And it was like a flash

A reminder of what I had felt, seen, heard, smelled, touched.

Another room.

Another bed.

You by my side.

I wake up alone again.

It’s dark inside.

There’s a car in the driveway.

But there’s Nobody Home.

I used to keep that lamp on.

I used to turn that lamp off.

There’s no one on the couch.

Or watching tv.

His coffee cup in the microwave.

Already gone cold again.

Strike a match.

I miss you.

Light a candle.

I miss you.

cold wind - nose grind

picnic table scribbles

dog walkers - zip line

wrap you in my blanket

cold nose - cold ears

smoke a joint with you

hold me tight - little spoon

i havent got a clue

tell my friends - drive home

scream in the car

dinner time - tell my brother

they met at the skatepark

all the while - silly me

im floating on a cloud

think I could be in love again

maybe he'll make me proud

Pink Floyd - Division Bell

I didnt think youd be so sweet

James Brown - Try Me

your tongue behind her teeth

nose stud - vape store

"Sarah says hi"

call my phone - stop the car

It’s already dark out

First, I change into something cozy

I sit on the couch

I feel the need to cry

Not like I’m sad about anything

Am I?

Still having these vague dreams

Flashes of light

A hug or a kiss

Some short lived ecstasy

You are somewhere between it all

Watching me

You’re just there

In the corner of my eye

Talking with your friends

I just wanna be done

I haven't written about it

No journaling

No diary entries

Just me thinking

Everyday

Everynight

Thinking about you, I suppose

And I guess thinking about me too.

I just can't believe I let this happen again.

My therapist showed me this poem

And it starts out with walking down the sidewalk.

Then you fall into a dark hole & can't get out.

Anyway it just keeps repeating,

You keep falling into the hole;

I keep falling into the hole.

I don't know why I can't seem to learn my lesson.

I keep thinking there must truly be something wrong with me.

I think alot about what's to come,

You know, later on down the line.

Will I be alone?

I have thought about these things for my entire life.

I have always wanted these things so deepy

And so truly.

Of course I know what I want,

I have always known.

I guess I just couldn't tell you.

Because I know that's not ever what you had in mind.

How were we just able to have a frank discussion the other night, and then all of a sudden.

Am I talking to someone else now?

Did you really just tell me what I wanted to hear?

Was this all just to inflate your ego?

But you seemed so sincere.

And that night when we kissed next to you car-

It was your tenderness that unnerved me.

The last thing I wrote was

'Please don't hurt me again'

I could feel my defenses weakening.

I was falling all over again.

Overindulging.

I thought I was safe again.

I wonder what you make of all of this.

Are you disapointed?

We both know it's for the best.

Your shitty phone camera doesn't do you justice;

Wouldn't even if you culd take a decent picture of yourself.

Your face is fucking beautiful.

That smile of yours is absolutely adorable.

I would've kissed you even though our breath smelled like cheese.

I kinda thought I would get a kiss.

But I chose to ask questions.

I looked so pretty,

With my pink hair and yellow babydoll dress.

My little feet adorned with frilly socks and beaten up old tennis shoes.

Holding your hand

Talking shit about all the big fancy houses we passed by.

I kinda thought you wanted to make it work.

At least, that's what you lead me to believe;

I told you I didn't want to do the same thing again,

Make the same mistakes.

But I left crying again

Confused again

I tried to text you and make some sense of my stupid thoughts.

And I did alot better that time around.

You however,

You disapointed me.

Maybe I misunderstood

Again

Maybe you and I really just aren't compatible.

Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

Or it could be you

We certainly can't rule that one out.

The power's out

I guess the wind knocked something over

New friend

I figured out what it was, just asked my phone but we were excited about it

I haven’t listened to it since I downloaded it

But I scrolled past it when I was on the way to work the other day

You were so sweet last night I almost melted into a puddle right at your feet

as you kissed me pressed up against your car

college kids stumbled past us while we talked quietly between breathless giggles

I tried to ignore them

You were all I could really see anyway..

Your beautiful fucking face filling up the entirety of my vision

Every time we said goodnight

Each time we broke apart

We could not stay that way for long

I dreaded actually having to go back to the bar with my friends

But at the same time,

I knew all I wanted was a cheeky kiss behind your car

I like sticking to my guns

I hope you're ready for me to keep doing it

Because I don't think I'm ready yet

I don't know how long it'll be until I am

But I have a feeling you'll wait patiently

Kissing me sweetly on my neck

It was so tender

I wasn't expecting that tenderness

So sweet

So so sweet

You got me again

I'm scared of getting hurt again.

Isn't this the time that they're usually out blinking and flickering about?

I can't even remember the last time I saw one

Until tonight.

Walking home from dinner at my grandmother's house and I saw several.

And now that I see them, it reminds me of the Mimosa trees

The way there are still a few fluffy pink blossoms way up high in the tops of the trees

So I guess you've been thinking about me?

That's the only onclusion I can come to.

I asked you not so directly if you had been.

But you always seem to give me a vague answer.

This, we will need to remedy.

I'd like to talk to you a little bit more.

Now that the initial shock of your proposal has worn off

I've been thinking.

What are your intentions this time around?

I forgot to ask you last week

And I was too busy making googley eyes at you all day Saturday

I couldn't have thought straight even if I wanted to.

Then I went and had that hefty glass of "Love Drunk Rose"

I thought it was only appropriate

I can't help myself.

Thinking about you now

Again

In this way that I have been telling myself not to think of you anymore.

You want me again.

Have you always wanted me?

What will you do differently this time?

How will you show me?

I think you definitely already have (:3)

I can't deny that I find you very compelling

Your eyes are so deep

I could literally spend a whole day just staring into your eyes

Melting

I'm already gushing over you again

I feel like I can't though.

My sister remided me I can indulge a little bit.

You did come back, afterall.

This time, I do have expectations.

Since I saw you on Saturday

I've been thinking about you and me

The way we were together before

So close

And so hot

I've been thinking alot about your hair

How it looks splayed out on the pillows on my bed

I wanna kiss you again

I wanna really kiss you again

The kind of searing kiss that I couldn't give you last week

On account of my very big smile

Blushing and giggling and trying not to get too ahead of myself

You told me you know some secret spots on the river

I want you to show me

And if there's no one around

I want you to take a bite out of me

A big juicy bite

I have something for you

Something I want to give you

I think you'll like it

It's something I haven't been able to keep my mind off of

I think you wore that skirt on Saturday because you know how much I like it

And I hope you know that I wore that top so you'd look at my chest.

We looked really good

Very complimentary of one another, I dare say.

I'm so glad I wore the gold earrings