La Sirena de Luz

Fade away into nothingness because I feel like nothing will get better. That I won’t get better. That I can’t do better. That’s there’s no hope for the future.

I felt a lot of anger this morning and I just thrashed around my room to try and make it go away. It’s still here, right in the middle of my chest like a giant weight.

I don’t know what’s right anymore. What’s the right thing to do, when is the right time, the right thing to say.

One of my biggest struggles in my relationships is feeling like my feelings are bigger than everything else going on. I forget (not because I want to) about my partner’s feelings in those moments when something goes wrong. Even though they express to me how they feel, anything that I’m feeling overwhelms me and I tend to impulsively blame the other person for the way I’m feeling. In times when I don’t blame the other person, I just self destruct and tell myself that I’m an awful human.

Lately, in my Instagram doom scrolling, I saw a video from a content creator that I really respect and admire. She also struggles with BPD and talks openly about her emotional dysregulation and how her and her partner navigate their conflicts. She said something in a video that really resonated with me, and it has kinda become my mantra:

“The thing that’s important is not assessing whether or not we’re ‘healed’, but assessing whether or not we are ready to accept accountability and maintain accountability”

This is my journey. Holding myself to a higher standard of accountability and letting my loved ones know that their feelings are valid. I need to keep reminding myself that in days when I unintentionally take a step backwards, I’m not failing.

I’m good enough.

I think I have borderline personality disorder.

I’ve always struggled with regulating my emotions, and after doing some research…it’s scary accurate.

Being sad, angry, inconsolable, irrational, and impulsive are all the things I fear about myself. Being told that when I’m angry and dysregulated is scary for other people to see…makes me feel like some kind of monster. But I know I’m not a monster, I’m just learning how to understand myself. After 31 years, Im finally seeing some glimpses of who I actually am and not who I thought I was.

Yesterday was a hard day. Hard for me personally with my relationship, and hard at a work event. I spent most of the day crying and tearing open my heart to try and pick apart all the things I’m feeling. I spent the early evening dealing with an unreasonable and disrespectful child. I came home wanting to lash out, feeling like I couldn’t control my limbs, like I couldn’t slow down. Everything was in a haze and I just couldn’t shake the feeling in my chest and the pit of my stomach. All I wanted to do was shut down…and I couldn’t. I was just angry. Angry at myself, angry at that kid, angry at my past. It was overwhelming.

I continually struggle validating my partner’s feelings, because in the moment of our hard conversations, I feel like I’m being attacked or accused of my behavior. All she’s trying to do is bring my behavior to my attention…and I somehow impulsively say something that will make it selfishly about me. I tend to misread other peoples thoughts and feelings; I constantly feel like people are out to get me. When I feel like this, is when I tend to shut down, shut people out, and retreat to somewhere deep within myself while continuing to self destruct.

It’s not that I don’t care, because I care deeply. It’s like…I have a blind spot. I can’t see past certain things because I’m so focused on the surface level of what’s being told to me, and I take things too personally. I care so much that it physically hurts me when I’m caught in the blind spot and I realize it, then I just feel stupid and ashamed of my mistake.

Changing behaviors is hard. Changing mindsets is hard. Change is hard, but not impossible. Recognizing you need change is the first step, right?

I have caused a lot of pain based on the actions I have taken. Actions that, in the moment, I didn’t understand how much damage they could cause. I have made choices that affect my mental well being as well as the health of my loved one. All because of unconscious selfish intentions. Were they selfish? Yes, because I was benefitting somehow from those actions.

I have chased pleasure in many forms; sexual, physical, emotional, mental. But rarely have I tried to cultivate my own pleasure through healthy experiences. It’s usually about pleasing the people around me, and in turn, finding pleasure along the way. Even when I perform in the theater….a lot of that pleasure I get is knowing that I made a bunch of strangers feel something from my performance. Yes, I do get a lot of satisfaction from creating art….but I also find that I just want to be the best…the favorite…the star in the limelight. I still unfortunately do this in my own relationship…I try to hard to be the center of their world as well as make them the center of my own.

It may stem from the fact that I always wanted to please my parents, and I kept trying to do things that would make them proud or happy for me. When I fell short, I felt like it was the end of the world. I still feel that way in my current relationship. When I’m not successful or “winning”….I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. RSD doesn’t help either.

I always felt like I wasn’t good enough around friends a lot too. Like my peers were more successful, happier, having more experiences, living life bigger than me. I suppose I’ve been suffering from imposter FOMO for years.

So when I feel like I have good intentions and my actions don’t align with my intentions…I feel like a failure too. I feel like I lied to myself and to the people who were involved. I said I was going to do one thing…and another thing happened. Im left to face those consequences after the action…and I end up feeling like a chump. Then the cycle starts over. Intention. Misaligned action. Consequences. Shame.

When I have thoughts or intentions that only benefit me, and I make the choice to act upon it…I feel selfish and ugly. I feel like I’m not deserving of grace or redemption….this is where I’m at right now. I made choices that only brought me pleasure..and someone else pain. My loved one is suffering because I made them feel like they weren’t good enough. That the pleasure they offered me wasn’t good enough.

The thing is…the pleasure my loved one offers are the things I’ve never received from anyone including my parents. Love, safety, security, understanding. I value these things much more than any amount of sex I could get. Sex is physical and temporary and numbing…I don’t want temporary. I want things that will benefit me in the long term.