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Acquired Stardust
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@sopranerd

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SCOOBY-DOO 2002, dir. Raja Gosnell
I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Anjelica Huston as Morticia Addams in The Addams Family (1991) & Addams Family Values (1993)

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It's me. I'm the distant aunt.
Today is one of those days where I want to disappear.
Fade away into nothingness because I feel like nothing will get better. That I wonāt get better. That I canāt do better. Thatās thereās no hope for the future.
I felt a lot of anger this morning and I just thrashed around my room to try and make it go away. Itās still here, right in the middle of my chest like a giant weight.
I donāt know whatās right anymore. Whatās the right thing to do, when is the right time, the right thing to say.
All I know is today is an awful day. Maybe tomorrow will be betterā¦shame that today is only starting.
Mainting Accountability
One of my biggest struggles in my relationships is feeling like my feelings are bigger than everything else going on. I forget (not because I want to) about my partnerās feelings in those moments when something goes wrong. Even though they express to me how they feel, anything that Iām feeling overwhelms me and I tend to impulsively blame the other person for the way Iām feeling. In times when I donāt blame the other person, I just self destruct and tell myself that Iām an awful human.
Lately, in my Instagram doom scrolling, I saw a video from a content creator that I really respect and admire. She also struggles with BPD and talks openly about her emotional dysregulation and how her and her partner navigate their conflicts. She said something in a video that really resonated with me, and it has kinda become my mantra:
āThe thing thatās important is not assessing whether or not weāre āhealedā, but assessing whether or not we are ready to accept accountability and maintain accountabilityā
This is my journey. Holding myself to a higher standard of accountability and letting my loved ones know that their feelings are valid. I need to keep reminding myself that in days when I unintentionally take a step backwards, Iām not failing.
Iām good enough.
Iām worthy of love, even self love.
come on brain yip yip
Struggling
I think I have borderline personality disorder.
Iāve always struggled with regulating my emotions, and after doing some researchā¦itās scary accurate.
Being sad, angry, inconsolable, irrational, and impulsive are all the things I fear about myself. Being told that when Iām angry and dysregulated is scary for other people to seeā¦makes me feel like some kind of monster. But I know Iām not a monster, Iām just learning how to understand myself. After 31 years, Im finally seeing some glimpses of who I actually am and not who I thought I was.
Yesterday was a hard day. Hard for me personally with my relationship, and hard at a work event. I spent most of the day crying and tearing open my heart to try and pick apart all the things Iām feeling. I spent the early evening dealing with an unreasonable and disrespectful child. I came home wanting to lash out, feeling like I couldnāt control my limbs, like I couldnāt slow down. Everything was in a haze and I just couldnāt shake the feeling in my chest and the pit of my stomach. All I wanted to do was shut downā¦and I couldnāt. I was just angry. Angry at myself, angry at that kid, angry at my past. It was overwhelming.
I continually struggle validating my partnerās feelings, because in the moment of our hard conversations, I feel like Iām being attacked or accused of my behavior. All sheās trying to do is bring my behavior to my attentionā¦and I somehow impulsively say something that will make it selfishly about me. I tend to misread other peoples thoughts and feelings; I constantly feel like people are out to get me. When I feel like this, is when I tend to shut down, shut people out, and retreat to somewhere deep within myself while continuing to self destruct.
Itās not that I donāt care, because I care deeply. Itās likeā¦I have a blind spot. I canāt see past certain things because Iām so focused on the surface level of whatās being told to me, and I take things too personally. I care so much that it physically hurts me when Iām caught in the blind spot and I realize it, then I just feel stupid and ashamed of my mistake.
Changing behaviors is hard. Changing mindsets is hard. Change is hard, but not impossible. Recognizing you need change is the first step, right?
I just keep telling myself: I can do hard things. I am capable. I am determined. I am strong.

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Intentions vs actions
I have caused a lot of pain based on the actions I have taken. Actions that, in the moment, I didnāt understand how much damage they could cause. I have made choices that affect my mental well being as well as the health of my loved one. All because of unconscious selfish intentions. Were they selfish? Yes, because I was benefitting somehow from those actions.
I have chased pleasure in many forms; sexual, physical, emotional, mental. But rarely have I tried to cultivate my own pleasure through healthy experiences. Itās usually about pleasing the people around me, and in turn, finding pleasure along the way. Even when I perform in the theaterā¦.a lot of that pleasure I get is knowing that I made a bunch of strangers feel something from my performance. Yes, I do get a lot of satisfaction from creating artā¦.but I also find that I just want to be the bestā¦the favoriteā¦the star in the limelight. I still unfortunately do this in my own relationshipā¦I try to hard to be the center of their world as well as make them the center of my own.
It may stem from the fact that I always wanted to please my parents, and I kept trying to do things that would make them proud or happy for me. When I fell short, I felt like it was the end of the world. I still feel that way in my current relationship. When Iām not successful or āwinningāā¦.I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. RSD doesnāt help either.
I always felt like I wasnāt good enough around friends a lot too. Like my peers were more successful, happier, having more experiences, living life bigger than me. I suppose Iāve been suffering from imposter FOMO for years.
So when I feel like I have good intentions and my actions donāt align with my intentionsā¦I feel like a failure too. I feel like I lied to myself and to the people who were involved. I said I was going to do one thingā¦and another thing happened. Im left to face those consequences after the actionā¦and I end up feeling like a chump. Then the cycle starts over. Intention. Misaligned action. Consequences. Shame.
When I have thoughts or intentions that only benefit me, and I make the choice to act upon itā¦I feel selfish and ugly. I feel like Iām not deserving of grace or redemptionā¦.this is where Iām at right now. I made choices that only brought me pleasure..and someone else pain. My loved one is suffering because I made them feel like they werenāt good enough. That the pleasure they offered me wasnāt good enough.
The thing isā¦the pleasure my loved one offers are the things Iāve never received from anyone including my parents. Love, safety, security, understanding. I value these things much more than any amount of sex I could get. Sex is physical and temporary and numbingā¦I donāt want temporary. I want things that will benefit me in the long term.
One day at a timeā¦I can redeem myself through making better choices, taking actions that will bring me real change and true joy.
na
life could be a dream
the best thing about tumblr is that you can watch a show and then you come here and someone has made a gifset of it and you can put it on your blog like a sticker in a journal

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The blonde doctor ladies that bossed people around and were experts in their fields and may have had a formative influence on my childhood
the brunettes with swords in high concept historical fiction movies that i was obsessed with in my youth
oh shit i forgot the king
i dont need therapy i need to be 8 years old at halloween again
I need to be sitting on the carpet with my siblings taking all the candy out of our baskets and sorting it into piles by type and trading the ones we donāt like