digital diary :)

I do it to protect myself. I cut out any emotion or empathy, so I won't get hurt. So I won't start crying. It's more of a safety mechanism than anything else. I don't want to act this way. But I do and I feel like I can't do anything about. I'm just so terrified to get hurt again or show any vulnerability.

Never had that server of an allergic reaction, never saw one. So idk why I'm so scared of one. No reason to be. My theory is that it came from taking lsd. But idk.

I sometimes pray to a god I know doesn't exist. But for a tiny moment, when I feel bad, god does exist. It helps me for a short minute. It helps to take the weight off of my shoulders. But it never lasts long. I cannot believe in a god, even if I tried.

Everything I want is a relationship with a deep connection. Nothing more, nothing less.

Me like 10 times a day

I wish I didn't have bpd.

I know that my friends love me and that I can trust them.

I wish it was cloudy and chilly out. I'd actually be alot happier. I love winter and autumn. I feel like i have the opposite of winter depression. Summer makes me depressed. Winter and Autumn make me happy.

I might never find a job again. I don't want to live in a world like this.

I wish I looked good in bed. I wish I could have sex with the lights on.

I wish my friends lived closer to me. I feel so disconnected and isolated from everyone around me.