Geekalot

I look up to you with hopeful distaste In the dead of night, I wail While my life's in disarray You twinkle without fail

Oh cruel empathy A pitiful way to be I feel, I suffer, I see Is this my humanity? Hardwired to help At the expense of myself Is this payment for my debt Inactions I regret Kindness is not kindness without empathy Is what I say to not feel guilty To not be sorry For giving until I'm empty Am I ascending? Am I a better human being? Who am I kidding Kick the pedestal on where I'm standing Hallowed be my name Patron saint of altruistic shame Offer myself until maimed Conscience, full of stains You can't call this divinity Hollowed out by empathy Devoured until I ceased to be Nothing to spare not even my misery

My Shadow, who breaks my descent My Shadow, pushes me towards light The closer I get Silhouette on the floor Breaks my fall Silhouette on the wall

I find ways too see myself in others To put it simply, the mirror doesn't cut it no more Puckered up, I'd like to be smothered A hard on with meself cause everyone's a bore

Swear, I ain't no alcoholic But damn well, I love getting off of it Gulp it all down and let it drip down my throat Lapses of judgment, playing hero, what a joke Even for only one night, just one night, it lets me breathe Clears my head, gives me hope, drown me as you please Fill up my lungs with liquid bravado And let me choke with my own laughter Ego overflowing just like this bottle am chugging Blurred thoughts but misery's at the backseat, that I'm certain At this instance I feel, I hope, I know I will be alright Wake up the next day with dread lodged in my wind pipe Piecing up all the missing pieces Pretty sure I was a piece of shit No doubt, an asshole of all seasons Ah, consequences, neck deep in this pit Feeling queasy and to put it simply, I have no will to live Still I've hurt so many, I need to make right what I did Inaction, fucking inaction, that I can no longer take I've let go too many times, maybe this time it's not too late

One thing is for certain Molten thoughts continue brewing My fury, a beautiful maiden Took her hand, she took my entire being Epiphany in a guilt ridden bath My parents aren't to blame Maybe I am no son of wrath Maybe, no, I am wrath incarnate

Hardly breathing Hardly living Ah, so fucking frustrating I have been in and out of it Misery has a chokehold on my dick Well I can't say I don't enjoy it Inhaling suffering a tad bit Gives me a kick in the balls, so euphoric The rush, oh the rush at the edge of a cliff Churns my stomach, boils my blood, burns my eyes to a crisp I feel good when misfortune strikes Makes my life worthwhile Maybe because I deserve it I do deserve it, I fucking deserve it, every bit of it This ain't no sad excuse For a pathetic recluse Redemption, nah, that ain't it Resilience can also suck it Down to it's shaft then gargle it I refuse to die cause I'm afraid of it Keeps me awake at night Scared to twist the knife Stubbornness will suffice At the meantime, look alive There's still evil inside Pure evil Your fuel You ain't done yet Kindness? yeah, you still have some left Maybe a little bit So look alive, damn it

I'd rather be wrapped around a tree Tie my mangled body round the ole oak tree

Humans are easy to sway I ain't proud of it I try to keep them at bay But I'm too honest, every word, every spit They gobble it up Gospel from someone who is full of shit This need to stop I ain't no all knowing being, I'm jack of all shit

I can't even sleep right, a hopeless case

Not pressured by society's silly norms More like questioning why I was even born

I feel more hollow day by day This is unhealthy but I wouldn't have it any other way A soul so young at the precipice of decay Birthed dead on arrival some might say Still trying, really I am But I am too aware For this mundane realm My ego, my despair It is all a cycle Of self-doubt and a brief stint of confidence A conclusive trial Guilty of condemning one's own existence All that I love, all that I cherish Are now all but fleeting memories Will to live has fervently perished Numb to the bone, dreamless reveries

Purifying cleaning paste Polish those decaying molars Dread in-between lies in wait Spit out scabs and scars

Can I even call this a home anymore Dust from my skin piled up in every corner Months? No, it has been already a year Each fiber of my being stood still Once I'm inside, my body utterly crumbles My bed, my only friend, full of stains and regrets Walls staring back deep in my soul All hollow, held by strings, like a marionette Strung above by the neck Immobile but without rest Hovering without any signs of life I'm my home's own poltergeist

Desire to be desired Reek of desperation and ire To exist to be only liked No perfume can mask your putrid life A kind of man you hated sincerely Now you are in his shoes Don't lie, you bask in their idolatry Sadder than a pathetic recluse Your reflection in the mirror A crooked shadowy figure Lurking for selfish affections Self-absorbed, maniac of deception A sad excuse of life Their souls you defiled All your so called morals down the drain For a few minutes of ego pleasuring games Better turn back or get dead soon In your heart of hearts, regret is more lethal Lust for self-glory is low even for you So keep it in your pants, tightly zippered

Meaningful or swiftly Both sounds so enticing Hot lead or mangled body Knocks on my door, so inviting Savior or painless Dreaming of pushing up daisies Mercy or selfless The end of eternal stasis Sweet surrender or ascended human Does it really even matter Hero or hangman Final relief of a whimper

So here you are playing hero again Foolish man child Barely breathing, go sleep in your den Better shut em tight Your self-righteous eyes Who the fuck are you trying to impress You're halfway there One way ticket to Hell Don't you ever try again No one cares You can never save them all You said it yourself You can't even save a single soul Pretentious lies, lay them to rest Just, just rot in your bed The skies still blue as you said Wrong, skies are greying above your head Don't get up, it hurts your decrepit legs The wall you've broken through Was all a lie, you delusional fool Huh, still can't accept it, I see Those you hurt, you try to mend with half-assed apologies Remember, one even drowned at sea While the other one, silenced on a hospital gurney The night the waves were taking you away, you should've let them be Oh, still here, but you're about break All the so called good your doing Doesn't mean jack shit, nothing matters. y'all ingrates Your moral code, is just your ego imploding When will you comprehend, You're genuinely fake Hmm, you still think you're incapable of giving up Well, let me tell you something, you one sick fuck To hell with your golden heart You truly know, they'll ravish it till it rips apart So why do you keep getting back up, you are one sick fuck Ah, fuck it, seems I lost this one, your turn I have no reason for my being I say I am evil, truly I am. I deserve to burn But if this so called good I am doing lets me keep on breathing Then, here goes nothing