Ashtxn

I cant get the audio file to upload so you'll just have to be stuck with this video

Lyrics ⬇️

the depression is under control!

no it's not, don't you ever stop lying? damn.

/lyr

wanted to draw a little "homage" to my love/connection for pinkamena. it goes wayyy back. the earliest i can remember drawing her was maybe in 2013/2014, something like that. i was maybe 10 years old, in my silly creepypasta phase, and i thought that a evil killaaa pony was cool and edgy. and i used to draw her with a sick scar over her eye as well xd. i don't remember much else other than "cool evil killer emo pony", but at some point in 2016/2017 i started watching narrations of the very specific pinkamena tumblr ask blog, that showcased a more gloomy and depressing side of pinkamena's fan-made character, instead of the typical "crazy chainsaw nightcore murderer" version that i was used to as a child. i discovered this just in time in my preteen years, where my mental problems started to become more apparent.

i liked the straight-forward, kind of comedic way of portraying depression in the canon show, where pinkie pie just suddenly, in a second, completely switches, and her hair turns straight and she has a huge frown on her face. its very literal, very sudden, and i get it, its a kids cartoon, it was supose to be kinda funny to see the cotton candy fluffy pony getting really sad really fast. and some people might say that it's innaccurate, but for me, and my mood-swing issues, i like how literal it is, it's sort of relatable. and her moody, long straight-haired, more greyed out "pinkamena design" is so appealing to me. i made so much art of her, in this more "vent-style" fashion after 2017. kind of taking her character more seriously rather than comedically or "creepypasta-ish....ly".

i have drawn her on so many school work notebooks, so many pieces have been thrown to the trash, some digital art has just been completely lost, i just never really stopped drawing her. whenever i felt bad or shitty, she immediately came to mind. i drew her ugly, thin-haired, angry, gruesome, but also sometimes all dolled-up, pretty, decora-fied. she was just a comfort/vent character that was always there beside me.

and i also had a big love for the fluttershyxpinkiepie ship, and i had my own headcanons about them and how they emotionally support eachother, so i often drew them together, usually fluttershy comforting pinkamena. it was also vent art, because i constantly craved for someone to just hear me out, hold me, and not be mad at me even at my angriest, most miserable, and ugliest.

my love for this character grew so much that i even made a kinsona named Home, very similar to pinkamena's design, but with lighter pink shades, shorter hair and alot of body picking scars, representing my dermatophagia. so art of her shows up alot too in my sketchbooks.

and looking back at my art archives, i've noticed that i haven't really drawn pinkamena in a hot minute, even though my mental state has not gotten better. i have just gotten "better" (more frozen/numb) at not making vent art anymore. so she doesn't appear that much anymore. but i wanted to make a little piece to kind of look back on myself and my connection with this pony, and to see how my perspectives have changed.

in the canon show, and in basically everyone's headcanons of pinkie pie, it is clearly shown that the happy pinkie pie is the "default" state, and "pinkamena" is her "evil depression mode xdddd" that shows up rarely. but in my own headcanon, the "pinkamena" is the default state, and the happy pinkie pie is the face that shows up rarely. this is because of well, my depression. to be more specific, i have manic depression, which is the cause behind my mood swings and manic episodes. 80 percent of the time i feel blank, anxious, numb and very irritable.

and that little pink happy pony is the little light inside my heart, that is just really really really stuck, with gorilla glue or some shit and is very hard to pull out. so in this piece i sort of tried to show the dialogue that pinkie is having with herself, circa the lyrics - arguing with herself, trying to gaslight herself that "guys, i feel good right now, my eyes are bright, the sky is blue, im finally healed, i have it under control!" and then a few days later, depression comes back and spits in her face like "fuck you, no you don't, i still feel like shit".

years of living with mood swings fucks up your perception of your own sanity. you can't tell anymore if you actually have any hope inside of you or is it just the manic episodes that give you adrenaline. and then when you feel good, you feel like anything is possible and everything is beautiful and the hell is finally over, and then the next day comes and its all over again.

its exhausting, its not cute, its not quirky, its EXHAUSTING. i cant tell what my actual personality is anymore, my opinions change constantly depending on my mood, im antisocial, i dont want to talk to anyone, and then i feel bad for not having friends, and then when someone tries to talk to me, i just feel an unbearable rage and annoyance.