im at my most gender confused time of my life which is rlly funny because isnt this the type of shit that a person should experience during their teenage years? xddd im 23 now and i keep looking at myself and thinking DAMN im the shittiest girl ever but i could also never be a man.
i love looking at cutesy girly vlogs about girly selfcare and skincare and ribbons in your hair and drinking special teas accordingly to the day of your cycle and decorating your room with cute coquette vintage toys and trinket dishes and golden jewelery and frilly dresses and pink pilates girl workout clothes - love that shit. UNFORTUNATELY. UN.FORT.TU.NA.TELY.
i can never pull that off xd im not girl-enough for that. i have the face, the shoulder frame, the hair, the posture, the body language, the voice, the humour, the speaking tone - of a dude. i wouldn't say a MAN. but a dude. and i am so awfully confused with myself. i want to wear pastels and pink, i want to smell like candy and lotion my body every evening with cupcake vanilla body butter, i want to wear cute plush keychains on my bag, i want to wear skirts, i want to be bubbly, i want to wear false eyelashes, i want to have my nails done, BUT why would i bother doing all of this shit when i still look in the mirror and see a miserable old skinny, lanky, weirdly buff looking man? when i see my own eyes it doesnt matter anymore that i have a bunch of yummy perfumes on my skin, it doesnt matter that i have like 50 hairclips with cute charms on them in my drawer, because i cant utilize any of it.
when i dress up in the things i find cute, fun and uplifting, seeing myself in those clothes in the mirror makes me want to gag. it feels so wrong.
let me catch you up real fast. im a cis female. im born female. im a female.
but in my mind i feel like i was BORN a man and i desperately want to transition into a woman.
whole bunch of complicated shit brain worms going on here.
i WANT to be feminine, i want to be girly and gentle and softspoken and loving myself, but i cant. i am an absolute DUDE MAN and i can only ever feel comfortable seeing myself in the mirror or going outside only if im presenting AT LEAST on the more androgynous side. i dont like showing off my skinny arms because theyre not "cute petite girl doll skinny", but "lean tall 15 year old eboy skinny". i look fucking stupid with long hair, i look way too androgynous with short hair, i look bad with bangs, i look bad without bangs.
i cant escape the fact that i just look androgynous, and its pissing me off. i have the body of a running sport athlete male with broad shoulders and weird fucked up muscle-ey legs but with DD cup tits. what the actual fuck is my build.
basically im here to find a resolution for myself somehow. like yes i can just be MYSELF lol. i can be this weird ugly nonbinary looking freak and still like cupcakes and rainbows and unicorn frappuccinos or whatever the fuck. but its hard. this is just a road of self-acceptance, because i dont think i could ever pull off a feminine vibe. im too manly looking for that.
i just get so envious of girls that are girly
andulkaphoto
areudirty
izzy806
stormborns
romaincrisis