Loving The Black I Live

Photo by Bleu Lou.

I purposed my golden tiger eye for personal success. I imagined this spilling over into my small business & motherhood as well; an encompassing “success” if you will. Golden tiger eye is known to assist with accomplishing goals, business ventures, & personal empowerment. I felt that my Botswana agate journey was transitioning once I: felt emotionally stable consistently, was able to observe my emotions instead of becoming them, and once I found myself only thinking & feeling for D2R (my personal art, and gateway for expression). My journey with golden tiger eye has been more inward than I expected. I mean, what is “success”?

When I first started wearing golden tiger eye, I swore up & down that it wasn’t working. Maybe I wasn’t in tune yet? WRONG! Soon after that self pushback I was slapped with the quest to feel & see what was instead, in the way of my success. It had everything to do with me of course.

First stop, my relationship with relationships; friends, romantic, & family. Up until this point my life revolved around relationships, and what others thought & felt about me. This theme had been lingering from my Botswana agate, which now rests on my alter. I found myself questioning; “why don’t you value friendships”, “why don’t you value relationships in general?”, “do you have fears of attachment? Abandonment? (*screams, ‘YES!!’)” “Why are people so easily disposable?”

Conclusion: Yes. I am easily detached. This may have been a coping mechanism developed by me as a child to protect myself. I also didn’t grow up around much family so, the desire to have many bonds with folk really ain’t my cup of tea. I value personal space & time. && That’s ok with me. I had to realize that I am of a certain essence. I am naturally loyal, honest, and growth provoking. My complete energy isn’t deserved by everyone, and I am very considerate of who I spend time with. The friends & family that I have are the same as me; loyal, honest, and growth oriented. I am still attracting my soul tribe. Quality over quantity. Period.

As to what was getting in the way? Me. Giving too much time and energy into romantic partners. There was a constant outpour from me, and there were times where that wasn’t reciprocated- and if it was, it wasn’t healthy for either party. It also took time away from myself. All of the time that I could have been spending working, imagining, praying, expressing, & creating was used on relationships. THAT was in the way. It was time to choose me. Choose my passions & desires.

My self worth & values come into play when it’s time to make a decision as to how I’m going to spend my precious time & energy. So boom, I’m fresh out of a kundalini rising. Do I want to use that energy for myself?; Creating, praying, expressing, communicating with higher realms, napping, OR do I want to spend that energy on (let’s be honest) a brick wall who won’t think twice about reciprocating that back to me? That’s due to my lack of self worth, but I’m not ready for that conversation.

The choice is as clear as day. It’s ok to be selfish. It’s ok to choose yourself. Find discipline in that.

Release the need to people please to please yourself.

Erase that part of the mind’s script that tells us that it’s “sElFiSh” to take time for yourself. Rewrite: “I am worthy of my own time & energy”. That’s a start to tapping into our personal power.

Another step? Intuition. Golden tiger eye has guided me through trusting intuition & gut responses. Before, I would second guess, and seek answers & confirmation outside of myself. Today? You won’t catch me asking for advice, or guidance from friends or family. There’s no need to dramatically draw out any life situation that’s being experienced because, it just is. The outside influence waters down intuition & gut feelings. I am confident in my intuition, gut decisions, spirit guides, & spirit callings. Through practicing this I’ve experienced spirit & the magic of life on a new & vibrant frequency. This death & rebirth feels orgasmic.

My orgasms hit differently today. My orgasms come from creating. Expressing. Being chose by mother herself. Embracing the father himself. Secretly being turned on by minor chaos, because I know, and can feel the transformation around it. My g spot is lit with intention. My intentions being to manifest more ideas into reality. Tapping into that divine feminine, and manipulating the reality that I have into the reality that i dream of. *Creams* Yesss! Yes. Right there, right there! Yes! *Exhales*

So here I am today, a writer, creator, curator, creative director, hair revolutionist, & mother all in one. My baby girl will be my greatest proof of what my love & energy looks like endlessly poured into. Her light seeps from her pores unapologetically. Her hips sway with freedom & respect. Her eyes see the unseen, and her ears hear the untold. Her heart beats to the rhythm of her soul & ancestors.

Golden Tiger’s Eye has lead me to me. My self: power, worth, values, discipline, love, honor, respect, cherishing, praise, and success. I thank you every time you catch my eye on the altar.

Thank you.

She might seem angry to someone who hasn’t dealt with their own demons. She’s overcome a lot, and still slays daily.

She might seem confrontational to someone who is threatening her peace and space. She will protect her space at all costs.

She might seem emotionally abusive to someone who doesn’t have a grip on their own emotions. While she knows emotions are temporary, she confronts all emotions that trigger her, and ultimately craves the same passion from loved ones.

She might seem overly sensitive to someone who’s disconnected with their emotional body. She’s highly intuitive, and doesn’t take well to malprogramming.

She might seem manipulative to someone who doesn’t know who they truly are. She tends to be very passionate about what she believes. While she’s open to new perspectives, you’d better come correct if you want to learn her anything.

She might seem loud to someone who’s not listening. Deep down, she just wants to be understood & FELT through.

She might seem distant to someone who doesn’t understand the importance of solitude. She thrives in solitude.

She might seem controlling to someone who doesn’t know how to seize opportunity. She knows what she wants & deserves.

She might seem intimidating to someone who’s not used to having a backbone, and speaking up for themselves. She’s rooted in her power.

She might seem shy to someone who wants to skip layers to know her. She’s very observant, and multidimensional.

She might seem emotionally unstable to someone who is scared to confront their emotions head on. She’s willing to move through ups & downs WHOLLY.

She might seem insane to someone who’s scared to take risks. She’s willing to walk into darkness, and play with creative energies.

She might seem like a hoe to someone who’s misidentified in their sexuality. She finds power in exploring the spectrum of her sexuality.

She might seem aggressive to someone who’s passive. She’s always stood up for herself, and she knows what she wants.

She might seem quick tempered to someone who enjoys ejaculating from other’s rage. She’s not afraid to let you know when you’ve got her fucked up; she’s also not afraid to walk away.

She might seem bougie to someone who’s been talked out of their self worth. She lives her self worth.

She might seem attention seeking to someone who wants to own all attention, but isn’t deserving. Deep down, she just wants to be FELT & appreciated.

She might seem quick to burn bridges to people that feel entitled to multiple chances. Deep down, she, herself also fears abandonment. So she deads things before they have a chance to prove her right again.

She might seem narcissistic to an empath. Deep down, we’re one of the same entities on the same spectrum. You choose to pour into others, while she chooses, and enjoys others pouring into her.

Can she be free to love herself mightily too?

Be careful who you have kids with.

Be careful who you have kids with for you’ll seek their validation for a lifetime. Be careful who you have kids with for they will leave you high & dry, and hate you when you pull yourself back together. For the trauma you’ve endured throughout the relationship, pregnancy, and postpartum shall be overlooked for the “wellbeing” of the child. You will be expected to ignore the trauma, trauma responses, and healing process. Be careful who you have kids with.

Be careful of belonging. For patriarchy will convince you that now, you & your child belong to that donor; be careful. For belonging means “putting up with” abuse & control; be careful. Be careful, for if you are being abused & controlled your child is next in line; be careful. For a last name & blood do not make you obligated to a lifetime of pain, if you don’t want it; be careful.

Be careful where you seek love & validation. Be careful. For you are seeking the instant gratification which will be provided at the expense of your life force. Be careful where you seek love. For the self love you are lacking will be replaced with empty I love you’s & lifeless sex. Be careful where you seek validation. Be careful. For the validation you seek is not within loving others, it’s within loving yourself. Be careful.

Be careful what you trust. For your healing journey & “wrong turns” will be used to tear your motherhood down. It will be used to oppress & downplay the womban you have worked so hard to come into. Be careful what you trust. For those wrong turns are what allowed you to come into the womban you are today. For those errors are the very things paving the way. Be careful what you trust.

Be careful of being positive. For once proven positive, you will forever HAVE to be, positive. Be careful of neglecting your “negative” for it then can be used against you in times of weakness. Be careful. Be careful of being loving & forgiving, for it will be expected of you when you have nothing left to offer. Be careful.

Be careful who you have kids with. For every time your egg looks at you, you’ll see his seed. Every time your egg cries, you’ll hear his cries of insecurities, homophobia, and scarcity. Be careful who you have kids with. For those generational curses that were left “undone”... those generational curses that linger will also linger in your child... be careful who you have kids with.

Be careful of duality. For everything that you have the courage to see within, good or “bad”, will be used to dismantle your very existence. Everything you’ve dove deep into the shadows about will be campaigned to uplift the weak, because they will not be as strong as you are- to dive deep into the darkness to make love, to play. Be careful of duality.

Be careful of seeking the validation of the subpar species. Careful of suppressing the chaos that comes with creation. Careful of allowing the trauma to continue. Careful of what you’re learning that child, be careful. For that child has a plate load by design. Be careful. You’re now working to uncover your darkness and another family’s darkness that they never had the strength to uncover or own. Be careful. For that child will not be abused, molested, oppressed, ignored, and left to fend for itself. Be careful.

Be careful answering rhetorical questions. For your answer was never sought to begin with. Be careful explaining why you’re protecting your peace & how it extends to your child, be careful. For once you explain the emotional turmoil, trauma, and healing requirements there will be an attempt to dismantle your motherhood. Be careful answering rhetorical questions. For once you explain what it takes to be active in your child’s life, your insecurities will be thrown at you in attempts to discourage you from wanting what’s best for you & your child, be careful. Be careful answering rhetorical questions, for your answer was never sought to begin with.

Be careful explaining. For the cooperation needed to coparent will not be provided. Be careful explaining what you need. Be careful. For your needs were never considered, be careful. Be careful explaining how your very well being, and the continuous psychological and verbal abuse directly impacts your ability to cooperate, heal, and be in the now with your child, be careful.

Be careful for leaving room. For the antagonist learns from your mistakes even when you don’t. Be careful. For the same entity can make a home out of you again, and you’ll reenact the very trauma you escaped from, be careful. Careful of allowing your child to know that past, be careful. For the past can take the form of another & still be the past. Be careful for leaving room. Be careful.

Be careful for leaving space. Leaving space for karma. Finish him now. Be careful of “just for the kids”. For the kids deserve a fair chance at a healthy aura, relationship with self, and THE mother, first. Be careful.

Not only have I never entered the wrong apartment, even if I did I would not assume a person eating ice cream was a threat and even if I did I wouldn’t be carrying a weapon to kill someone on me and even if I was I wouldn’t use it because I’d be busy running screaming into the night.

The amount of things that had to be in play for this to happen. To be one of those pumped up, high on paranoia police officers who shoot first and ask questions later.