Half Measures Availed Us Nothing

I got really emotional in my AA meeting the other day, because a reading in the Big Book made me think back to all my past "drunks" and blackouts and everything. I don't even think about that stuff anymore. I can't even begin to describe how free I feel now that I'm not trapped in that cycle, or how vastly different life is now. I remembered all the 5+ years I struggled with this addiction, and how I somehow magically managed to rack up Six. Fucking. Months.

The biggest thing I notice after 6 months sober is that I don't struggle with that obsession anymore. I don't constantly think about whether I'm gonna pick up or whether I can have "just one" or whether I'm actually an alcoholic or not. I don't struggle with cravings anymore. I can literally just go about my entire day and not think about alcohol once. 

The promises say, "We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness". This is so true for me. I know a peace now that I have rarely known in my life.

Is life perfect? Of course not. I still struggle to maintain "emotional sobriety" and to keep my flaws under control. I'm still learning how to take ownership of my words and actions and not get defensive about every damn thing. It's been hard work to work on these things. But you know what? I like myself a lot better now. I can look in the mirror and like who I am and I couldn't say that 6 months ago.

One year ago I was drinking a bottle of wine every weeknight, and day-drinking a fifth of whiskey every weekend. I was driving drunk to McDonald's to get "sober-up food" at midnight. 

You read that right. Sobriety comes first. It comes before your job, your friends, your family, your significant other. 

Because without sobriety, you can’t have those other things. Your drinking will eventually erode them away until it’s just you and the bottle.

What does putting sobriety first look like?

It means focusing on it and working on your sobriety and yourself consistently. 

If I let my job, or my relationship, or household chores, or anything else take my attention away from sobriety work for too long, I will drink again.

If I let myself get stressed out, skip meals, try to do too much, I will drink.

If I skip meetings because I think, “Eh, I don’t need a meeting, I’m ok” or “I have other stuff to do”, I will lead myself back to drinking. 

You’ve got to get sober before you can work on any other part of yourself. Often, when we’re thinking about quitting drinking, we’re also depressed, anxious, selfish, and probably feeling really broken. We’ve made mistakes. It’s tempting to feel hopeless because you think you have to fix all of yourself at once. That isn’t possible,

So fix your drinking first. Get sober. You’ll get to work on the rest later. But you can’t improve anything without sobriety.

I need this tool today. At almost 5 months sober, I’ve been slacking on my step work, making myself busy with other activities. I’ve become complacent in assuming that I’m not going to drink. All my friends at AA were surprised - and happy - to see me tonight. They shouldn’t have to worry about whether I’ve gone back out. They should see me enough times in the room to know I’m ok. Which means I need to keep going.

One of the very first tools I learned over at SD was “Take it one day at a time.”

Seems like obvious advice, right?

It’s repeated ad nauseum for a reason. It can be very hard to do.

When you first stop drinking, it can be overwhelming to think about the future. Does this mean I have to stop drinking forever? Will I ever return to drinking again? Can I perhaps “reset” my out-of-control drinking so that it becomes normal again after awhile? What about my best friend’s wedding coming up? And football season? And New Year’s Eve?